If he chooses not to be honest and continues with OW in his fantasy world and I am tempted to shake up his reality a bit by contacting OW's H, will it bring me closer to my goal, which is to get some M repairing happening?
So, you're back to the original topic of this thread. I just re-read the thread, and I see a very different woman talking now than the one who started.
First of all, I have to ask how you will know if he is being honest? You cannot prove he is not lying, you cannot prove a negative. You cannot prove that he IS lying unless you snoop, and I believe that's a bad idea... It's so much easier and less stressful to give him the benefit of the doubt and take what he says at face value. Only if you snoop will you be able to catch him in a lie, and for your best peace of mind, I recommend you do not snoop (that's a different topic...)
I know how you feel. My first thread on this board was about outing my W and her PA to her family. OM was already divorced, so there was no one there to tell. How I wished he had a W so I could make someone feel as violated as I did. But that was my first post, like you, my first thread. You might like to take a look at it, especially the advice I got from gbon. I believe it's referenced a few posts back in this thread... Eventually, W told her brother, and he was very judgemental with her. To this day, their relationship is somewhat strained by his reaction. So, in that regard, the affair will always color their relationship and ours.
Over time, I learned the concept of doing what works, and doing things that bring me closer to my goals. I realize now that even if OM had a W, outing the A to her would not have brought me closer to my goals of having the PA end and saving my marriage, at least not in the near term. Knowing what I do now, I don't think it's a good idea. Consider this... OW's H may already know. He may not care. He may be somewhere on this board! Or, he may react by throwing her out. If that happens, where do you think she will go? You will then have 2 scared and angry people who think the world is against them with no friends who understand but each other. You may in fact drive her closer to your H, into a situation that is the last thing you want. Consider your goals, and consider whether your actions will bring you closer to them or drive you away...
From what you've written, is sounds like he still considers himself married, and it doesn't seem like he is eager to divorce. I think I said before, he is very confused, probably in a lot of confused pain. This will all take time, and as long as you don't drive him away, you have a good chance of success. Be strong, avoid any temptation to control, and keep sight of your goals. Maybe you should write you goals and post them on your 'fridge to remind you and help keep you on track.
Good luck with your decision. I don't know what I would do in you circumstances. But in the long run, knowing what I do know, I'm glad I didn't out my W and instead let things take their course, while I did all I could to be a friend and take care of myself.
