Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

My H is so much more messed up than I even knew! Met for dinner and he saw a side of me he hasn't seen in a lot of years. First, I've lost 65 pounds in the last 9 months and am back down to the size I was when we got married 14 years ago. I dressed the part tonight too. It really got my confidence going - Low cut blouse with the the push up bra, hair done, makeup on, favorite perfume....the works! It sure made me feel good and H nearly lost his teeth so that was another boost!

We had dinner and just chit chatted about insignificant stuff. I let him lead the conversation wherever he wanted and didn't bring up any of the D settlement issues or anything. We had just finished eating and the band had started to play and I looked down at my H's hands and he was gripping either side of the table like it was going to jump up and run away. I asked him if the death grip was keeping it in place and he said, "I don't like crowds anymore, you know that." Yeah, I know he doesn't like big crowds like bodies standing close together in a confined area crowds. This was a crowded restaurant with a live band playing, all patrons were probably 35 and up in age, no rowdiness, just people having fun. He couldn't stop scanning the room and was getting antsy. It was right then my inner light bulb went on and I realized the biggest root of the problem with our R. My H can no longer separate the need to be emotionally closed off at work (he's a police officer) and the need to have emotions in his personal life. I told him I was concerned for him because he didn't seem to be able to separate these things and he said he just doesn't feel anything anymore about anything or anyone. WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I told him that is not living, that is existing. He had no comment about that other than "that's the way it is."

After he finally let go of the table and the ants had apparently firmly crawled up his butt and he couldn't sit there another minute he jumped up and announced that he had to get out of there. I went out with him and he said he needed to get to bed since he had to be up early and asked me where I parked. I pointed toward the car and started that direction. All heck broke out at the car. He asked me why I had invited him to dinner. I told him I just wanted to see him and talk to him like friends do. He then told me that all he thinks about all day and night is how badly he wants to come home and be with me and our son. WHOA!!!!!!! Where in the heck did that come from? He "knows" I can never forgive him though and he is afraid if he were to come home and we worked on it for a while and he screwed up again that he would have no where to go and no one in his life anymore. He "knows" everyone in my family hates him. He "knows" that every time we had a fight (which we hardly ever have in all the years we've been together) I would bring up his betrayal, etc. etc.. To prove the point that I wouldn't bring that up ever again I asked him if he was aware of all the times over the years that I have caught him in a lie. He said yes. I asked him if he REALLY knew how many. He paused.....I proceeded to tell him of a few things from very early in our marriage that I knew about. Imagine his surprise. I asked him if I have ever mentioned that before. He admitted I haven't. Hmmmmm.....so why would I throw this mistake in your face if I've never thrown any of the others at you?

He kept going back to how afraid he is that he will end up with nothing and no one if he comes home and screws up and how I can never forgive him. He is stuck on all that. Nothing I say could change his mind. He really didn't like it when he said, "Let's say I came home tomorrow and things didn't work out where would I go when you kick me out. I couldn't go back to her and I couldn't afford a place on my own." I told him that he couldn't just move home like that. He would have to earn some trust back with me before I could have him under the same roof. Oh boy....he decided it was pointless then to even try. He doesn't want to work for anything if it's going to inconvenience him......gees!

I finally broke out the big guns. I told him that he had to find happiness within himself, no one can make him happy and the only true road to peace and happiness is through God. My husband is not a religious man and only attends church on Christmas and Easter so I know this concept is totally foreign to him. I was not strong enough in my faith when we married to bring him to it so I let mine slip. No more. I'm firmly back in the fold and I would love for my husband to be there with me so all I can do is pray for him and offer my support for him.

He is in serious crisis. I wish he would seek counseling but he is so stubborn and thinks all counselors are quacks. He needs help with his emotional issues before there could ever be any hope for our marriage.