Finding Supermom - #4

[W2G]

((Jenny))

I agree completely with SO2. You were dealt with a huge piece of paper last night and you handled it better than I know I ever could have.. You didn't beg, you showed you are human and that you're in pain.

I can't offer any advise but I am thinking about you and praying for you.

W2G

[blindsided1]

Jenny - It makes me cry, also, to read your post. I know how hurtful those kinds of conversations can be. I read what SG said, and I'm confused. Maybe I don't understand how to use DB to improve the pieces of the R that we do have. And, how do you attract him back without letting him know you are even interested? If you have any insight, please let me know. I was seeing results in the beginning, but not many anymore.

I hope that your day gets better. You can do this. You can do this.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JF--

Yeah, I also get hung up on patterns as well. It really is almost like studying an ailien life form. The patterns are all very similar and what amazes me even more is that it transcends income levels and race and socioeconomic status. We are all from different parts of the world with different backgrounds all going through the same thing. I want to share a few things thoughts that I have found comforting. First, I was reading where a woman talked about going through dealing with her husband's affair and her eventual divorce. She talked about the pain and how intense it was. For whatever reason she decided to view the pain as her link to the human experience. It is true. Our very painful experience is linking us to hundreds of people on the board. You right now can feel my pain just as I can feel yours. I don't know about you, but before this I have had a pretty uneventful life. I have not known much tragedy. Going through this hurts like hell, but wow if this is the worst thing that ever happened to me I would be OK. The other think JF, is I have seen this response in H before. Not since we have been married, but when we were dating. I have seen this pattern. Things get heavy, things get serious, he has to take on more than his share of the load he bolts. I can't say that I am surprised. I do believe in my heart that he will come back around, but I am wondering if this is something that will continue to be a pattern for him and that I may have to continue to deal with for the rest or our lives. That I am not so sure I can do. Can you think of any behavior that your H exhibited when you were dating that might explain his actions now? Did you guys do a lot of breaking up and making up? Did he run then? The most tragic part to me in all this is that we have sons. My H saw this pattern in his dad, your H saw it in his dad, and now our sons will see it. That makes me sad because I look at my BIL and my sister and the difference in our situations is that her husband fights for their marriage because he came from parents that were married for 50 years. I don't want my son to think that leaving your family is OK. It's not. Your commitment and your word to your wife and children is something that should be honored no matter what. I don't know how to teach him that when he could very easily just say "well dad left, so why can't I.?

[JennyF]

Thank you everyone for your hugs and support. I'm sorry I made so many of you cry!
I've had a rough day, I feel like I've been hit by Mack truck. I didn't much done that I was supposed to. I cried a lot. I have a really terrible cold in my chest and it's moving into my head. I didn't sleep much last night between coughing, crying, S waking up to be fed and not being able to shut my brain off. I've been walking around in a fog all day, I'm just physically, emotinally and mentally spent. I guess we're allowed one of these now and then right?

blinsided,

Maybe I don't understand how to use DB to improve the pieces of the R that we do have.

I'm going to take a stab at explaining SG's suggestion. If she still stopping by maybe she can confirm if I'm on the right track. DB is about improving ourselves for ourselves. Recongizing the changes we need to make in ourselves and making them. You and I are actually in a better position than some because we do see our H's often, so there is a R there...even if it isn't a M. Do your 180's, GAL, set solution oriented goals and monitor them through the interactions you do have. Don't look for immediate results. Maybe we're so focused on the goal, that what we're doing may be working, it's just that A) we haven't give it enough time to make a difference and/or B) we need to ensure that the changes in ourselves are consistent and permanent. No waivering. These changes we're making will take time in themselves to become our new habituated ways of being.

And, how do you attract him back without letting him know you are even interested?

I've been thinking about this one all day. First and foremost make the changes, for yourself. Those will show through and will be attractive to everyone, not just your H. And I think they know we're interested, so if we just back off and become the person they want us to be(and we want us to be), then you become the persued and not the persuer.
Because ultimately the decision for them to come back has to be theirs. So it needs to be their idea to start to rekindle if they choose. Theirs alone. Blindsided we're banking on the fact that these R's with the OW are going to self destruct eventually. The stats are in our favour there. So make yourself the more attractive option when it does happen!!

hopetoworkitout,

For whatever reason she decided to view the pain as her link to the human experience. It is true. Our very painful experience is linking us to hundreds of people on the board. You right now can feel my pain just as I can feel yours.

I had a conversation similar to this with a friend last night (he himself is on his way out of his crisis and he and his wife are on the mend). I don't know what I would do without the people on these boards. Knowing there are others who can relate to the pain, means we don't have to talk about it all the time. We can get right to the heart of the matter knowing that so much is just understood.

I don't know about you, but before this I have had a pretty uneventful life. I have not known much tragedy. Going through this hurts like hell, but wow if this is the worst thing that ever happened to me I would be OK.

It's funny you mention this. I have not have a storybook life by any stretch of the imagination. I've had many challenges to face and I learned from a very early age that life is not fair. It's fair to say that I've come a long way and done well given the circumstances of my childhood. I THOUGHT that I finally had my happily ever after. I honestly thought that I was due for the good karma. I guess I still do think this. I can't get rid of the feeling that it will all be ok and we'll look back at this as the thing that made us stronger. I try not to dwell on the poor me stuff, but at times I keep looking up at God and saying...more? really more? I know He only gives us what we can handle, but does He think I'm made of steel?

Can you think of any behavior that your H exhibited when you were dating that might explain his actions now? Did you guys do a lot of breaking up and making up? Did he run then?

We never broke up once in the 9 years we were together. Never even came close. But H was 20 and I was 25 when we started dating. So I think he felt that maybe he missed out on sewing some wild oats. So he started the EA and one thing led to another. A ONS...and poof, he's in love.
He has always avoided dealing with things though. He comes by it honestly as his parent's are famous for it. When his Dad left (which was only about 6 years ago) it really tore him up and he's never recovered from it. I wish he could see how he is repeating the cycle, but he really doesn't see the comparison because in his mind he is not abandoning his kids like his Dad did.
I want to say to him, "Promise me something, if anyone ever hurts our D as much as you have hurt me, promise me you will make him pay!".
I know that I will NEVER allow my son to do this. I will support him through his life, but I will Mom enough to step and tell him when what he is doing is wrong.
My mom told me that a few years ago, my brother called her and said he and his wife were thinking of separating (he was thinking of leaving). My Mom said, "I don't bloody think so! You get your A$$ back home to your W and S and make it work!". And he did. I wish my H's mom had a little of that in her.

Anyway, I've had a long day and I have to get some rest. Here's hoping I sleep!
Tomorrow night I have a girls night planned. 5 of us are going out for dinner and then coming back to my house to have a LOT of wine. I will be picking S up from H on the way home from dinner and D is with him for the weekend.
I can't wait!! I just hope this cold is on the mend by then.
Thanks again to everyone. I love you guys!
J~

[Tomato]

much love right back at ya

have a great weekend Jenny

[blindsided1]

Hey Jenny,
Think we may be on the same depression cycle. It's my turn now. Thanks for explaining what SG told you. I understand it better. I hope that we all find our peace. I feel like saying the same thing to my H about "...if anyone ever hurts our daughter.." He knows he has hurt me, deeply. It doesn't seem to change a thing. And, as far as Mom'ing up, unfortunately, that doesn't always work. My H looks up to his Dad for approval more than any person on this planet. Both his parents told him that what he was doing was wrong, they don't want to have anything to do with his new R and that he should be working on his marriage not running from his responsibilities. Nothing worked. He is dead set on NOT being with me. So, I guess all those times that he has come over and been sweet and/or wanted sex...what was that all about, just a stupid yearning for the familiar? I hate my H right now. I keep reading your posts hoping that I will be able to put that anger and hatred away and be strong for my D and I. The anger is tearing me up, but I can't find my love for H, right now. I find myself cursing him and wishing him misery. How do you deal with those feelings, Jenny? Do you ever get like that? I watch you and SO2 and your sitch's. I am really happy for SO2 and I keep waiting for your sitch to turn in the better direction. I'm gonna be here when it does. I have faith that it will. I wish I had your strength.

[saffie]

Right.....Jenny - I am setting you a test - just for fun.

(Butch voice)I am not who I appear to be, (well sort of), so you have to guess who I really am......OK? (Girly voice starts-"Look IC, I can't get used to having to be a different sex - I can't keep it up long so get on and spit it out........oops, a bit of a faux pas there.....), Butch voice resumes......with a bit of crotch grabbing and deep coughing.....

I am sorry I can't post to this foul mouthed fiesty Canuk and I may be banned but YOU are not forgotten. I want you to know that I am watching and thinking of you and cheering you on.

I hope you start getting better soon and have a blast of a night with the girls tonight. Let off steam and enjoy yourself.

Back to girlie voice -(ps. if you want to send a message back at any point Jenny then my email - saffie that is - is in my profile). As you can see my spelling isn't as good as IC's but I assure you I can be as foul mouthed any day

[JennyF]

Saffie
Thank you thank you thank you. (the butch voice was great by the way!)
I sort of figured out what happened...and I was devastated that I would not be hearing from IC anymore. He is so motivating and gives me a laugh when I need it most. I will try to look up the e-mail.

Thanks again!
J~

[saffie]

I have just been officially reprimanded for crotch grabbing. LOL That's the first time that's happened to me - usually he's yelling "yeah baby" or words to that effect or just groaning!!!!!

My H that is - just to clarify!!!!!

[sgctxok]

Stopping to check in on you.



Let me explain. What I mean is....don't worry if it's MLC or not. Determining that may or may not help you understand, but it won't help you determine what to do. It just helps you realize it may take a very long time.



But I DO NOT MEAN that DBing is for you. I don't mean it isn't, but I mean you can FOCUS ON THE EXCEPTIONS. Build the positives until they grow. Build your relationship skills. It's great and very important and a part of DBing to learn how to get a life and improve yourself. But DBing is about building your relationship.

What she says in MLC is that it is possible you will get very frustrated. And you may be trying to hard it's counterproductive. You may need to just focus on yourself. Don't let this relationship consume your every thought, your every action. It doesnt' mean keep the MORE OF THE SAME behaviors.

This has been interpreted by many to mean, there's nothing you can do, just focus on yourself.


I hope that helps.