1st post- he left- came back- & just left again

[fooled again]

Tipper,

I'm no expert by any means, but I suspect your H is nearing rock bottom. I also suspect that it takes hitting rock bottom for some of them to "wake up", and everyone has their own definition of rock bottom. I don't know your H, and every sitch is different, but it does sound a bit to me that he is looking for sympathy where he knows it will come from. Remember, in replay they are only capable of thinking of themselves. You are someone who was always there for him in the past (despite the rewriting of history) and he so knows which buttons to push to get the what he wants from you. He knows that by you having taken him back once already, and he knows how much you want him to come home.

IMHO, if you rescue him, you will be prolonging this process. I believe he needs to really see what he has done to his life and the people he cares about and really feel the full effect of his life without you to fall back on. But you know him better than anyone else. Go with your gut. I would listen to what he has to say, but don't say much else. I would not let him move back home yet. I would not give him any money. Let him come to you, but don't respond too positively too quickly.

I think that's what may have happened to my H as he seems not to be in replay anymore but instead he seems to by cycling in withdrawal. He came as close as possible to rock bottom last October - I told him I was done after discovering AGAIN that he was still seeing OW and I went dark for a few weeks. One night he was so crazy that he called me over 50 times (finally stopping at about 4:00 am). By this point he had lost me, he had already lost his job in June, he had lost his best friend, lost the respect of just about everyone he cared about (including his parents and siblings), he had spent every dime he had (from his severance and his stock cashout - basically all of his retirement savings) and he had into debt in a big way. The only thing he had left was D7 who is too young to see what he has done to us all (though she too has been asking some pretty big questions for such a little girl).

I have been able to maintain my sanity by detaching as much as possible. I really hadn't been successful at detaching until I put 2 & 2 together and realize that all this craziness was from MLC. And even though he is showing signs of wanting to reconnect, these actions are interspersed with withdrawal. It's only be remaining as detached as possible that I stay off the roller coaster ride and watch it from the safety of the sidelines. Otherwise I would be a complete mess - as I was as recently as the beginning of January and for a year and a half before that.

We can't fix them, we can't fix their problems, we can't help them through this, we can't tell them what's wrong with them, we can't convince them to get help. We have to simply love them from a distance and wait. But we can't let them drag us down with them. Have faith that he will find his way out of the tunnel when he is able to see his way clearly. Re-read your own tips from your Solution Journal - they will tell you what is the right thing to do, or not do.

I'm thinking of you.
FA