Alright. Kiddos are in bed so now I can write more.

I'm frustrated, confused, tired, cranky, lonely, sad, numb, feel this is hopeless, unsure about everything, just don't know what to do.

Three months ago, I knew exactly where this was all going. Knew where I was going. Knew it was just finally going to be all over. The hurt was going to be gone. The unknowing was going to be gone. The deceit would probably still be there, but at this point, after the D, who would care? Not me. My life was moving along, and I was finally going forward.

At times I feel like I should be rejoicing because the seemingly impossible had happened. My H, at last, came around and said he still loved me and didn't want to get D'ed. He began including me back into his life, taking me along on outings with the kids and once just the two of us. Calls me a little more often these days.

Positive things are happening. There is caring. There is better communication.

I should feel really good about this. But I don't. \:\(

All of a sudden, he barely touches me anymore. Couldn't keep his hands off me the first time we ML since being S'ed for over 2 years, but now, even when I try to go for a little hug which is not often at all, I get nothing. Just a dead weight slightly leaning into me. No arms around me, nothing. Oh wait - I did get a little pat on the back at MIL's one day when he tried to hug me in front of her. Rather he just didn't.

And every time my H has talked about or said anything that had to do with us spending time together, he always sounds like he is about to cry, and sometimes does. Why? WHY??????

How can I act as if, how can I be happy, hopeful when all he continues to show me is ambivalence, fear, sadness?

How can I act as if and feel good about this?

I want to be happy about this. I deserve to be happy, and I can't feel positive about anything when H seems so sad and undetermined with this M.

This day sucks so bad. I want this all to be over. I want my optimism and life back. I want the pessimism gone, and that is soooo HARD to get rid of when there's absolutely no help.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell