"So you can see that you both probably have abandonment issues that cause you both to pursue, and that feels like engulfment to your wife, so she pulls further back, you pursue harder, and the cycle gets more intense. You contribute 50% to this dynamic.
What your wife really wants, like mine does, is to be held and comforted. But if like my wife, she did not have that modeled for her and does not know how to accept such intimacy. It is too scary. She is stuck in limbo, and while not happy, she is at least safe. Your counselor is asking the right question as to whether she is through with the relationship. That will cause her to have to face what it is that she wants, rather than what she does not want. But beware that if her fears issues are intense enough, it will seem safer to her to end the marriage rather than face her fears.
The key IMO is to give her loads of empathy and focus directly on her core fears (which means you need to identify what those fears are). She will avoid, deny, deflect, get angry, do anything and everything she can to avoid the topic and turn the focus and the blame back on you. So to disarm this, you deal with your issues openly, in depth, and in front of her. By you going first, she will see your vulnerability, develop some compassion for your fears, and take away any excuses not to work on herself."
Nope. Dude, if trying to reestablish a sex life is unhealthy pursuit, then all of us need to be at the courthouse with the attorney. I do so much holding and conforting it's unreal, that's not it. Finally, been married once and the sex life was great, it's not me. My ex and my wife have very different personalities with regards to intimacy, this is probably the root cause. I use sex to relieve stress, to bond, and to relax. Wife uses sex to relieve the pesky bimonthly pelvic congestion. I am not being facetious here, it is really this way. Has been for 15 years, although the congestion occurred more often so it was not a big issue.
