May be you are right and he is in MLC. The symptoms: beady eyes, insomnia (not nesessarily, but often), 180 in style and clothes, overboard spending. Does it sound like him? And the worst is how mean, cold and unloving they become...
No wonder we cannot help crying. Just one look at him would make me well up with tears, and he hated it!
Don't beat yourself up over the backslide, nobody can avoid them. Just remind yourself that you not going to cry next time. Pinch yourself! I do:)
And yes, I think semi dark will help.
I loved your Solution Journal, btw. How about a new hair cut? or, even better, a facial? a nice long massage?
((((((((((((((loads of them:))))))))))))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Jen, don't beat yourself up over your backslide. I think we all do that now and then, the goal is just not to do it. Take it one day at a time. Trust me, and others here, when I say I understand how difficult it is do this and to take it slow. Just pick two things out each day and stick to that. That's my goal. I think that down the road, it'll be good DBing, good GALing.
Like last night, I so wanted to lean into my husband while watching a movie, but I didn't. I think he would have "allowed" it at the time, yet it would have been a bad overall move. I focused on that the WHOLE flipping movie. (Luckily I had seen the movie before!) My other day's focus was not saying a word about us/our relationship. One successful day.
Today's goals: not call, text or email him now that we've gotten the necessary home remodel/son's t-ball correspondence out of the way. Start organizing the house, one closet/one room at a time.
Tomorrow's goals: repot three plants in the house that need it and plant ten flowering plants outside. Not call him, text, email him all day, but be very upbeat should he contact me.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Today he's been around quite a bit. We went to do some banking and he was here after reading the newspaper. Made it a point of paying special attention to the classifieds . When out at the bank I asked him to please pick D up from school and if maybe he'd like to go out to eat with us after. He said ok Later he's going out with 2 friends to sit around and drink whiskey but he's actually making time for us.
He told me today he found a roomie for when he moves. Turns out a friend of ours is fed up with his M too and wants to move in with H...not sure thats good for our R though. I, of course, asked him if he was sure he wanted to move...ooops not the best question.
Good goals cw...no texting or calls for me either.
Stella I think maybe a new hair color might be fun...I have chin length hair so a cut is out but I'm planning to grow it out a bit. A gradual 180 but a 180 just the same. H told me one time I should go red...that might knock his socks off. haha
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Friday night we went out to eat. H was pretty quiet. I said "well talk to me then" He said "why do you bother to ask to go out with me and then complain that we don't talk?" My eyes filled and I said "it's pretty sad that after 10 years together we have nothing to say to each other. He said nothing. So I just started talking about D and work etc and so we got off on a conversation without even meaning to. Its funny because when there is pressure we don't have anything to say but once we both relax we realize we do have things to say to each other. I think he doesn't want to talk to me because I have a tendancy to be argumentative. I think I did a pretty good job not being like this last night.
Saturday he was supossed to have a class but the class got cancelled. He called me to say that his student wanted to postpone til tomorrow. He asked my permission to have class on a Sunday. We discussed it and decided to make a final descision about it later. Then an hour after that he called to say he had to go to the shop because the car had a problem with the battery and that he'd be by later.
If he is so interested in leaving why should it matter to me if he has class on a Sunday. If he wants so much freedom shouldn't he be making up his own mind about these things?
I have noticed that when I ask him where he is he gets upset at me for "checking up" on him BUT if I don't call him he'll "check in" with me throughout the day. So no more calling him for sure now.
For now it's easier but what am I ever going to do when he gets his own place? I guess it'll be easier to limit contact but if he signs a lease things will change a whole lot.
He hasn't mentioned the D since I asked him to wait and do a separation first. In Venezuela a couple doesn't have to have separation at all. He could file tomorrow if he wanted to.
We're buying the apartment we live in and he told me I could keep it for me and D. He said that any bank accounts in his name where mine too and he'll pay for school (no quality public schools in Venezuela). Basically all the same s**t without living together.
He texted me today (sunday) to see if we wanted to go to the park only about 30 minutes before I planned on going. Spent the afternoon at the park and then we came back "home" and had a hot dog night. For the 2 hours we were at the park I didn't talk about "us". He brought up the topic of the apartment we are buying and said that he'd have to wait to rent an apartment til after we buy this one. Said buying the apartment is far more important right now. We spoke about a female friend of his whose daughter has been sick and also I asked what she thought of our sitch. He said she's worried about him and keeps asking him if he's sure about what he's doing. Sometimes i think he's trying to convince himself while convincing his friends I told him I am not going to tell him to come home or reconsider because he had to do what he thought was best.
Over all I did pretty good I think. No tears and no R talk from me.
Jen
Last edited by JenInVen; 02/25/0801:58 PM.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I noticed the same thing about conversations with H. If you don't force yourself to have one, it goes well. As soon as you start thinking about what to say and how to say it, the awkward silence follows.
It is interesting that he would ask you about the class!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
My H is the exact same way. He plans on helping us financially for the rest of our lives.. he just doesn't want to live with us and be actively "married".. although we have no plans for divorcing.. just permanent separation is what he's looking for.
Hi Jen! You did great! Your H is showing some very positive signs of still connecting with you. Do not push him away by bringing up R talk - he's just not ready for it. Also, try to remember to not check up on him. It is a form of control. It seems that when you give him space, he makes an effort to contact you and wants to spend time with you. Look for the baby steps to keep you focused on your gaols.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
. When out at the bank I asked him to please pick D up from school and if maybe he'd like to go out to eat with us after. He said ok 
Later he's going out with 2 friends to sit around and drink whiskey but he's actually making time for us.