Cake-eating has nothing to do with "time." If her wayward husband is allowed to both enjoy the needs-meeting of the OW, and also the care and flirtations (and more) of his wife, then he is "cake-eating," pure and simple.
Neecy asked if we thought she was allowing him to "cake-eat." In my opinion, it's cut and dry that she is. Now, as to what to DO about it, there are wildly differing views and approaches, for sure.
J Now, as to what to DO about it, there are wildly differing views and approaches, for sure.
Would you like to elaborate on the choices? I am serious not sarcastic.
To my knowledge my husband had one "just happened" phsysical encounter with this person in the beginning of december. He has said he wants this marriage and has been going to counselling, he just seems to have difficulty with the zero contact with the OW (it all happened as she was a needy friend), up until a week ago they worked together everyday, they are now at separate locations.
I want to make our marriage work, he is claiming to try should I really be closing up on intimacy?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Unfortunately, talking about different approaches around here isn't good for one's posting privelege health. But you can view the posts of some of the longtime posters to read up on the various approaches.
ok, you were right. Cake-eating. I came home yesterday and a pop-up message came up on my computer from OW - saying sure tea please - I don't have that phone at work today. This is the woman who supposedly wouldn't talk to him since I texted her on Tuesday. Of course again arguments ensued and the excuses came out - only trying to be nice - doing a delivery at her store wanted to know if "anyone" wanted anything. This was a new method of contact, to her cell from the computer with her response to Yahoo Messenger. Really I just give up. This is so hard. Not that I want him to be nasty or tell me he doesn't love me but it is near impossible to walk away when he stands here saying he loves me and wants this but then all this crap keeps coming back up. We just got in a huge fight over the phone because he says he hates going to work because everyday I look for stuff to grill him about and that he is trying and being honest and it doesn't matter because I accuse him of doing things anyways.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, I would stop snooping. I know you want to know. But it seems like going down cheeseless tunnels. Grilling him is not going to get you closer to R. Then again, him staying in contact with OW is not either. Contacting her from the computer is pretty sneaky.
He says he loves you and wants the M. Doing counseling. They no longer work together. Those are good signs.
You want to be the person he wants to be with. If you continue to snoop, and confront him, you're driving him away. You can't control what he does. I know you don't want to live like this so what do you do?
You could reaffirm your boundaries. Tell him if he really wants the M, the only way to begin R is to cut off all contact with OW. Until he does that, you're not R. And anytime you find out that he has broken your trust again, the R timeline is set back to zero.
Get back to DB 101. Think of some goals. Work on yourself and GAL. I bet if you would stop confronting your H, you'll see a difference in him.
you are right, when I leave it alone we get along wonderful, better than ever, but as soon as I snoop, I find that although I thought things were great they are still contacting one another. If I didn't snoop I would think things were good and I guess maybe they would actually get that way eventually but then how do I know whether or not we are in an R if I cannot confirm her presence? I can actually say that although I find out things a few days in advance for the most part anything that i see I would see anyways, the phone bills come to me, the credit card bills come to me, I just see them a few days earlier when I look online.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Why is snooping bad, if it helps her get to the truth? Shouldn't she be making decisions from a position of truth, and strength?
Now, once the snooping ceases to reveal any new information, and if it's deflating you, then I would agree -- stop. But I think gathering intel is a GOOD thing . . . IF you can handle it.
