Beginning again like a newbie

[ACJ]

I've just been clearing unwanted documents off my memory stick. I came across the journals that I wrote in the first 5 weeks after H left. I didn't read all of them b/c it was too upsetting but the ones I did read evoked all of that emotion all over again. However, the one thing that I did get out of reading them was the anger and pure venom in them. I wrote them as if I were talking to my H. The first couple of weeks I sent copies to my H foolishly believing they would bring him home (as a similar tatic had worked when he left before). I know he read at least the first one and having read some of it back I can see why it would've had the opposite effect.

I stopped writing these journals after 5 weeks b/c that's when I discovered this site and I have journalled here instead. I've written H a fair few letters but never sent any of them (except one where I asked for his forgiveness for my part in the destruction of our M). I write them less prolifically now but always at times when all I want to do is talk to him and hold him.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would still be here over two years later, still w/o H in my life and still with so very little hope of ever reversing that trend.

I don't know how I would've coped w/o all your love and support during this time so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.