Basically, H doesn't want to talk about it - with anyone, not even me. This is his issue and he'll have to deal with it on his own time.
I got stonewalled - big time. But, he still extremely cuddly, affectionate, loving, etc. So, I know that I need to create a safe environment. Now that I have told him calmly that this issue concerns me, I'm letting it go. He needs to now come around on this. Clearly he isn't ready to deal with it.
Anyway, I say this because H was really bothered by the situation there but didn't know how to deal with it, until I told him that I felt he really needed closure there and perhaps going back there would help. But it wasn't until I told him that I think he might want to do that, that he did. And it took about 3 to 4 weeks for him to come around. I'm going to give him 3 to 4 weeks on this - and I'm going to try some stuff in the meantime.
OK, ediemarie, here goes. A few ideas for you. You wrote "I'm letting it go, he needs to now come around on this." But likely he won't if left to himself. Just as in the church closure issue, you'll probably have to give a lead.
First of all, a commentary and an instruction from the master, St. Paul writing to the Corinthians (1Cor.7:3-5)
"Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
Now on to a contemporary master of marriage counselling, Willard Harley ("His Needs/Her Needs") Harley's contribution to the discipline was some original research on the differing emotional needs of husbands and wives. He identified 10 emotional needs. All 10 were important to both husbands and wives, but the 10 emotional needs were ranked differently according to gender. For women the #1 emotional need, the one they couldn't do without was 'affection'. For men it was 'sex'. Yes, Harley identified sex as an emotional need, and for men it was #1, the one they couldn't do without, at least not for very long.
So you can pretty well figure it out, that sooner or later, if he's not getting it from you he'll be getting it elsewhere. St. Paul and Willard Harley are in agreement on this issue and both are experts in their respective fields.
Now on to what appleroad has learned from reading what the credentialled sex therapists (David Schnarch et al) have to say about the issue: sexuality for a mature married couple is different from the sexuality of the in-love-with love affair (either pre-marital, early marital or extramarital) It is possible (appleroad has checked this out BTW) to have a satisfying sex life with the sexual encounters not being driven by 'feelings'. In other words, intention alone is enough. Male arousal does not rely on the in-love-with feelings alone. Physical stimulation (hopefully from his partner) will get the job done. And when you really stop to think about it, why should a wife feel that she needs to patiently await from her husband the same lustful, illicit in-love-with feelings that drove him to an A? To an unchaste, immoral OW? Does this make sense?
Do it the wifely way, ediemarie. Insist on you rights -- in your mind, no need to verbalize this to H, only to yourself. Stop giving away your care and affection, it sounds like it's going into a black hole. Make sure you get back from the relationship equivalent to what you're putting into it, make it a truly reciprocal adult relationship. H is coming across as a baby, as a sensitive invalid. It's time for him to "man-up". He's probably afraid of not being able to rise to the occasion without the in-love-with feelings being present. So let him face this fear and conquer it. He's not a baby. He's a man. He needs something more than a safe environment.
