Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Need to get my mind off my current dilemma (whether or not to say anything to H about moving back in). I certainly do not want him to feel "pressure" in any way, yet I feel conflicted with this because I also don't want to just let it go. I "set a rule", and I feel as though I have to follow through with it. Ugh. This weather doesn't help much either. Very gloomy and rainy today.


More notes:

Ambivalence in the Betrayed Partner

* Oftentimes, the ambivalence of unfaithful partners is so hurtful and confusing that injured partners react with their own ambivalence, vacillating between a desperate wish to stay and save the M and the wish to leave and save themselves from further harm.

* It's important to stay centered while your partner is bouncing off the walls.

* Take hope if the pendulum seems to be swinging closer and closer to you.

* Don't push your partner away or try to pull your partner in.

* Sink your feet firmly in the ground and declare your commitment to work on the M alongside your partner, as long as your partner is willing to meet you halfway.

* .... look for behavioral signs of progress, such as increasing honesty and consideration.


Damage Control for Both Partners

* As a betrayed partner, you should make it clear what you will and will not tolerate.

* Don't go berserk when these expectations are violated. Instead, talk about how you feel and give a realistic deadline of a few months' time for making a firm commitment.

* (Unfaithful partner) Further deception during this time of ambivalence may drive away your partner forever.

* A remarkable thing happens when you are honest with each other, even if it is about your ambivalence. You feel closer because taking down walls and opening windows results in greater intimacy.

* As long as you are ambivalent, there is still hope, because you haven't yet made a definite decision.

* Early decision making revolves around whether to stick with efforts to work through the situation, whereas later decision making involves whether to leave the M once and for all. The first decision you need to make is whether you can commit to working on the M.

* It is important that you make an active rather than passive decision to stay and work on the M.

* The worst resolution is a stable triangle. When involved partners stay on an eternal fence, ultimatums given by the S or lover move them from one side to the other. They cajole, seduce, and deceive both partners in order to have their cake and eat it too. The S and the lover help to maintain the stable triangle by making compromises and accepting whatever crumbs are thrown their way.

* (Unfaithful partner) Guilt or duty: Would you be staying out of a sense of guilt or duty?....Your obligation should be to enhance your marital R so that good comes out of suffering.

* For the children:....Don't dedicate yourself to a life of misery. If you're staying only because of the children, then start connecting with your S through family activities but don't let that be the end point. Ultimately, your children will benefit from parents who show them how to be a loving couple.

* A new perspective:....compassion and sensitivity that may have been taken for granted before can now be seen as a strong reason not to leave.

* Repair work:...Fix it up first and you'll have a better idea of how the finished product suits you.

* Strength or weakness: Don't stay because you are too weak to end it and too afraid to be on your own....Stay because you are independent enough to take care of yourself while your partner isn't able to be there for you....Leave because you've done everything possible for many months and there's absolutely no sign of progress.

* Reality check:...Rs that began through betrayal and broken trust often end up having their own problems with trust.

* A constructive separation can create a period of stability and calm for thinking through the complex issues involved. It can strengthen individual boundaries, enhance self-respect, provide psychological as well as physical distance, and help people discover their degree of voluntary commitment to the M.

* The problem with separating at this point is that trust issues tend to increase when the couple is apart and strain the M even further.

* The involved partner who can't promise to be faithful must promise to be honest....The injured partner will be even more bitter and angry when he/she learns of additional deception.

* A M that has endured an A is like a cracked vase: When the crack is repaired, the superglue makes it stronger than before, but you will always be able to see evidence of the crack.

* The heart of ambivalence for the betrayed partner is Can I ever trust you again? For both partners, it is Will we ever have what we had before?....a crucial goal in recovery is to restore trust...[however] the second question is the wrong question.....[goal is] to be stronger, individually and together, without the vulnerabilities that created the conditions for the A in the first place.

* A crisis of uncertainty often provides fertile ground for new growth and development.

* Look for progress from week to week instead of from moment to moment...Let things play out.