About snooping...I started that not long after I discovered the EA between my H and the OW - totally by accident. And then there was another. Again, by accident. He hasn't reacted in a way that indicates it, but it's almost like he wanted to be discovered (although not signing out of his facebook page was likely to try to avoid me seeing it when I walked in the room). I, unfortunately know more than I ever wanted to know. After confronting H with our C, and him denying it and eventually calling me crazy for saying things I knew were happening, I installed spyware to get to the bottom of it and to reassure myself that I wasn't going crazy, like he was trying to make me believe. The R H and OW have is almost entirely based on the internet. I do have some saved and printed evidence of where things were headed before he moved out. She is M with 3 kids and lives a couple of hours away on the other side of our international border. His story to me is that she is happily married and wants us to work things out. With the things I have read them say to each other, I highly doubt there's even a sliver of truth to the latter and likely little to the former. Part of what I hate about this situation, is what it's made me do. I have always been the most honest person you could meet. I learned through C this fall, that some of the M issues were based on my honesty to my H and the fact that I didn't have a good enough filter on my emotions. Even when I installed the spyware, I dropped hints all over the place (quoting things they had said, etc) so that he would call me on it and I could tell him that I knew everything. I am not good at lying and it didn't take long before I forced him to understand what I had done. It was after the evidence was confirmed in my mind that I asked him to move out, because I refused to live in the house as him while he was doing what he was doing. Am I proud, happy, content... about what I did? Absolutely not. I hate that I have gone to this place - his place - where people are not just open and honest and up front. Where there is no game-playing and snooping and deciept. I'm glad that I could verify what I suspected. It would have taken a lot longer to get to this place with him getting much more involved with OW, thinking that I knew nothing, and continuing to treat me like I didn't matter while living in the same house. I'd rather he leave for good than think he can treat me like that and get away with it scot free. I'm not sure if it's pride or just expecting to be treated decently by another person - which is what everyone deserves.
As far as knowing if what he says is true, I won't know all of it, but I will know if he chooses to admit what I already know about. It's hard to give any of what H says any creedence. A cheater is a liar. A liar is a cheater. I don't know that the trust I always had in my H will ever recover from this.
I have read your old threads and I think that I have to keep in mind how far you have come and that it is possible for things to get headed on the right track without doing anything too drastic. I'll continue to go back and read things that will keep me in a better, more positive state of mind.
As you can tell, I am all over the map and VERY nervous about the scheduled meeting tomorrow. I am flip flopping like a pancake. The good news is that my soccer team won tonight and I didn't even hurt myself!
I think that I will be in my better form tomorrow if I get some rest, so off to bed with me.
Thank you so much for your input and for getting me focused on better goals. I will work hard at figuring out what will bring me closer to my goals. Right now, I think that it has to be about being in the same room and not totally losing it. I will do as much reading as work allows me tomorrow.
K
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
