No children to draw him back.....no what???

[Pinkribbon]

Arer you on any medication? Have you been to see your doctor?

Maybe you have depression from all this and could do with some help?

You say your H had some good points - how about telling us some of those so we can understand why you want to be with him still.

I think the changes you have mentioned making on this thread sound great. It seems like you are being much truer to yourself now.

Thanks I am trying to be truer to myself. I am hoping it helps in the long run. No I am not on medication and I would prefer not to be. I think that if I can get through this without medication I would have truly gotten over and healed properly. Silly probably but it is what I am hoping.

[saffie]

I know this may sound a bit stupid, but maybe part of your H's problem is that he wasn'true to himself when he got with you. He then tried to change you into what he wanted and stopped seeing you for who you actually are.

To be honest, your descriptions of you both don't sound a great fit to me, and if he is making you not parent how you want to I would question whether or not you really want to be with your H or you are just missing having a significant other to share your life with. I know that for me, being there for my kids would be a deal breaker if I had to find a new partner.

Have you got the opportunity at all to go and talk all this through with some sort of C - get a professional perspective on it all?

[Pinkribbon]

I have been going to a counselor since I moved out but she has been ill for almost a month and have cancelled 3 of my appointments. They won't say what is wrong with her but my next appointment they kept which is March 8.

I had thought also about him not being true to himself. A person can only have a false face for so long before the strain gets to him. I thought he loved me like I am.

I really messed things up didn't I? So just your opinion....should I realize that it is over and he won't be coming back?

[saffie]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself by saying you really messed things up. I expect like nearly all of us on these boards you went into that M with the highest expectations and feeling full of love. I don't think you have messed up any more than anyone else here has. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I can't possibly answer your last question but rather I would ask do you want him back? If the answer is yes, tell me why? Why your H in particular and not another Significant Other? The reason I ask this is that from what you post I get the feeling you are not sure this was such a great R/M. If I am correct in my feeling then why do you want to be with your H? If I am wrong, (which is not unusual at all!!!!), tell me why you want to be M'd to your H . How does the continuation of the M benefit you, your daughter, and your H?

[Pinkribbon]

Yes I do want him back. I miss him and I love him. BUT this was not a really good relationship in the end. I felt bad more than I felt good. I was unhappy more days than I felt happy. And he probably feels the same way. Which is probaby why he never contacts me. He is just doing a better job of getting over the hurt than I am. (This is just an assumption)

Honestly I am crazy about him but he was not a nice person and I really didn't like his creepy family. I wanted someone to be married to not a roomate. I paid half of all household bills but I wasn't allowed to change anything in the house. I wanted to nest and build a home together. You know plant flowers, work in the yard, have pictures taken to hang on the wall, combine things and make them ours. I think I got the most hurt when I told him this and he said "This was not his home. This was just a place where he lived and kept his stuff. Just a house. His home was with his father in XXX." Kinda made me realize that we would never be the way I thought it would be.

I think I need to realize that I can love someone but not be with them. I just hurt more when I think about all the fun he is having and how much "he hates me".

I just don't know how to move forward. I feel stuck here in limbo land always with that little bit of hope.

[Pinkribbon]

Oh and no the continuation of the marriage does not benefit anyone. My daughter has flourished and is happier now. We have a better realtionship and I don't feel like I have to justify any decisions I make with her.

I am just miss talking to him and seeing him everyday and can't move past that.

[saffie]

Tell me why you are crazy about him? What is it about him in particular rather than another person who could be your S.

What would you look for in your S if you were starting from scratch again?

[Pinkribbon]

I am not real sure anymore why I am crazy about him. I truly can not tell you why. Maybe I am fighting myself. Not letting go of him but fighting myself because I know it is a good thing but I don't want it to be a good thing? Does that make sense?

[Pinkribbon]

Maybe I am afraid I will never have anyone as "good" again?

[saffie]

I can understand that fear but it isn't the best reason for staying wanting someone is it? That's why I have been asking these questions.

I guess a large majority of us are on here because in some way we were incompatible with our S. I think that most people come here knowing why they want to stand for their M and I just don't get that vibe from you. That's not the same as saying you don't have good reason to do that. I just thought by identifying those reasons, and seeing the good things in your H, you could then try and reach a point where you could try and find a strategy to reach those things in him again.

Personally, the conflict between your H and your child is something that as a mother I know I would struggle with; but having said that, teenagers will find anything to argue with their parents about and maybe him not being the natural father of your D was just an excuse for them to kick off with one another.

It just seems from what you post about your M that things were uneasy in the M for longer than they were good. Don't you deserve better? Isn't life easier without your H there on a day to day basis? I do understand that it must be very lonely - this was something that I was very frightened of myself when I found out about H's A. Luckily I never got to find out how I would cope alone, but I do know that fear is not a good enough reason to stay wanting someone. To keep your M together I think you need to know why you want it.