Listening for surprises...

[ediemarie]

But you can show him there will be consequences if he does not.

and when I have mentioned these consequences in the past he has said you have to do what you think is right. If you think it's right to do "xyz" then do "xyz"

I'm past the point of fearing my marriage be over. There was a time when I feared that and my actions were out of fear. I'm not fearful of losing it. I'm hesitant because in the past I have crammed what I have wanted down H's throat. I struggle because I can't find the balance between "laying the issue beside him" (as cat has said) and cramming it down him. The cramming it down him bit doesn't work with H. In fact it makes him more obstinant. (much like a child, it turns into a power struggle) I feel that I need to get creative in this situation and I don't know what that is. I don't how to finesse this sitch - I need some good old fashioned female trickery - you know, along the lines of the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I'm so "bull in a china closet" about just about everything in life and so light on the finesse.

Plan B of having a credentialled sex therapist ready to go is an option. It's even an option for me to see him/her and get some ideas there without H.

I think what's stopping H is performance anxiety.

while this could be possible, I'm not convinced of this. I do believe it's a rejection issue. I believe it when he says that because that is his fear. He was abandoned as a child by both parents and that just runs really deeply. I honestly believe that he is afraid of being closely knit to me due to his abandonment issues. Everyone he has loved in life has walked away from him. Granted it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it happens nonentheless and is a real fear of his. So, in H's eyes, we ML, but H fears that it will still not be enough to keep me.