Thanks Lizzy. Glad to know you missed me! And I never did hit my H with my crutches. Probably wouldn't help him feel close to me! I agree with what you said, if H is here but not really TRYING with me, what is the point in having him here? At first I wanted it just b/c I was so needy for his basic presence. I was so afraid of the thought of him being GONE that even if things weren't moving forward, having him here meant they weren't moving backward, either (hope that makes sense). I kept telling myself, "H is still here, that is a good thing". Like his very presence in our house meant things would be fine. So I backed off and relaxed for a few weeks, and things seemed to be going well. But then I felt comfortable enough to dig deeper and share my discoveries with him. That is when I realized that he was not nearly ready to work on the things I wanted to work on. For him, it truly is an accomplishment just for us to be living together. That is pretty hurtful to me in all honesty b/c if he is proud of himself (my judgment, I know) for being "strong enough" to live with me, that implies that it is a sacrifice to do so. And maybe for him, it is. If so, I don't want to be something he has to "work" to be with. I understand fixing our marriage requires an enormous amount of effort, but I would hope just the idea of co-existing with me does not require so much effort. If so, what is the point?
I am kind of rambling I know. Maybe it is the pain pill I just took. Stupid foot/ankle! Anyway, the thing is, my H has told MIL that he doesn't want to "break up his family". Several times in counseling he has mentioned that if the kids and I don't move up to Iowa WITH him, "That would suck". And when he first said he was moving up to Iowa and I said I may be staying here if I get a job here in Missouri, he got mad. My individual C said that means that, even if he can't come out and say it in words, he obviously DOES want us to be together on some level, and will be unhappy if I choose NOT to be with him.
The individual C and MC have both made some references this week to seeing what happens once I decide to physically move to Iowa. It seems like they are saying to keep lines of communication open with H while we are together (next ten days), and also once he moves to Iowa (after ten days). I don't know my timeline since I haven't interviewed for the job yet. We may be apart for two weeks, we may be apart for 10. At this point, I think 10 would be better actually, but if I get a job offer I CANNOT turn down the opportunity even if it requires moving ASAP. Anyway the consensus of the counselors seems to be to act "as if" we are separating. Not in a bad way, just for me to stop talking about our R entirely. Just have normal, civil/friendly conversations with H about anything in the world other than our M. Then, once the time comes that I am going to be moving up with the kids, let him know that I am coming up and see what he thinks. The actual statement from MC was, "Hey, Dan, I am moving up in X days/weeks. Will we be living together or should I start looking for my own place?" Do you think this is a good approach? H actually said at the MC this week that HE thought things were going well. He said, "Well, yesterday (day before the MC appt.) Bobbi and I went out for lunch together. Then we spent the afternoon at home together while she rested her foot and I put up ceiling fans. We had a nice conversation. To me those things ARE progress." And then today when he left the house he came and kissed me on the mouth again for the first time in 2 weeks.
Part of me gets annoyed b/c I am thinking "Having a friendly convo. with me is PROGRESS, but you were able to send flirty/suggestive TMs to the OW, and able to make love to her, and hold her, but for me a nice convo. is enough?" I know these comparisons are a big part of my problem. That is part of my individual struggle right now, to stop comparing where we are physically to the fact that I know he could do those things with OW. It would be easier for me to be understanding if I thought he was just physically/affecion-wise challenged right now due to his emotional problems. But to know he could do those things w/HER and not me drives me crazy. Individual C said it is b/c he did not have history/baggage associated w/her like with me. That after H has individual C he will most likely be able to do those things w/me again no problem. It is just frustrating b/c if I weren't pushing, we wouldn't even be talking about separation. But at this point I just NEED to FEEL loved!?!
I digress. Wow percoset can make it hard to finish a logical thought! Anyway, the point of the above information was that my H seems to think we ARE making progress in our R. Slow and steady...If I wasn't pushing for more, the separation idea would never have come up. So I am thinking my plan for the time from now until I move up to Iowa should be: 1)Continue with being happy/upbeat. H is not stupid, he knows that to me separation is devastating. So I don't have to worry he will think I am happy that we will be separating. It just makes things easier if I am happy around him so he can be relaxed around me.
2)Don't push for any progress. If H can't progress without a lot of individual C, then pushing won't change things anyway, just cause a lot of friction. Just take things as they come, one lunch together/nice conversation at a time.
3)Make sure to engage in conversation when he initiates it. This next week with him off work and around the house, it is a good opportunity for us to be together more. Even if just co-existing, him working on home repairs while I catch up on housework, etc. Not pushing for deep conversations, but happily talking with him about every day stuff when the opportunity presents itself. That way, when he leaves for Iowa his short-term memory bank can be filled with positive interactions with me, instead of confrontations/demands from me.
4)Say NOTHING about separation. We are not separated now, and when he moves to Iowa, we will be separated geographically, but not legally or anything. In fact, last night after MC I asked H if he thought of this as a legal, official S or just a theoretical, informal S. He said informal S. So the less I say about it, the less it has to happen, if you get the idea. If I mention it, he may feel the pressure to respond to the "challenge" and agree on a separation. If I don't mention it at all, and show him the good times we can have together, maybe by the time I move to Iowa he won't want to be separated either. Actually we both told MC this week we don't want to be separated, we just don't know what other options we have if we have such different views of what comes next in our M.
Okay, need to see what other replies I have now. Hope your sitch is going well Lizzy. I need to check up on you guys as I have been off the boards for a week! Stupid computer is in the basement and it is hard getting up/down the stairs.
And I never did hit my H with my crutches. Probably wouldn't help him feel close to me! 
Anyway, the thing is, my H has told MIL that he doesn't want to "break up his family". Several times in counseling he has mentioned that if the kids and I don't move up to Iowa WITH him, "That would suck". And when he first said he was moving up to Iowa and I said I may be staying here if I get a job here in Missouri, he got mad. My individual C said that means that, even if he can't come out and say it in words, he obviously DOES want us to be together on some level, and will be unhappy if I choose NOT to be with him. 
