Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

I like the thought that he's showing me off. But he's definitely poking out of the tunnel and then back in again. He's reconnecting w/ D and I would have thought he'd be trying to reconnect w/ his parents next, but maybe I'm safer. He is very ashamed of what he has done to me, how much he has hurt me - he told me that before. I guess it's difficult to grasp how difficult that must be to deal with, especially when he has spent his entire life being the person that everyone could depend on, and always did. He set himself up to such high standards, and has fallen so far from that pedestal. He knows what a disappointment he is to his parents, which is probably why he hasn't talked to them in over 6 weeks.

But even with the positive signs I have to stay detached, otherwise I will end up climbing back into the front seat of the roller coaster, and I'm just not able to do that anymore - I'm just way too sensitive, and beaten up from the past year and a half. My friend told me today that I look different, in my face and in my eyes. It made me feel good to hear that the shift I feel I have made inside is reflected on the outside.

Maybe that's what's going on w/ your W too. It seems that you have made something of a shift as well. Her reconnecting w/ your kids is a promising development, especially S27 whom you said she had not spoken to in months and months, despite a new grandchild (I hope my memory is serving me - he did recently have a baby, didn't he?). You seem to be a very patient understanding man, and you are strike me as being strong enough to give your W as much time as she needs to find her way out of the tunnel. Don't give up. Make some pizza while you're at it!! Oh I'm so tired, I'm getting silly now.

And strangely, maybe having to heal and make yourself strong again physically is helping you see what you need to do emotionally to get strong. Sucks though that not only did they rip open your chest, but they also screwed up your shoulder. Maybe they could have broken your leg too, while they were at it.

No, not marathons, though I wonder if I could ever do one; maybe a half. I run short (6-8 km) trail races (lots of hills so I have really strong legs). I was never an athlete as a kid (I was afraid of the ball), but when my H left me last March I needed something to focus on. H had done this same series of races the year before and I figured, why not me too. Plus I was hoping to impress him. Turns out, I placed 3rd my first race. I was dumbfounded! There are 5 races in the series, and last year I won the top spot overall for my age division. I didn't win every race, but placed in 2nd or 3rd - so I basically won on points - still, I won. This year I'd like to place 2nd or better in all races, so training basically starts now. But my core was very weak last year, so I'm doing a lot more strength training than I did last year. I was so stressed that I would just put on my running shoes and run off the nervous energy - I was like a string bean on crack. This year I feel much more balanced and stronger. I just have to work on my speed again, and heal that pulled muscle in my leg. (Oh and deal w/ my IT band.) Then watch out for me!!!

Here's something; tell me what you think. H took off for this ski race thing after giving me basically no notice that he wouldn't be taking D for his usual nights this week (-). He has called at least once every day to stay in touch (+). When he first told me, I was choked that he wasn't going to be back Fri night b/c I had plans to go out (-). Today he called to say he was going to be back late Fri afternoon (+), but if he stayed to work the am race, he wouldn't make it back in time to pick up D (-). BUT he said he was willing to forgo the am race if I really needed him to be back so I could go out (++). So I told him that if this is really important to him, (he said it was) then I was willing to work around it, pick up D from school (which I really didn't want to have to do) then he could come get her at the house and I would go out afterwards. I said that I would do this for him b/c I know he will do the same for me when I have something important. He said yes, he would do the same for me.(+++)

I think that was quite positive and I think this is a sign of how maybe he is starting to have the capacity to think about how things affect me. The fact that we were able to negotiate something that worked for both of us was pretty impressive to me. In the past he would have simply said that he wouldn't make it back. Or in the very, very dark times, he would have taken off and not even told me where he was going or that he was going at all. He definitely would not have kept in touch.

So tomorrow will be my first "date" with a new girl friend. I'm pretty excited. I really don't know if going to a lounge by myself is something I would ever do. How about we start by going to a restaurant "separately together" (what's the protocol for something like this - does the guy still pay?). Maybe we could get a whole bunch of us and all go out "separately together". But how do we account for the time difference (I think you are about 3 hours ahead of me)? Okay, now I've got to get some sleep - I'm getting really silly.

Oops - sorry for the long post. Ever since I stopped unloading on my friends (so glad of that) I have so much to say when I get on the boards. Eeek. I've still got to make lunches for tomorrow.

FA