Helloooo...Smoother Ride....Where Are You?? - Pt.2

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, A few observations.

First, always, always, ALWAYS come here to vent when you need to. Get it out of your system - we're happy to lend you a sympathetic ear.

I took my ring off for the first time today. I'm still not sure if that's what I want, but I'm angry today. ... He obviously has no committment to me and I feel that my ring was a sign of that.

Instead of letting your wearing your ring be about him, please think of it as being about you. Let it represent your own commitment (or lack thereof) - not his. Control your own actions, and let go of his.

Angry that H has started to pull this crap again.

OK, this one threw me a little. It reads like you had convinced yourself he was actually through with this crap. I don't mean to be hurtful, but... please don't mistake a baby step on his part for something bigger. Baby steps are good, and to be appreciated - but that's all. I'm afraid your H has a long, loooong ways to go before he's through with this crap. I think you'll do better in your sitch to expect the worst, and be pleasantly surprised when things go better, than vice versa.

((((((Hugs))))))

[SueS]

Instead of letting your wearing your ring be about him, please think of it as being about you. Let it represent your own commitment (or lack thereof) - not his. Control your own actions, and let go of his..

Rob- You are right. I always told myself that I wouldn't take my ring off until I was no longer married. I was just very angry this morning. H will never know that I took it off. I put it in my jewelry box and he never looks in there. I can put it back on before he gets home.

OK, this one threw me a little. It reads like you had convinced yourself he was actually through with this crap. I don't mean to be hurtful, but... please don't mistake a baby step on his part for something bigger. Baby steps are good, and to be appreciated - but that's all. I'm afraid your H has a long, loooong ways to go before he's through with this crap. I think you'll do better in your sitch to expect the worst, and be pleasantly surprised when things go better, than vice versa.

Again, you are right. I wasn't surprised that he'd done it again or felt that he was finished doing things like this. I guess I worded it or put it incorrectly. I guess for some reason it was just the 3:30 am that stuck with me. Maybe because I think the bars here close at 2:00 am. You are right that I'm better to expect the worst and be happy when things go better. The late nights make me think of the time not spent with D3, not just during the night he was out, but the next morning when he's hung over and crawling out of bed just in time to get her to daycare & off to work. I'm thinking of changing some things if this happens again. I'll just let H sleep & take D3 to daycare myself. Not to give H less responsibility, but so D3 isn't in the car with a man who has been out late, could still have alcohol in his system & is driving tired!

I just need to cool myself off today. I didn't say anything to him this morning as I was too heated.

Rob, thanks for always settling me down and pointing me in the right direction. You were not hurtful, rather very helpful.

Thanks!

SueS

[Pamar]

SueS,

I'm no expert, but if H has been drinking till 3.30 and is up at 8.00 to drive your D, then he will be still way over the legal driving limit. I agree totally with you. I would even go as far as to say to him 'If you want to go out drinking all ours, that is fine, but I will take D to daycare, as I will not put her at risk'. I know he won't see it like that, but nothing should put children at risk.

It sounds like he is on implode at the moment and his job is suffering. I know this might also sound harsh, but start hiding some of your money away - it is not for drinking, it is to ensure that you and your D have a basic amount of care (food, clothing etc.).

Until he starts to respect you and your D, you have no obligation to respect him. Sorry to rant, but I think he is treating you in a disgusting manner.

[SweetRedd]

Hi Sue,

Ditto Rob and Pamar, and good for you on the detaching and not confronting your H when you were so angry. He's doing things that are impacting D3 and your future financial stability. What can you do to lesson the effects this has on ya'll? Is it time to look at your financial arrangement? Instead of relying on him to pay daycare, can you arrange for him to give you a certain amount out of each check up front so you can pay your bills? I so understand what you're going through with this. J and I had some problems with his crazy spending. The only way I could get him to contribute consistently was to have him transfer money to my account on payday. I calculated what he'd have to pay for child support and he gave me that amount plus a portion of the mortgage, utilities and food. Then I didn't have to worry (so much) about his spending and when he ran out, he had to stop until payday. It made things easier on me and the kids because he had to pay to support himself and his kids before he could play. He wasn't happy and griped about it, but I had to stand firm on this... he either contributed his share or was free to find a place to live and let a judge decide what was fair.

It's sad that your D3 had to go to your parents because of your H's probs. Again, you were the responsible one and he didn't have to face the consequences of his actions.

Huggggs.. hang in there.

Sheila

[SueS]

Hello everyone-

Just journaling today..........
After being out until 3:30 am on Thurs. night/Friday morning, my H decided he wanted to play family on Fri. night & Sat. He asked D3 and I out to dinner and then wanted us to go shopping with him on Sat. That didn't last long, as he went out with his 20-something friends on Sat. night (left at 10:30 pm & got home at 2:45 am). D3 and I had fallen asleep in the recliner. He woke me up & put D3 in her bed. H was quiet on Sunday until I noticed his typical sneak off between 2:30 & 3:00 pm to call OW. I made him aware I knew what was going on. After that he was nice, talking....etc.

Thank goodness work has been busy and D3 has kept me going. I try to keep my mind on work and other things that need to be done. I just hurt, but at the same time feel numb about this pain. I'd thought originally that H's A had started in June of '07. From emails I saw in Jan., I believe that it's now coming close to a year since it started.....at least the EA. It hurts to know that he's betrayed me for that long or longer. I almost told him last night that I'd had enough. That he was free to go.

My SIL & BIL are coming to visit in about 3 weeks. I look forward to seeing them.

Time to get D3 some dinner. Have a good night.

Paul & Sheila- Thanks! I hope you both know how much your words mean to me.

SueS

[JoieDeVivre]

Sue,
It seems like he's throwing just enough crumbs your way to keep you appeased ... the occasional family dinner or outings, etc. Yet he keeps living his own life. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

Good for you for letting him know you were aware of what he was doing. You said he was nice/talking after that. Guess he was trying to smooth things over. Were you nice/talking back?

What do you think he'll do when BIL and SIL come to visit? Will he stay home or go out and party with his friends?

(((HUGS)))

Joie

[Yoyowife]

(((((Sue))))))

[SueS]

Hi all-

Yoyo & Joie....thanks for the hugs. Feels good!!

Joie- To answer your questions... The family coming are H's, not mine, so he will be around. Yes, he does seem to try to throw crumbs my way to keep me happy. Thing is though, that I've been trying to distance myself a bit from the up/down emotions that his doing that would typically bring. When he does that, I picture in my mind some of the things he's done or said in the past. Maybe that's not right, but it's the only way right now that I can keep myself from being drawn in to just be hurt again. When I let him know that I knew what was going on with the email/phone calls, I was decent/nice after that.

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Journaling..........
Didn't realize that it had been 2 days since I'd been on. Actually, I've been on and reading, but not posting. I've been working on getting some things done around home. Nothing major, just things that need to be done. I need to tackle some financial things too so that can be put in order. It needs to be done and it will give me peace of mind also.

Have had some good one-on-one time with D3 lately due to H's lack of involvement. H has been good when with D3, but the quantity of time just isn't there.

Monday H went to work out very late and was on the pc all hours of the night. H told me yesterday that he'd be working an hour or so late (until 7:00 pm) so he could get off early on Friday. He's going to yet another concert. H got home at 10:00 pm. Claims he was at a local establishment down the road. Didn't ask why. Angers me mostly because he could have had time with D3 if he'd been home earlier. That's why he originally took earlier hours a few days a week. H seems to have be drifting further away again and I believe spending more time with OW. I'm not ready to exit my M yet, but am tired of the pain. I did get a good cry in last night. Felt good to release that.

D3 is just about a month away from being my D4. I'm getting excited for her! We'll have to start planning on what to do for her b-day.
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Thanks for listening everyone!!

SueS

[NoCodeBlues]

(((Sue))),

I just don't get these WAS and they're blindness to the injury they cause to the children and their relationship with them. It is just so unconscionable.

I feel so sorry for the kids. I also feel so sorry for these lost people, because one day they're going to wake up and realize they have lost something so very dear.

My W is not exactly rejecting or outright neglecting our two little boys, in fact she makes it a point to fight with me over them at times, but at the same time she is gradually withdrawing from them on a meaningful, quality time basis and as a "full-time" parent -- and is going to delegate more of her motherly duties/privileges (which she had taken so much joy in at one time) over to extended daycare, so she can continue to work more in her career. This is so very far from what either of us wanted for them when we planned and then started our family together, and it disappoints me even further, for the sake of my broken family and for each of my two small S's.

[SueS]

Hi NoCode-

You know, as with your wife, my H isn't outright rejecting or neglecting our D3 either. He's just pulled way back on the time spent with her. Makes me very sad. We waited a very long time to have kids. We planned on having this child. Now she's being cheated out of what should be hers, an intact family.

I had a long conversation with someone I work with today. Technically, I work for her, although I don't report to her. When I transferred into this office, she was known as a very cold, uncaring woman. I was quietly warned from the beginning that it was best that I cover my back when it came to her. Now she was always pretty good with me, but I did see that side with others. She got married about a year & 1/2 ago and just after that went through some serious medical issues. Since then she's almost a completely different person. We talked about how life changes and how people either adjust to those changes or they continue on the same path and don't grow. I told her that with me, I feel like I've changed since D3 was born, but that H has stayed on the same path. I told her that I like to go out and have fun, when time & money allow. However, I like being a mom, being at home, being with my child, liked being a wife....etc. H, on the other hand, never stopped the partying, concerts...etc. Not that all the fun has to stop, but it does have to slow and some of the types of fun has to change. I'm not a party pooper, but children do change your life, a lot. H, just doesn't seem to get this. He's waaaayyyy to far into his partying, single friends, OW....etc.

I truly hope that some day when we separate (as he wants), he is alone and sees what it's like. I'm sure at first it will be great and liberating but at some point being without your family has to be tough. I hope someday he sees that I'm not a boring person. That I just made changes to my life to fit the tough times we were going through and adjusting to having a child. That I'm not this axis of evil that is in his life just to make him miserable. I hope he sees that I tried to be a good wife, that I am a good mother and that he missed out on what could have been a good, stable, loving life. I know I say that as if my M is over, but H is moving in that direction. I've noticed some of the things he's done lately that seem as if he's preparing himself for leaving. Again, makes me very sad.

SueS