Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

H was gone most of the weekend with the guards. I did a bunch of relaxing stuff, had a few "feeling sorry for myself" moments, too. He came home yesterday afternoon after what sounded like a pretty tough weekend ....

Good things to feel happy about:
1. H seemed happy and enthusiastic about spending time with me last night...said he missed me, thought about me, etc

2. Since h was going to be gone on my bday, he hid not one but 2 cards for me! Super thoughtful!

3. I visited sis and her baby sat night -- her boyfriend made a wonderful meal -- it was lovely to be there, to be thought of, to be tended to, to be loved.

*********************
I've been so up and down of late. A few weeks ago -- feeling confident and strong -- last week feeling so scared and hurt. This weekend was no different -- one minute, feeling secure in myself -- the next, crying at an odd moment because I just feel so sad, still, so scared, so lost. In some ways, I miss my "old life" -- not the part of the m. that stunk or the part where I hurt h but the part (of course) that didn't feel devastated by the a by the specter of the ow. I actually worried myself a bit this weekend -- I was SO down, feeling so unenergetic, so, so, sad. I can't figure out what the outlet for this should be...is it ok to still be crying after all of these months? or is it a sign that something else is still wrong? silly question, I suppose...of course it's ok.

Once again, I was mired in thoughts of the past and worries about the future. Anger and sadness over the a -- the lies, the sheer crappiness of what has happened. THEN, worries about the future -- that things haven't changed, that I cannot be a satisfying w. to my h., that my m. will never reflect the things that I hold so dear, etc.

THEN, a flash of insight....

I do not see how I can create a life (and m.) that contains honesty and passion and love and happiness and gratitude and courage and forgiveness and joy...unless I am living those things.

If I want honesty in my m. and life, I must be living honestly. If I want passion, I must be living passionately. If I want happiness and joy, I must be living happily and with joy.

You get the point.

Instead of courage, I've been living in fear. Instead of optimism, I've been living with doubt. How can my marriage be based on trust if I am untrusting?

I know that this isn't a canned solution -- I'm not fooling myself into thinking that it's all up from here -- and I'm not intending to push the sadness away if it is there -- or to beat myself up for it. I just don't have to LIVE it, I don't have to DEFINE myself as it, I don't have to let it permeate my life and my m. each day.

I can live with honesty and joy and passion and love and gratitude and enthusiasm and confidence and ....

I need to radiate the things that I want in my life and they will come back to me. How can I expect joy if I cannot give it?

Sage