Getting stronger everyday!

[kaydeekay]

Kissak,

I've been keeping up with your sitch but haven't posted to you in awhile.

Your H sounds exactly like mine when he was with OW1. I see myself 3 years ago in you. I did some of the same things you are doing hoping it would bring him back. Nothing you can say or do will bring him back to you.

I know you've been told this a hundred times but you need to go dark, drop the rope, and not allow him to pull you into his drama. That's his drama...not yours.

Once you stop thinking about what H and OW are doing you will feel awhole lot better. I know you don't want to hear this but based on your H's pattern with OW they will get back together. As my H did with his OW1. After a year of going back and forth between me and OW1, my H eventually got tired of all the BS and ended things with her. My H is now on OW4 (at least that's the nubmer I know, could have been others).

I am no longer standing for my marriage. Even though I have fallen out of love with my H I do love him as a person. He was a major part of my life. I have moved on and am dating a wonderful man. H will be filing D papers in the next few weeks. He has mentioned that he is going to marry OW4. I congratulated him and told him I was happy for him. Our relationship now is good, like friends. He will call me and tell me jokes to make me laugh like he used to. I rather be his friend than his bitter ex-wife.

In your sitch I hope your H works on his issues...my never did and probably never will. I just hope that your H will not do what mine has done and go from one woman to another. Your H needs to see that you can't always be waiting in the background for him. Let him go. I know it's hard.

Take care,
kdk

[Tia]

Kissak,

People pleasers can get the short end of the stick. I do not want the same to happen to you. Please use this time to prioritize: (1) Kissak, (2) Children, (3) Go Dark. Your H needs time for a turn-a-round. Of course you want him back - but this time, for eternity.

If Kissak is #1, do the GAL, and incorporate your children with it. As for contact with H, keep it minimal. Do not talk about any issues except the kids. If you speak with him, remain upbeat. If he wants to mention other topics, cut the conversation short. Let him miss you. He's been treating you like a door mat. How dare he ask you for advice regarding OW Also, you do not want him to move onto another R yet. So, get moving and prioritize!


The Best,
/Tia

[kissak]

Thanks guys...yes I have a good feeling that he will go back to her again. I really just think he will wait until he talks to the therapist though. That will just be someone else that will give him an excuse.

Really after this year I dont think I am in love with my H anymore. I do love him very much however. Sometimes I just wish I had the courage to end things with him myself. But Im afraid to do that. I dont want to be responsible for ending my marriage.

He is getting help. Starting Monday though. I hope it helps. Then again I dont think he will ever be truly happy. I think he feels like a failure.

I dont know what to do. I want to go dark again, but he wanted to work on things "if" he was able to get over OW. So, do I tell him that I would prefer no contact until he does...or what?

[Grace_O]

You realize I was being sarcastic right?

Do you think he would appreciate your texting him just so say "Hey"? I heard that YOU feel like you're being pushy. Why? Has he said or done something that makes you feel this way? What does he say or do if you call/text first?

You're doing ok. Hang in there.

HUGS

[inmyplace]

kissak,

Actually, The best thing to do is just go about your business.

So, do I tell him that I would prefer no contact until he does...or what?

Sometimes, it is best to say nothing. Actions speak louder than words. Just do the things necessary to carry on a healthy coparenting relationship. It is way too early for him or you to be thinking about where things might go. He has more to get past than OW. He is the one who has to prove to you that he has grown up.

Backtracking, here is the key passage:

Then again I dont think he will ever be truly happy.

You see if he is not happy with himself, how is he ever going to be happy with you.

Remember my word. Come on, you remember...patience.

IMP

[kissak]

Yes Grace....I knew you were being sarcastic!
Actually I feel like i am being pushy...he doesnt see it that way with the texting. He was saying I was being pushy by inviting him over for dinner one night, but it was something he said I could do if I wanted to. So I did. He said no thank you and I was ok with it. I dont know why he thinks I was pushing.

Thank you IMP. You know I mentioned to him about finding happiness once. I told him he would never be happy with anyone until he was happy with himself. He said, "but another person is what makes me happy" He said he didnt understand what I meant.

I beleive you are right. He has more to get past than just the OW.

I remember, patience.

Thanks for the reminder.

[Grace_O]

There's a quirky book I read recently titled "Stumbling on Happiness", it talks about how our current selves aren't very good at predicting what will make our future selves happy (among other things). Just thought I'd throw that out there.

[kissak]

good thought....thanks grace

[imLIN]

Kissak...

I agree...say nothing...just start going about your business and for goodness sakes don't talk to H about OW or R's...he is a mess and when you two talk it just messes you up too...drama...

You have told him your boundries but then you don't stand up for yourself...you really need to show him that you respect yourself...you tell him he won't be happy until he is happy with himself well...you won't get respect until you respect yourself...see how all this stuff works???

You H might do well with counseling...if it is truly the right time and he is ready to accept it...if he is still fighting change then he might reject it...in which case it might be harder to get him to revisit when he is ready...

All I know is you have gotten stronger but you seem to be slipping back to the same place with H...he wants you to text or call first because then he doesn't have to be responsible...and he will feel like you want him...he goes to OW if she leaves him alone because he wants to feel wanted...he has a real immature way of dealing with things...but he can grow up...it takes time and you leaving him be...he will flounder...he may even fall flat like my H did...sometimes that is the best thing for them and it is best if you aren't watching because the first thing you want to do is catch him...and you can't...he needs this...let him go!

Lin

[kissak]

Thank you Lin....That made alot of sense to me. That is exactly the way it is....I want to catch him when he falls....

I am working on this. I do truly believe he wants to talk to the therapist. I dont know what he is expecting from it, but it seems a long time coming.