I am a regular poster on the infidelity board, and I am looking for advice. I am beginning the process of interviewing divorce attorneys; however, I don't know what questions to ask during the selection process. I have never been in this situation before (hope to never be again, btw).
My wife has spoken to an attorney who has advised her. She would like to go the mediation route using this lawyer. Unfortunately, mediation is largely based upon trust, and I don't trust my wife at all. I suspect that she is hiding money in a secret bank account. Mind you, I would prefer mediation. I just don't see it going that way.
What kind of questions should I ask? What am I looking for?
It's as simple as that. You need to feel comfortable with them and that is achieved in the way that they sell/present themselves. 'Interview' 5 of them. If you instantly like one, go with them. If you don't like any of them, interview more of them. Look for the 'getting along chemistry' and of course if they have a good reputation, all the better.
If you suspect that she is hiding money, unless we're talking HUGE sums, just let it go. Don't even think about it. The cost to reveal it and split it just isn't worth the heartache and a quick read through your sitch tells me that you've gotten plenty already.
Honestly, making an issue of her hidden loot is just gonna cost you more in terms of cash, toll on health etc.
If she's wanting to go mediation, go along with it. Your goal is to get out of this unscathed so that you can rejoin the real world as soon as is humanly possible.
Rather than me listing the links, go to Google and search "selecting a divorce attorney". The sites also cover mediation. They list many of the questions to ask.
A quick trip to the book store will also yield books that you can copy down questions from.
Take the questions with you when you interview the attorney.
Most important: Go with someone who does divorce for a living. My lawyer does nothing but. My stbxW picked a general lawyer and we had to correct many of his mistakes (and of course I came out way ahead). Those who do nothing but divorce know the latest laws and more importantly they know the judges and how they may rule.
Is custody an issue? Then ENSURE that your lawyer has mucho experience there. And be prepared to pay for it.
Never agree to mediation with a lawyer who already advised your W. Mediation should be independent. Have your lawyer explain to you the advantages/disadvantages of mediation, knowing going in that lawyers make more money going to trial. In some states you have to mediate. But don't agree to mediate until you talk to a lawyer. Even if you mediate you still want to have a lawyer to get advice when needed.
Fully understand the retainer and the hourly fees. Most good lawyers will charge even for the initial consult (half their hourly rate where I live) so do ask around before you spend a lot on random interviewing. Ask what an average trial costs. Ask how many of their clients settle before trial. Ask about the custody issues and their impacts on costs.
Yes, finding someone you 'like' is good but that should not be your only criteria. Better to find the best lawyer you can afford to protect yourself, especially if W is hiding things. I saved much more in my financial settlement than my lawyer cost. Hire a top gun - it is worth it. Ask around for recommendations.
Another good resource: the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. They have a good website loaded with info - and their parenting plan is the standard.
The name of the game is to protect yourself. This is business. Don't rush to settlement - you have to live with this agreement the rest of your days. Don't sign things just to move on quickly or to give her what she wants hoping she will reconsider.
You don't trust her? Good. That is the attitude that will protect you and your future.
BTW, my first meeting was with a good attorney. He does a lot of family law, most of it involving custody. He is a part-time lawyer... and part-time judge. Young, energetic... the right guy for me.
Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. With the input you gave me, I assembled a list of questions, all of which were answered to my satisfaction.
Never agree to mediation with a lawyer who already advised your W.
Help me understand why should I not do this. The attorney I spoke to suggested that this is indeed an option for me. He told me that I would be OK if I hammered out an agreement with her attorney, then bring it to him, and pay him to review it. Then take his suggestions back to her lawyer, and go back and forth that way. It would be much cheaper than a battle royale.
I was told that in my state a lawyer cannot represent one party and be a mediator at the same time due to conflict of interest. Mediation is to broker a fair deal - hard to see how that can happen if he represents one side. Also, mediation is to avoid the back-and-forth stuff which drives up the cost. Ideally, the whole deal shoud be hammered out and then you bring it to your lawyer for a final okay.
Or so I have been told; I did not use madiation.
Here an independent mediator is selected and each party pays half, thus no conflict. Each party has their own separate lawyer to fall back on.
But again, I would go with what your lawyer says. That is why you hired him.
Good luck. I understand that mediation is sometimes more stressful than using the lawyers as go-betweens.
Thanks, Jeff. His hourly rate is only $150, so I think we will go with this option. She has not yet "formally" approached me to begin the discussions (nor have I been served). It's been all sabre-rattling ("I can't stand living with you" "I want a divorce") since May 2007. She's afraid. Very afraid...
Obviously not db advice, just my own personal experience...do not let attorneys hold money (eg, proceeds from sale of house) in escrow, get all your financial agreements between you and your attorney in writing.
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/21/0809:40 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
