Karen, Hope you're feeling better tonight. Finding out who the OW was, and that you knew her, and H lied about who it was, was certainly a shock. But I can so sympathize because looking back I think I was more p!ssed off at the lies my H continued to spew than the A!
Each of us has our own limitations, we can only take so much. Sometimes we have to let it out! Perhaps it wasn't the right thing to do (remember the 48 hour rule) but you've been trying to be more independent and by contacting OW, you did just that. Sometimes it feels like we're so out of control, and there's absolutely nothing we can do about what's happening to our lives, our M, our spouses, etc.
You mentioned before that your H was a control freak. He certainly thinks he is in control of this entire sitch, and making a beeline to get what he thinks he wants (D). I think it's good to let him see your anger. He probably just expected you to roll over and give in. He seems to be walking all over you.
No one can tell what emailing the OW will do. It certainly will rock the boat, but in which direction, who knows. Perhaps it will cause choppy waters between H and OW, too. I'm sure H will be p!ssed off. If he confronts you about it, I'd be prepared what your response will be and how you will act.
I'd be firm, but definitely calm. I'm sure others will help out with that one.
