NikB #25

[NikB]

Thanks for posting!

H
haha seriously.. video is not likely.. show in Vegas? Ummm never!! I passed out last time I had to try to do a presentation in front of people at work. Now I'm just really good at writing and scripting them.

jak
I sure hope so! Had a couple nights I was iffy about this week. I wasn't in a great mood, and didn't "fake it" around H... it was weird, he seemed to jump right to the negative, followed by me taking it personally and getting upset, followed by more negatives. It wasn't THAT bad but a definite pattern. And it made me think a lot. So - am I not "allowed" to be in a bad mood around H? That's really not OK... but at the same time, "faking it til I make it" seems to help BOTH of us in the long run. There's probably a balance I haven't yet found.

On the exercise.. I LOVE the dance class for that reason, you definitely tone, and in really specific areas. There's nothing like that around you? That's too bad! I am still trying out some DVDs so if any are good I'll be glad to recommend them. I can ask my instructor too if you want - she mostly knows people in Cali but is pretty "tuned in" to the bellydance community so she may know of people in your area. (NY right?).

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Some journaling...

Tonight met some friends for drinks after work and we stayed way too long (aren't those the best nights?? ). Enjoyed it a lot.

Got home and H was kinda irritated how late it was.. although he told me earlier HE would be gone all night (working on his car at a friend's house), so I didn't think it was a big deal. He told me about his day, asked about mine - this seems to be a new "thing" - we used to ask and it was "good, yours?" - now it seems important, to him especially, that I really listen to what he says and talk more about his day. I always babbled about my day anyway, so I've been trying to put more focus on him/his day (still talking about mine, but not being so focused on it).

He kept hemming and hawing and finally asked if I needed help emptying the trunk - I said no, why? He said he thought I must've been out shopping. I said no, I was out with some friends. He looked a bit surprised and asked if I was sure I didn't need help carrying anything in. Just thought it was funny. Later H asked who, specifically, I was with so I told him.. he's been very open so I am OK with that if he asks right now.

I feel like I'm getting too caught up again, putting myself in too vulnerable of a position. I also feel like it's the best time TO do that, our best shot at making things work long term. Kinda tough to balance right now. I have to avoid looking at calendars. I just realized today that's why I haven't filled out "08" yet - I don't want to "see" how long this has truly been going on. At the same time, I REALLY feel him trying hard and I feel myself wanting to risk it. This gets easier sometime right??

I'm trying to plan some good GAL stuff for the weekend (and avoid getting too "dependent" on our M). Hopefully all that works out well.