I want you to know that I really appreciate your support as we struggle through these trying times. I know that there are so many others who have more dire sitches than mine and yet I still struggle to make it through each day.
God is showing me that I can be strong and it sounds like he has been showing you the same thing. I have been to the Steinkamp's website a lot lately. Hearing Charlyne's voice in her recorded messages has been a great comfort to me. I would recommend it to anyone who is hurting or feels alone.
I have also found that hearing/reading stories of restored M's has been very encouraging. I need that kind of thing to show me that it IS possible to repair the damage and to get our families back on track.
I have to smile when I think about all the reading I have done in the past month. I haven't read this much since I was in college and I can tell you that I was NEVER this motivated to read back then! LOL. I devour everything I can get my hands on in the hopes that it will shed a little light onto my sitch and help me show my W that I am the guy who will be here for her today tomorrow and for a long time after that! And anything I can do to help ease her pain will be well worth it to me.
I hope that you have a terrific day (as much as we can have one) and that it brings you one step closer to opening the eyes of your H and restoring your M.
Hang in there girl!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Wow did I have another set back lastnight. Called H and talked for an hour and a half about our S8 and how severe it has gotten and told him that our problems were all fixable and we owed it to our kdis to at least try to fix them. He then told me he is trying to fix them by going to counseling with S8 and I to fix S8 but not us. Told me this new life makes him truly happy and that this is now who he is and his new life is none of my business. He is here today with the kids and seems more friendly to me so I can only hope our talk lastnight, or mostly me talking at him, is working on his mind and heart.
I did let temptation get the better of me though and peeked in his cell while it was sitting on the ledge and he was off in another part of the hosue playing with S8 and only looked through texts send and received and he must have recently cleared it because there was only yesterday in there. Well anyway a text came through to his number lastnight at 10:10 p.m. that said only, "Hay Sexy" to which he never replied nor called to. Of course dingaling me snuck up here to my office and sent it a text from my phone asking who this was because the number showed up on my text bill. No response yet and I may never get one and YES I know H may get wind of it too. A risk I have no choice now but to be willing to take since I let that damn devil take over me for a minute. I never ran the risk of going through his contacts as it would take too much time and I would surely have gotten caught. Heck, who in the world would be sending him a text like that at that time of night other than a woman. Now sure it could be nothing more than a joke or innocent flirting or it surely could be more than that but if it were I would expect he would have replied or called. Who knows but there I go giving myself one more thing to waste precious effort worrying about.
Phooeeeeey on me.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I know that you want your M to work, but you need to work on yourself. You are trying so hard and yet continue to sabotage your efforts. I know that it is hard for you to keep from snooping, but in the long run it really doesn't matter what is on his phone. Unless you are looking for ammunition for a D knowing he is texting an OW will only hurt and make you want to lash out at him.
The more your pursue and accuse him of things the more he is going to tell you how truly happy he is whether it is true or not. You have to show him how you have changed. Don't tell him, show him. Don't call him, don't text him. When you talk to him make it only about the kids and logistical topics. Be loving and supportive.
I can tell you that if I were him and you started to support me as to what I was doing, it wouldn't be long before I realized that it was the family that was my strength, not the new lifestyle. Let him do what he is going to do. You need to pray and let go of all the little things that are getting to you. Just do what you have to do to take care of your kids and to love him from a distance.
I know it is hard, believe me. We all hurt but you need to get another outlet for your pain. Vent here, work out, run, walk, talk to God, pray, sign up for kickboxing whatever it takes. You can do this. Focus on the the big picture. Stand for your M and know that you will have to go through the fire before you get to the finish.
Keep working, it IS worth it.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Thank you so much for your words. They really get me through the tough times. You are very right. I HAVE to keep working on me and not dwell on the phone and text and such. Yes, I have to show him my changes. It is super tough right now though with the severe crisis situation our son is in. I so want H to accept that this is really happening and come home to us so we can heal as a family. I realize that showing him my positive actions will get more flies so to speak.
S8 is in so much pain right now and that kills me and I call H crying about S and tell H the only way we can truly fix him wihtout admitting him somewhere or heavily sedating him is to fix our M. I know horrible pressure but how am I to do this part of parenting alone?
Anyway, it is almost 11:30 so the kids and I are going to head out and do something. Don't know what yet but we will go have a good day together.
Again Bryan-thanks for your support and encouragement it always helps. Also know that althogh I have been weak the last few days that I am also always here for you too.
Heather
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
LOL...the kids and I went shopping today at the mall. I splurged and got them each a stuffed animal they didn't need. I also got myself new jeans and underthings since this WAS diet has done an amazing job of helping me drop 32 pounds in 8 weeks. I look and feel great in that regard and I know H has noticed but of course won't say diddly about it but the neighbors sure are all commenting.
So this was a decent day once I got off the pity train and left the house.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I am hanging in there. Yesterday was a bit tough, but I managed to get through it and I think today is going to be better.
Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day I proposed to my W. I really tried to keep it out of my head as much as possible. We had a R talk around lunchtime that wasn't good and wasn't bad. Just some things that had to be said and ironed out.
Then last night we spent an hour and 15 minutes together while getting our taxes done. It is the longest we've been together in a couple of months. We did okay. I think I managed to keep from wearing my heart on my sleeve. Score one for me. LOL
I did give her knuckles (something I usually do with the kids) and told her "Happy February 19th". She was confused for a moment and then remembered and smiled and said thanks. (We celebrated that date prior to this year.) I thought the knuckles thing was good as I physically touched her but not in a romantic way. It was low-pressure contact.
I am hoping that you are doing well. I am planning on backing way off in the contact that I have with W as well. As much as I'd like to put some distance between us it really isn't possible due to kid issues. But I am going to be backing WAY off when I can.
Well, time to head off to work. I hope that you have a good day. You are doing some great things for you, your M and your family. Keep it up. Try to remember that this is in God's hands. If you feel like you are going to let loose with another backslide, try this... Stop and count to 10 before you say anything. Then rethink what you were going to say and chose wisely. If you are like me, it may take counting to 20 or 25 to get calmed down. LOL.
Hang in there you can do this...you WILL do this!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Glad to hear from you. You can keep doing it. You got past a tough day and survived. I know it is hard but think about the potential payoff in the end.
Backing way off is the best thing since these WAS's made it clear they want space by walking out. While how they handled it wan't good we do have to realize we DID infact cause some of the problems/stress that got us to where we are. We have tow work on us and this seperation is a great opportunity to do that.
I have come to the realization that I CAN'T control him and what he does. He is burning the candle at both ends and the flames will go out eventually and I hope he comes back to me to help him and rejoin our family.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Well H and I had our first therapy session for S8 today and it went fairly well. She spoke to S8 first alone then to H and I alone and we concentrated on S8 but there were questions from her about US and WHAT happened really. I of course informed her that I was caught totally off guard by H walking out and that whatever problems we had in our M like the financial and the stale feeling because we got so wrapped up in parenting and working that we forgot to take care of each other were fixable but that H simply gave up without trying and has caused major havoc in the lives of 3 people. So yes, a little off the DB train but it still went well. S8 and I are going back next week so she can work on him some more and help him through his trust issues with daddy.
H then came over since it is Thurs. and that is one of his times to come over and we really seem to get along quite well, like really good friends when he is around. He seems to be softening a bit here and there. Isn't ready to come home though. He is still convinced that this new life of his is better than what he gave up. I know though that living with mommy and daddy or slumming off friends couches will get old and the partying lifestyle he thinks he missed in his 20's will also get old. I just hope he realizes he has a home with us regardless of what house the kids and I will be living in.
It took everything in my power not to ask for a hug tonight. He tends to bolt out quickly as if to avoid any possibility of being caught in that situation.
How was you day Bryan?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I can tell you that I totally understand when it comes to wanting a hug from your spouse. A friend of my W's died in a car accident this past week and I gave her a hug when I saw she was tearing up. It wasn't easy for her to do and I got the hint. But I am glad I did it. She needed it and I wanted her to know that it mattered to me that she was hurting. I also could tell that she didn't want it to last very long as she was pulling away almost immediately. Even so, it was a small, short connection.
Today is W's birthday. I have it set up for her to spend time with the kids and for me to be absent. I got her a card and a gift card for Starbucks to help her caffinate through the rest of her final semester before graduation. The card isn't anything mushy and is just signed "Love, Bryan" not ILY.
We had a good couple of phone conversations yesterday and this morning. By that I mean she sounded like she actually WANTED to talk to me not that she HAD to. I still try to be the one who ends the conversation each time. I think I have done that all but one time in the past month. Score one for me....woohoo...LOL.
I have found the more that I take a "hands-off" approach to my W, the more she is willing to talk or be around me. I am here for her and she knows that, but I am butting out. She will eventually figure things out and she doesn't need me telling her what she should do. This is about her, not me. I am getting back into my life and eventually she will decide whether or not she wants to be a part of it. So for now I am feelin' good, lookin' good, and doin' lots of prayin'...LOL.
I hope you have an awesome day Heather. You are making some good moves and in the right direction. Let your H figure things out on his own and you will have him back much quicker than you telling him what he SHOULD do. You are in my prayers.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
