How do others get to the place where you didn't really care what she was doing?
I have to admit that when I look at her I see such a different person, and I don't like that person. It isn't that she's mean or anything, it's just the emotional disconnect, the treating me like I'm just an acquaintance she's talking to and not anyone she might have feelings for, even if they are hidden.
I mean, 7 weeks ago she was telling me she loved me, cuddling, being together. She was unhappy but she was still connected. It's so sad that it's taken only 7 weeks to get to this point.
Sometimes she's 'happy' and she's somewhat nicer. The rare time that she is down, like the other night, the edge comes off her and I can 'feel' the neediness, she has to connect, even if it's with me.
I could sit down and write a 'pro / con' list as to why her leaving is a GOOD thing and probably have a lot in the 'pro' list. Things that I would be better off not having to deal with any more.
But, the 'con' list carries a lot of weight. I love her, I love my kids and want them not to have a legacy of divorce, and I truly believe that inside, hidden somewhere right now, she loves me and that is not completely dead. Plus, I have to believe that her words over the last several months, where she said she has loved me more than anyone ever and she wanted us to grow old together were not just that - words.
I know she's hurt, and it feels so much better to her to feel like she has some control of her life, and her feelings. But also, my counselor was very clear that she wasn't able to be tenacious, committed and 'in my face' when she saw me spiraling downward. She waited for me to 'fix it' until she couldn't 'wait' any more.
And, as I said before, I never gave up on her, ever. Not when she was doing the things she's done to run away in the past. And she knows that. She probably even knows now that I haven't given up on her in the current situation.
But, Saturday we're telling D12 that we're getting divorced and that will be the turning point for W because she will see herself as actually 'doing something' to make it all real.
Every step like that hurts me, it's like getting another knife in my heart. It doesn't seem to hurt her at all as she is just 'doing what she needs to do'.
So, what do you think? What is the best way to handle all this? I can only be 'loving and nice' sometimes. The rest of the time I need space from her.
It's such a conflict. I don't want to be divorced from her, but she wants to be divorced from me. I can't do anything to change that, and I shouldn't try.
Yeah, I can think about how she can 'change her mind' since she did that 2 years ago and that might give me some hope. But the reality is that she's hurt enough that she has no faith, and is in 'flight or fight' mode. And she chooses 'flight'.
