Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Ah Mike, you're cracking me up. What we really need are those video phones. Then we could really go out to dinner separately together - just put our phones on the table across from us! As you know, I love Italian, but I know a great Indian place I could go to. Or sushi. But then a great burger is always a hit w/ me, but it has to be a REAL burger. With an ice cold CANADIAN beer (sorry, your beer isn't great - except for this one beer I had when I was in Boston, can't remember the name of it). Basically, I eat everything, so you would have to choose. What am I talking about, we could each choose whatever we want. And no one will suspect a thing! We should probably go Dutch, though, less paperwork!

I did end up going out tonight for a couple of drinks w/ some people I used to work with. It was okay, but I did get asked to come to a couple of other nights out in the next week or two. Trouble tonight was they are smokers and my pretty pink lungs were dying for oxygen. I had to keep stepping out for some air. When I did I noticed a few guys noticing me, so that was kindof nice for my ego.

But earlier, when my H came to pick up D tonight, he was pretty quiet to me and seemed put out - I was rushing around getting ready to go our and didn't rush up to him to say hello and kiss him like I usually do. I asked what was the matter and he said nothing, so I left it at that. (Another 180 - when we were together I would have continued to push him for an answer, saying that I know something's bugging him, what is it, why won't he tell me, and it would deteriorate into a whole lot of bad feelings. Then I asked him to drop me off at the train station and he gave me a really tender kiss and told me to be careful and have fun and to call him later if I want. I did and we talked for a little while about what he has been doing with the ski races. I was the one to end the call and say goodnight. He said ILY first, so I said it back. But I NEVER say it first, only when he says it.

I have been trying to basically give my H all the space he needs and more - I said to my friend, I'm giving him enough rope to either hang himself or pull himself out. What's been happening is that HE calls me, HE asks me to do things w/ him. It's pretty rare that I initiate a call to him or a text to him, but I do it every so often so that he doesn't think I've actually fully moved on. I suppose you could say I'm giving him only a taste of me, enough to make him want more. I think if I made him believe I was dating someone, he would backslide in a major way, since this is not just making him realize what he's losing. MLC is far more complicated than that and the depression has to be taken into consideration. I just want him to know that the possibility is there that I could date someone if I really wanted to. I think that is enough for now.

And that's probably what you're talking about when you say detaching less. I say that I'm detaching, but that doesn't mean I'm going dark - far from it. What I'm doing is I'm giving up the feeling that I am responsible for this situation. And it is surprising what a difference that change has made for me.

It sounds like you are weaving a pretty complicated little web of deception, which is good in a sense because it is making your W curious, but I hope you are being careful too. I suspect that if she really believed that you have found someone else it might push her back into her depression, into feeling sorry for herself and all that negative stuff that keeps the MLCer in the tunnel. I think your W cares very much, more than she wants to admit to even herself.

So tonight I'm going to be early and getting some sleep - I'm chronically sleep deprived. Mike, if you do decide to run a 5k, I'd be cheering for you. I guess it's still pretty snowy where you are, but my outdoor running season is about to start (it was 15 degrees here today!). It's just this damn leg of mine. Oh well, long walks with my dog can only help.

Take care.
FA