So, in brief, the past week 1)S5 finally got over his bug last Thursday (2/14) after 5 days with a fever of 105. All blood tests came back negative for mono or anything else so they guess it was the flu.
2)I was walking up to sub at a middle school last Friday (1/15) when I slipped on the ice. Tore the ligaments in my ankle/foot off the bone, and a piece of foot bone up next to the ankle was ripped off w/the ligaments. Have spent the week talking w/worker's comp., elevating my foot (doc says 8-10 hours per day), and thinking about my sitch. Probably a bad combo, pain pills and deep thinking
At the MC last 1/13, MC pointed out that we are in very different places. I have been "doing the work" on myself, reading, thinking, planning, figuring out my role in our problems, and what I want from life, etc. I know what I need for me to be content with me, and I made a list of things I need from my partner/spouse, things I need from that person to be in a successful relationship. It was nothing outrageous, things like *I need physical affection. I need to be held, kissed, hugged, etc. (As for my current H, I stated that sex didn't need to happen right now, although it did happen once last month, I just needed some kind of physical connection) *I need verbal affirmation. Someone who can say, "ILY", or call me during the day to say he's thinking of me, or call from a business trip to say he misses me. *For my H in particular, I need to regain trust. I need him to be where he says he will be, and if he says he won't do something (go out after bowling, meet with ex-ow to "talk" about their past relationship--she is still upset it is over and i am sure he probably is too to a certain extent--etc), I need to know he won't do it. Conversely, if he says he will do something (go on a date with me, hold me in bed, etc) I need him to do it, to follow through. So after we talked about this at MC, she suggested we have a discussion at home during the week of what physical affection was okay with my husband and what wasn't, since he is the once having issues with being physical (he says it takes away our focus on our problems--if we make out or have sex or whatever, it distracts from the real issues/problems we have, in his mind). She actually suggested this the week before, and we never had the discussion. Instead we had sex one time and that was it. So this week before our session on 2/21, I asked H if we could have that discussion about what affection was okay, what wasn't. He said he didn't want to have that talk.
Also, I had given H a letter earlier in the week. I wrote one 6-7 weeks ago w/my goals for me, and what I wanted to work on for myself. In this letter, I gave him an update on how I felt I was progressing in meeting my goals. I then praised him for a couple things I have noticed him doing well the past 6 weeks (talking to me more, kissing me goodbye before work a few times, etc.). Finally, after sharing my progress and praising his, I told him that I had had several weeks (7) to think about what I wanted from him to feel things were moving in the right direction. These are the things from my list
1)Throw out the "secret phone" that he had for calling/texting OW. In early Jan. he said the phone was put away somewhere in the basement, he didn't use it, and the contract was up in April. So he had to pay for it a few more months but that was it. In my letter, I said that it would make me feel good about our stability/the end of the OW relationship if he could get the phone out and throw it out in front of me. So I could KNOW it was gone. (Personally I see no reason to keep it hidden in the basement if the A is over but I did not put THAT in the letter)
2)Start having his regular cell phone out again. He used to always leave it out on a counter, on the dresser, etc when he was home. All throughout the A and since then, it is in his pocket, on silent ring, or he will leave it in the truck over night. He says his house charger is broken so he charges it in the truck. But he has never gotten a new house charger and never has it out just sitting somewhere anymore. I owned up to the fact that is was a breach of trust for me to read the messages in his phone during the A (H is still resentful that I did that, and although I feel I had the right since he was lying and having the A, I apologized for my actions in the letter). I told H in the letter that I no longer had a desire to look at his phone (true, b/c finding things out that way actually hurt worse, and now I want to trust him and not look in the phone at all), but I felt it would be a positive gesture toward our R if he could have it out again, to show he had nothing to hide either.
3)The physical/verbal affirmations listed earlier in the post. Saying he loves me, kissing me, etc.
4)I told him I would like to go on dates again like we did before we had kids, and like we had started to do last year before the A (but I didn't say the A part, just said start dating like we used to). I told him that I wanted US to be a priority for him and dating again would help me feel I was important.
That was the gist of my letter. I told him that I understood he had a great deal of personal "stuff" he needed to talk about with an individual C (he is finally going to get one when he moves in a couple weeks), and that he may not be capable of giving me what I want at this time. But if he wasn't capable of doing it, and wanted me to wait for him/stand by him while he worked through his "stuff", then he at least needed to tell me he wanted my support and ask me to wait for him.
So the morning of our MC appt (two days ago), I ask if he has anything to say re. my letter. He says he thinks it is all fair stuff that I should be able to have from him. I asked if he thought he could do any of it. He said, not right now. I started to ask him something else and he basically said, bottom line "I do not intend to answer any of your questions or meet any of your needs right now. I have to focus on getting the house ready to sell and starting my new job now."
Before that, he had to quit his job and move all the hay before we could be a priority. He finished the hay at 3 a.m. Monday, and quit his job Tues. By Wed, the house and new job were the new priorities. I basically came to a realization (hinted at the week before my MC and my IC) that he will always be able to find something else to be a priority if he wants to. Once he starts the job, it will be looking for a house. Then getting the new house in shape to live in, etc. etc. I guess it was like a lightning bolt in my mind telling me that in his eyes I am not important enough to make a priority, and that is not going to change. At least not until he goes through weeks/months of individual C to process all his own garbage. And maybe not even then.
So at MC Thursday, I told her I was done trying. That I felt I was the one making all of the effort. She reiterated her opinion that we are in two very different places emotionally/relationally right now. She said that could make "fixing" our M a real challenge. She basically said that the person who had progressed farther could wait for the other person, the person who hadn't progressed could take some small steps to draw closer to the other spouse, or we could take a break (separate) for awhile while we both progress individually, then reconnect to see if we were able to "make it work" at that point in time. I reiterated what I needed from H to be able to wait for him, that I needed some attempt at forward progress. He said he couldn't do it, had too much of his own junk to deal with first to feel comfortable doing that stuff with me (I love you, hugging, etc.), and when it came to the phone stuff, he said that the A was hardly anything to do with the 16 years of stuff he has to work on re. himself. I said I know but it is important to me, so it should be important to you....So MC intervened at this point and said the other option was for Dan to do as I had asked, to tell me he needs time to work on his own things, but to also tell me that I was important and he wanted me to wait for him/support him during this time. He said he couldn't do that either. She asked him what held him back and he just shrugged. Then she turned back to me and asked if I was willing to move forward given the current circumstances. I broke down bawling and said "No".
I SOOOOO want to be with my husband. I want to be with him and my kids as a family. But it can't be all my work and nothing in return. I want it so much that I would wait another several months if only he would say "I want us to work, please give me time to work on me", or if he would say "I can't do everything you want, but here. I'll get rid of the extra cell phone". SOMETHING! ANYTHING! Just a start would be nice. But I feel like I expressed my needs to stay in the M right now, and he clearly said he couldn't/wouldn't meet them. So to keep at it would lose all my credibility. He couldn't respect me for putting up with things as they are, and I couldn't respect me either. So he moves to Iowa in 10 days, and we will be "separated" once he is there.
The screwy thing is I was going to live here with the kids anyway until May or June while the house sells and I teach down here. But I am going in next week some time for a job interview back in our home town. They want someone for the rest of this year, and then full-time starting next year. So I would have to move "back home" myself sometime in March. That means we will have to look at the reality of living back home but in separate houses, having to explain it to the kids, and being around the people who have known me since infancy while I work on my own dirty laundry. And if you don't know it, a small (5,000) town in Iowa is gossip mill central. So anyone who ever knew me and Dan will know in a matter of days that we are separated. Grrrr.
My individual C says the impending separation is a positive thing b/c I have never followed through and made my H see the consequences of his choices/actions. She said that if he says he wants to be with me and the kids, but can't act on those feelings, realizing that I mean it this time and and moving forward with or without him in terms of a job, housing, etc, could cause him to finally take steps. She guided me through some questions where I wound up with one word answers about how H makes me feel these days. The answers were "unimportant" and "rejected". She asked if I wanted to continue in a marriage where those are my predominant feelings. I said "No." She said there was my answer for the short term. I can't continue to put myself in a place where I feel unimportant and rejected. That if/when H can behave toward me in a manner where I feel positively about the M, that is when we can work on fixing the M. But at this point it appears I am the one running around "fixing" things, but I have basically reached the limit to what I can fix without H's help.
SORRY this is so long. It has been over a week since I posted and a lot has happened so I have a lot to get out. Ironically, H left at noon to go fill out employee paperwork in Iowa. He'll be back late tonight. He held me for a minute before he went out to the truck. I was on the couch icing my foot and soothing myself with chocolate when he came back in to say goodbye. I said, Oh, I thought you already left (I had snuck in the fridge and was eating HIS chocolate ). He asked if I had seen a particular piece of paperwork. I hopped it into him and he said thanks and kissed me goodbye ON THE MOUTH---WTF??
it will be odd if I get more action once we separate............
when he came back in to say goodbye. I said, Oh, I thought you already left (I had snuck in the fridge and was eating HIS chocolate 
). He asked if I had seen a particular piece of paperwork. I hopped it into him and he said thanks and kissed me goodbye ON THE MOUTH---WTF??
