CONTACTING OW/OW'S HUSBAND

[Snow White]

Thanks for the cyber-squeeze. It all helps so much.

Here's a question. Part of my frenetic feelings and what's behind confronting my H is the fact that I am having a great deal of difficulty with the lies. I just want them to stop, so I want to do something to make them stop. I can't get this out of my head. It's as if I am somehow condoning the behavior if I don't do something about stopping it. It's partially a matter of self-respect. How long do I let him go on like this while he is very well aware of how much he is hurting me? I know it sounds as if it's all about me, but right now, I'm starting to feel like I have to make it about me or I am going to lose myself completely.

It is hard to believe that someone other than me wrote this because this is exactly how I feel, I am self destructing on a daily basis around lies and likely pushing my marriage to the brink. As I mentioned these texts in FL, we came home a happier couple than when we left, I knew that he was doing it, I could tell by the phone use but I said nothing so we could have fun, but once we got home something took over me, most of the days there were only 3 or 4. Since I went to my parents house with my daughter last night there has been at least 100 sent from my husband to myself - I am replying. I just cannot stand that he can even give this person a second of his time on our family vacation and I know I am ruining things. I am sorry if this is taking over your thread but I just wanted to point out that I think a lot of people react the same way you are. I need to do something.

[GoingForward]

Kiki and Neecy,

Check out "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley P. Glass. It was recommended to me by another DBer just yesterday, and I'm already finding it to be VERY helpful and informative towards (as the book states) "Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity". It discusses things such as obsessive and intrusive thoughts that both partners endure and gives ways to cope with them. I'm not done reading yet, but as I said, so far it's really wonderful.

Take care.

[Rob1231]

Rob1231,
I don't think that I understand piecing but does it mean that you've made it through to another level where you and your S are working at continuing you M?

Hi kikidee,

Yep, that's what most of us on the DB boards usually refer to as "Piecing." The worst of the crisis is over, the walk-away spouse is either recommitted or at least moving steadily in that direction, and the DBer has come to the realization "Shucks, there is still a lot of work to do in order to rebuild my marriage into a strong, healthy, lasting relationship."

But honestly, don't sweat it - which of the boards you post on isn't nearly as important as what you post and what you do with the responses you get.

You are right that it is all happening so fast. I don't even know which way is up right now. If it weren't for not being able to leave work right now, I would have taken the kids somewhere far, far away for a bit to try to reconnect with them and my own inner self.

I know how you feel - that phase where it feels like things are spinning wildly out of your control is scary. But, don't feel like you have to make a huge, dramatic gesture like taking the kids away for a week. Give yourself permission to take this in much smaller steps - baby steps. Set an easy goal - even if it is just "I will find a way to spend five minutes of quality time with the kids today, connecting with them for just that long and forgetting about the craziness in my M." Work on that until you succeed - and then rejoice in that little victory, and do it again. When you are ready, make it 10 minutes a day. And go easy on yourself if you have a day when you can't manage it at all - that happens too, and it's OK.

So when you say, try to slow things down... please give me your thoughts on this. You sound like you're in a much more rational state of mind than I am.

Here's the deal. Your H (and my W, once upon a time, and lots of other WAS's in the sitches here) is going to tell you that everything in your life is on a fast train to the Big D. They will say that they are 100% sure of their actions, that there is no hope at all, and that it's best for everyone to just get it all over with as quickly as possible. And they will actually expect you to respond with "Oh, gee, honey, now that you've explained it so simply to me, I'll be happy to go along with this idiotic plan of yours! Thanks!"

There are a couple of problems here. First, I have NEVER seen a sitch where the WAS was as certain of their direction as they portrayed themselves. Often, they are struggling with a MLC - meaning they are wandering in a fog of hurt, confusion and depression. They do NOT know what they want - they just have this hopeless feeling that "but it sure isn't THIS." However, they are scared to admit to themselves that they are lost - and they SURE are not going to admit that to us!

Second, even if a D is where things will end up - it's going to take a lot longer than they imagine. And every day that it drags out is a day that you can keep DBing, working on your PMA, Getting A Life, and hoping they will shake off their craziness and get back to normal.

So what's your strategy? Don't help with their plan. If they want to split up - make them do all the tough work involved in that. If they want to get a D - make them file. Put all of the painful, time-consuming, tough-to-do stuff right on their shoulders, which is frankly where it belongs. Have an attitude of "I'm not going to stop you, but I'm sure as heck not going to help you do this either." As often as not, you will find that a depressed person hasn't got much energy for making the divorce happen.

And that gives you TIME. One of my favorite sayings about DBing is "Time and Patience are your new best friends." Use them!

Hope that helps!
Rob

[Zebra]

All my treads are very old. I know some are gone forever, lost in a computer snafu years ago. Most of the people I knew here are gone. I still keep in touch with some off board, and I still come back from time to time to help if I can but mostly when I need a PMA adjustment.

Briefly, W dropped the bomb while involved in a torrid PA. She never left, but moved to the guest room for effectively an in-house separation. That was very hard. She emotionally left and was planning happily ever after with OM. She completely left emotionally, the marriage was over to her. She hired a lawyer and "began the process". I did all the wrong things, I begged, I tried to control, nearly drove her completely away. I came here and got lots of good help, and eventually busted the divorce. It was not easy. It is the hardest thing I ever did in my life.



z

Here is some ancient history...
Bring the affair to the light of day?

She's hired a lawyer, say I need one too.

WAW agreed to try to reconcile...

She said she'll try to work on the marriage

It's time to start dating again

[runningoutoftime]

Lots of great advice here from all these wise DBers!!!!

Read it over and over.... even copy some of it out on a piece of paper, or on the empty pages of a day planner, and carry it around so you can commit it to memory... and reread when you need a mental boost. I remember when I was traveling the huge ups and downs on "my roller coaster" I would just read and reread positive things throughout the day and concentrate on thinking positive (in spite of wanting to fling myself down a hole and never come out!). And it really did help. And still helps!!!

Hang in there!

You cannot control anyone else. Don't even waste your time... you can only work on yourself.

[kikidee]

I am feeling much more in control today. After having spoken with my H yesterday and saying a couple of things to help him see reality, I am hoping that we can at least be civil with each other. I let him know that although boundaries I've had my entire life have been pushed much beyond their limits, I have 2 which are still immovable. Respect and truth. We have planned to meet in 2 days. If he is honest then, I will be able to move forward with him. If he is not, I know that he is not capable of meeting my stripped-down needs and I have to continue to focus on myself and leave the hope and the marriage to the side. I am interested in a new beginning for us. I would like to find our friendship again. If nothing else, we are parents to our kids for the rest of our lives. I know I can't live this way any longer and slowly I see that there is a way to get through it. It is so impossible to see while in the midst of it - but I feel now that it is possible to have a life outside of this turmoil.. Thank you to all who have said this from the beginning. I am now able to see the possibility.

My H told me that he has a phone counsel meeting this evening. I told him I thought that was a good idea. I just hope that whoever he speaks with knows what he/she is doing. We have used the Employee Assistance Program through my H's work before and it has been useless. I just hope it doesn't do more harm and that my H will be able to recognize a useless therapist if he meets with one.

I still have hopes that my H and I will be able to make our M work. I have been interested in seeking help since we left our last therapist. Through my research, I have found 2 possibilities. One is a promising looking couples therapist (as much as I'm very scared about going to one after what happened last time). The other is Retrouvaille. Has anyone had any experience with this program? I am a fallen catholic and my H is not particularly spiritual or churchy. It sounds like it's ecumenical and not too scary. This, of course, is likely too soon to be thinking about anything like this but if my H indicates that he wants to do something and asks for my input, I'd like to give him the options that I know of. Any thoughts would be helpful.

Again, thank you so much for all of your positive thoughts. It has most definitely helped me get back to a better state of mind...one which feels much more true to who I am.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

[Bewildered]

Sorry to hijack this thread, but Zebra, I read your old threads as I found they are very similar to what I'm going through with my wife. I am approximately where you were when she agreed to the first three months. So what ever happened? Are you still together? Does it really ever get better? <Get ready for the personal questions> Did you ever have sex with her again? How long did that take? Was it hard for you to be intimate with her again knowing she had been intimate with another man? Did you have a hard time getting past the thoughts of "I wonder if she did this with him" or "I wonder if he was better than me". Sorry if this dredges up old memories, just wondering if I have the strength to do this!!!!

[Zebra]

Bewildered,

You read 'em ALL??? You must be desparate

Before I answer you, please accept some advice about using this board. I noticed you have started 4 threads in the past 21 days. If you spread your story and questions all over the board, you will never get cohesive answers. You've gotten some great responses from some real masters, so I suggest that you pick one of your threads and make it your "Home". Then, post a message on the others to let the folks where you are so they can keep up with your sitch. Eventually, the board will lock that thread and you'll have to move on to another anyway.

I will answer your questions on your thread --
Well, I contronted her with what I know... , which seems to be the most appropriate to where you are right now.

z

[Zebra]

kiki,

Wazzup? How's it going now?

I'm a little concerned that you feel you have regained some control. Boundaries are good to set and communicate, but they are not control, but just clear communication. That's also important.

Let us know how things go with counsel and talks with H. As you say, focus on you and leave hope and the marriage to the side. Look for small signs of progress.

z

[kikidee]

I'm surprised that you are concerned about me feeling as though I have regained some control. I feel as though it's a good thing. It's a lot easier to get through the days this way. To be clear, I don't feel as though I am in much control of anything other than my own state of mind. I am trying to take more control of my own and my kids' situation - not my H or my M. He and I are having a talk tomorrow and I want him to know that I am in control - of me - and not just waiting around for him to make a decision. I know and am starting to accept that he is only capable of making decisions about his own future and not that of the kids or me, except in that he can choose to be a part of our future or not. I don't see the fact that he has agreed to talk as a sign of progress, since it has been asked for (by me) and suggested (by the friend with whom he is staying). I don't know what I expect from tomorrow. I am trying to think of all possibilities and how I might react, in order to keep myself from losing control and reacting adversely to what he says. I am getting nervous but still feel, while it's more than a day away that I am in a calmer state of mind, which will serve me well.

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

K