Finding Supermom - #4

[JennyF]

Thank you everyone for your hugs and support. I'm sorry I made so many of you cry!
I've had a rough day, I feel like I've been hit by Mack truck. I didn't much done that I was supposed to. I cried a lot. I have a really terrible cold in my chest and it's moving into my head. I didn't sleep much last night between coughing, crying, S waking up to be fed and not being able to shut my brain off. I've been walking around in a fog all day, I'm just physically, emotinally and mentally spent. I guess we're allowed one of these now and then right?

blinsided,

Maybe I don't understand how to use DB to improve the pieces of the R that we do have.

I'm going to take a stab at explaining SG's suggestion. If she still stopping by maybe she can confirm if I'm on the right track. DB is about improving ourselves for ourselves. Recongizing the changes we need to make in ourselves and making them. You and I are actually in a better position than some because we do see our H's often, so there is a R there...even if it isn't a M. Do your 180's, GAL, set solution oriented goals and monitor them through the interactions you do have. Don't look for immediate results. Maybe we're so focused on the goal, that what we're doing may be working, it's just that A) we haven't give it enough time to make a difference and/or B) we need to ensure that the changes in ourselves are consistent and permanent. No waivering. These changes we're making will take time in themselves to become our new habituated ways of being.

And, how do you attract him back without letting him know you are even interested?

I've been thinking about this one all day. First and foremost make the changes, for yourself. Those will show through and will be attractive to everyone, not just your H. And I think they know we're interested, so if we just back off and become the person they want us to be(and we want us to be), then you become the persued and not the persuer.
Because ultimately the decision for them to come back has to be theirs. So it needs to be their idea to start to rekindle if they choose. Theirs alone. Blindsided we're banking on the fact that these R's with the OW are going to self destruct eventually. The stats are in our favour there. So make yourself the more attractive option when it does happen!!

hopetoworkitout,

For whatever reason she decided to view the pain as her link to the human experience. It is true. Our very painful experience is linking us to hundreds of people on the board. You right now can feel my pain just as I can feel yours.

I had a conversation similar to this with a friend last night (he himself is on his way out of his crisis and he and his wife are on the mend). I don't know what I would do without the people on these boards. Knowing there are others who can relate to the pain, means we don't have to talk about it all the time. We can get right to the heart of the matter knowing that so much is just understood.

I don't know about you, but before this I have had a pretty uneventful life. I have not known much tragedy. Going through this hurts like hell, but wow if this is the worst thing that ever happened to me I would be OK.

It's funny you mention this. I have not have a storybook life by any stretch of the imagination. I've had many challenges to face and I learned from a very early age that life is not fair. It's fair to say that I've come a long way and done well given the circumstances of my childhood. I THOUGHT that I finally had my happily ever after. I honestly thought that I was due for the good karma. I guess I still do think this. I can't get rid of the feeling that it will all be ok and we'll look back at this as the thing that made us stronger. I try not to dwell on the poor me stuff, but at times I keep looking up at God and saying...more? really more? I know He only gives us what we can handle, but does He think I'm made of steel?

Can you think of any behavior that your H exhibited when you were dating that might explain his actions now? Did you guys do a lot of breaking up and making up? Did he run then?

We never broke up once in the 9 years we were together. Never even came close. But H was 20 and I was 25 when we started dating. So I think he felt that maybe he missed out on sewing some wild oats. So he started the EA and one thing led to another. A ONS...and poof, he's in love.
He has always avoided dealing with things though. He comes by it honestly as his parent's are famous for it. When his Dad left (which was only about 6 years ago) it really tore him up and he's never recovered from it. I wish he could see how he is repeating the cycle, but he really doesn't see the comparison because in his mind he is not abandoning his kids like his Dad did.
I want to say to him, "Promise me something, if anyone ever hurts our D as much as you have hurt me, promise me you will make him pay!".
I know that I will NEVER allow my son to do this. I will support him through his life, but I will Mom enough to step and tell him when what he is doing is wrong.
My mom told me that a few years ago, my brother called her and said he and his wife were thinking of separating (he was thinking of leaving). My Mom said, "I don't bloody think so! You get your A$$ back home to your W and S and make it work!". And he did. I wish my H's mom had a little of that in her.

Anyway, I've had a long day and I have to get some rest. Here's hoping I sleep!
Tomorrow night I have a girls night planned. 5 of us are going out for dinner and then coming back to my house to have a LOT of wine. I will be picking S up from H on the way home from dinner and D is with him for the weekend.
I can't wait!! I just hope this cold is on the mend by then.
Thanks again to everyone. I love you guys!
J~