Well, saw my counselor today. Caught her up on all the different things that have happened the past 2 weeks.
Nothing earth shattering, mostly she responded to things that happened and continued to observe that W is consistent in that when things are tough for us, she 'waits for me to make it better' and when it gets uncomfortable enough and it looks like I"m not going to make it better, she runs away. This is who she is.
She was sad to hear about the talk with D17 and reaffirmed that I was not being 'out of control', I was being assertive and FEELING. W was not feeling because she has checked out emotionally.
She also felt that when I'm 'nice' to W it irritates her so she has to lash out by finding something to attack me with, like last nights "I don't want you keeping track of what I do" attack which followed the previous nights 'needyness', where W found herself in the home that she "feels uncomfortable in" with ME, the man she "feels better when she's not around", giving HER emotional support. Since this was something she said she has wanted me to do - be 'aware of her needs - it irritates her when I do it NOW when it's 'too late' because she is 'done'.
Her feelings about the 'two souls' was interesting because she said that it's another rationalization for her to justify leaving. Her opinion is that W loves me and knows that running away from her commitment is wrong, so she has to come up with reasons why either I'm so bad she should flee, or she's got a mission in life that is more important. Especially since inside she knows that I wouldn't give up on her like this. She said that there are some people who will 'switch personalities' so they don't have to feel the feelings that are the consequences of their actions. They aren't multiple personalities per se, they just switch modes when they are stressed out and can't cope.
I asked her about rationalization in this context and she said it's not about 'regret' about making a bad decision, it's about avoiding the consequences of your decisions. Once again, she says, W knows that running away is wrong, but HER 'feeling good' is more important to her that me or the kids feeling good because that has work attached to it.
C said that she was very much in awe of how I've handled things. She said that she knows that I'm a kind and loving man and that the hardest thing for me to do is to do nothing when I see chaos and pain all around me. I told her how I was thinking last night that I have never given up on W. I didn't give up during the issues 2 years ago, the ones in 1998, or any other time. Yet she has given up on me many times. She says she thinks W knows this, and that when I am treating her with decency and kindness it angers her because she knows that I haven't given up on her, and knows that she has given up on me.
She, like me, believes W is going to do what she can to put off moving out right away. But it's anybodys guess. Her opinion is that W does need to go, to find her independence. Also, that she won't 'see' the kind and decent man that I am while she stays here living with me. She'll have to live without me to actually notice, to miss that person. And she has to grow beyond her fear based view of life before she could be in a healthy relationship with me. The 'Frank is scary and might kill us all at night' is irrational. She may never grow out of this though.
One interesting aside about the 'crazy killer story' W told is that C said she never thinks of me as someone who would get angry or hurt enough to harm my kids or W. She said my personality type has too much compassion for them, and that even though I might even consider suicide if I was hurt enough, I wouldn't want to take anyone with me, and that it would be hard for me (it is) because of the legacy I would leave my kids (all true).
She said something interesting that I should do the next time W spews any more irrational ideas about me like the 'crazy frank' stuff. Just say "W, I've heard enough of this stuff. You've lived with me for 20 years and you STILL haven't taken the time to get to know who I really am. If you did you wouldn't be coming up with these insulting descriptions of a person that isn't me."
Basically, she said, hit her with reality from now on. Period. Not by being mean, but by being kind but firm.
C understands that I can't stop the part of me from loving W she suggested I encourage her to move on and pursue her dream, whatever it may be. She insists that I do the opposite of what I might do and insist that W move on. Don't enable her to stay where she is because then she can play the emotional games with other men while still living with the 'safety net' she has with me, and end up hurting me, the kids, everyone.
She suggested that when W and I talk to D12 this saturday that W commit to moving out in June.
And she said once again that God and the world need me to be using my gifts again, and I've been missing for way too long. Her final suggestion is that I learn the St. Francis Peace Prayer:
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred let me sow love, Where there is injury let me sow pardon, Where there is doubt let me sow faith, Where there is despair let me give hope, Where there is darkness let me give light, Where there is sadness let me give joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not try to be comforted but to comfort, Not try to be understood but to understand, Not try to be loved but to love. Because it is in giving that we receive, It is in forgiving that we are forgiven, And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
