My last thread hasn't locked yet.. but I fear it's going to and I don't want to write what I've got on my mind at the moment on that one.. in case it does lock... so here I've started my new one.
I'm feeling pretty lost with regards to this DBing business. I understand the getting a life... I understand I'm supposed to come up with some 180's and make them stick.. I'm just not sure about how I'm supposed to be interacting with my H.
For example: I know I'm not supposed to have R talks with him.. and last night we had another one and he asked that we not do that anymore. He said all it does is upset me and make him feel guilty. So in doing this I am not being a safe haven for my H. My problem is that during the R discussion he said that he still doesn't know what he wants to do.. whether work on our marriage or walk away.. but that if he walks away he knows that we'll still continue being really good friends and he'll still take care of D2 and I financially.. and that because we'll be such good friends we'll co-parent our little girl so that she'll come out just fine. So during this R talk I told him that I do not feel if he reaches the decision to completely turn his back permanently on our marriage that I will be the good friend that he is looking for.. at least not for a very long time. I said to him that I can see his perspective that it should happen because he's getting what he needs out of that result.. he gets his freedom and he gets to have me still be a huge part of his life. I said from my point of view if he were to walk away permanently I am losing something very important.. So the thought of being able to just continue on as if everything is honky dory if that should occur does not seem likely.
For the time being while he and I are in limbo land he wants me to be with D2 and him whenever he visits on Mondays and Wednesdays. He also takes D2 every other Saturday and he wants us 3 to spend a few hours together (including a lunch) before I leave her with him and they continue doing their thing and I go off on my own. Should I be agreeing to this family time? I really don't know what right anymore. Part of me thinks that if he's wanting some family time it's the right choice to be giving it to him.. but the other part of me thinks that he hasn't even begun to realize what life without me is going to be like. And that's important, isn't it?
I'm not too good with a 2x4 but have some thoughts about family time.
When this happened to me, I found my passion.. and that is my family. I would get riled when H (who is so determined to end this) would suggest a homemade dinner when he was leaving on a trip. Puhleeze, why should I a)listen to you and b) have you tell me what to do?
A very good friend hit me with a 2x4 and reminded me that every opportunity to be involved as a family was precious and necessary for the long haul, regardless of where our marriage went. The first dinner after telling the kids was difficult, the second dinner was much easier with laughter and joking. If H and I are serious about being a team for our kids then we have to be willing to live it rather than talk it.
I'm discovering the DB technique and find it to be somewhat like "My Fair Lady". The professor keeps working on Eliza Doolittle's enuciation with the sentence: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains. She repeats and repeats with her broad accent. Slowly an awares kicks in how to speak clearly with a cultured voice. Her transformation is almost complete.
I keep working on Dbing and LRT thinking I'm understanding it. As my H continues detaching from me, the more I understand the basic principles. For me, it's about unconditional love. What didn't make sense before does. Where I thought I was being a bastion of truth, I was pushing him away by my self righteousness.
In the end I can't teach him anything nor is it my place. I can minimize being a negative influence so that he has time to look in the mirror and feel what is going on.. not just his justification for leaving but the lasting ramifications. Time to be alone and unencumbered with what his reality is.
Right now he's called the kids and is talking to them. It breaks my heart that I'm separate from their involvement. However, it is what it is at this moment in time.
Thank you so much for visiting!! I am so glad you found those suggestions helpful. I am so happy you love yoga! It has really been a rock for me during this crazy time. Do you go to classes ever? The website is great but there is something so powerful to me about practicing with others in a positive community. Some studios even have classes where you can bring your kids and the kids and grownups do yoga side by side!
I have no idea what to say about spending time together with your daughter... but it sounds like other people are already giving you really good advice already!!
Thank you Gypsy and T for stopping by my new thread.
Gypsy, I think you're likely right and that I should continue allowing him this family time...
And T, my books are on the way. I received a confirmation email last night. I would be very happy if they were waiting for me on my doorstep when I get home tonight.. otherwise I guess I'll have to wait til next week.
I'm sorry you feeling down. I know it well right now. I'm not a big fan of Oprah (she scares me ), but she is a very smart woman and that is an excellent perspective.
Thanks Woog. Some days are just easier than others I guess.
Today isn't that bad of a day for me really. Feeling kind of indifferent.
Well I forgot to let you all know that my H has agreed to pick D2 up tonight and have her for the weekend. Although I will really miss her I am glad that he's making time for her.. Maybe his fog is really lifting. At least with regards to everyone but me. As far as his feelings for me... no idea and I'm not going to ask anymore.
I held up my end and had no R talk with him while he was here. I guess he was here for just over 2 hours. We had dinner together as a family and then I made us coffee..
He said I could come and spend some time with them tomorrow if I wanted to. I suggested he call me in the morning and we'll decide then.
He loaded up the car, I handed him our daughter and kissed her goodbye and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek good-bye and they walked out. He put her in her car seat and came back into the house gave me a quick peck and a hug and said he'd call tomorrow.
No tears from me. I was the perfect "as if" person tonight.. but I have to tell you.. the fact that he has my little girl hurts. He's her father and he is entitled to have time with her but they are going to daddy's house instead of staying in our home.
I'm feeling pretty empty. This is the 2nd weekend with D2 staying overnight but this will be the first weekend where he has her Friday and Saturday night.
), but she is a very smart woman and that is an excellent perspective.