Up and down we go, where it stops, nobody knows

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks for your support Tree and RTL.
I spent the day Thursday at my attorney's office. It was weird, sort of like an out-of-body experience for me. I really never ever intended to be in this position - working through a divorce. I hate divorce. I resolved to never entertain the thought, no matter what. A weakness, I know, but that was my philosophy going into this marriage. Marriage is forever. better or worse, sickness and health, all that jazz.

Anyway so there I was, discussing all the ins and outs of filing a motion in a divorce proceeding. and yet it was almost like it was not me in there, sitting at that table, signing those papers.

But the reality is in black-and-white - my wife is trying to prevent me from having any custody of my children at all. This is the part that gives me the most anxiety. I accept that she is leaving me. I regret it, but I accept it. Now she is also trying to take the kids, and that I won't stand for. I will not accept it.

Her harsh position on this sort of makes sense, in the crazy world that is her mind, I guess. As time went on she did not honor our relationship - which of course is the foundation of any family. you know the old saw, The best thing for kids is a mother and father who love each other. And for me, love was a decision, not a feeling. For her, it was a feeling that did not flourish.

We had a child-centric marriage, to say the least. She doted on the kids, focused all her energy on them, so that at the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of anything, she didn't have any energy or passion or interest for me. I saved some for her, some of myself. But she never seemed to have any left for me.

So now, dissolving the marriage, she wants to retain the relationship she has with the kids, undisturbed. She doesn't want them living with me, 50/50, even though I was (honestly) the most involved father I know of. She doesn't want me having any say in their upbringing. She wants me to disappear, I guess.

This really feels wrong to me. Really wrong. a grave injusice. Everyone I talk to sees it this way. There is widespread disbelief among family friends that this is the stance she is taking. So based on all of that I have some hope that the judge will see it that way too. But it makes me anxious to be in this position - going in front of the judge in a few short days, to decide this issue - whether or not I will remain the father of my children. My biggest crime? - I was present during my wife's meltdown.