It's been a while since I've posted, but last summer these boards really helped me get a sense, I believe, of what is going on with my wife, and I will always be grateful for the insight and support gained here.

Overall, I have done pretty well at PMA and GAL. For several months now I have moved from "how do I get my marriage back" to "what is best for me?" and "how can I grow as a person?" I have done pretty well, despite the pain, and I can honestly say this separation has been one of the best things that has ever happned to me. I've learned so much about myself, love, and life in general.

Still, this week has been tough emotionally. It's an unexpected drop on the rollercoaster we're all on, so my sitch isn't any different. I'm feeling rather down at the moment. Perhaps it was having to move yet again to a new apartment (this time in the same complex) due to my dogs disturbing my old neighbors. Something about the instability of home right now really got to me. Where is home? I know where I live, but where is home?

Also, today I went to the house to check on our dogs, and I picked up a few more personal items. It hurt to see so much of my life thrown into boxes. I'm letting her have the big furniture, etc. and taking out a few mementos and personal things. Even unpacking a few neckties she bought me over the years made me unexpectedly cry.

I know I can't control her, etc and I feel immense empathy for what seems like a lot of pain she's going through. I feel regret for my own failures in the marriage, but I'm not beating myself up for a past I cannot change. I really do know that we can only live in the moment.

Here's what I've suddenly found myself asking this week. Does she really want the divorce? Do I? In December she asked for the divorce (via email! How's that!!!) I agreed, and for several weeks I really was at peace with that idea. Been married 11 years, together 18. No kids. We split finances in October when I decided I had had enough of her spending like crazy. So, all that's left is to decide on the house and the value of joint furniture.

Here's my issue. She's asked me a couple of times via email to give her a figure, and I've asked her a couple of times to do the same. Neither one of us is willing to go first, yet. What could this mean? Does it mean that I am not at peace with the divorce? Have I really put behind all desire for reconciliation? Or is this just a temporary mood swing that we all have at various points? I realize through therapy and my own reading how abandonment issues have shaped my life, so perhaps it's that old demon flaring up after I had kept it under control pretty well since the June separation.

What about her? I know the futility of asking that question without getting an answer straight from her, but this week I can't resist the temptation to wonder a bit. I had gotten very good at giving up trying to figure her out once I learned a great deal about MLC, but this week that temptation to wonder came back. She's not filed papers yet, and doesn't stay after me for a figure. She'll raise the issue, but then let it be for quite a while. Since December she's only asked a few times for a figure (I don't recall the exact total, but less than five times). She said in one brief phone conversation in late January that she was hoping we could get this done quickly, but her actions seem to suggest otherwise. Could she still be uncertain about the D?

Throughout the separation we've had minimal contact, and no relationship talks. She is simply running. After 18 years together, all I get is an email saying she wants a D and can't forget the past. Oh well. Can't control her, as we always say.

Thanks to anyone reading--it helps just typing this out--and to anyone able to offer support and/or insight. I hope you are able to find some comfort and joy on this painful journey.