Quote: I realized yesterday that I'm starting to feel angry. Up til now, most of my feelings have been centered around fear and sadness –
You can’t run from what’s natural, it will catch up with you eventually. Don’t you think that you have valid enough reasons for feeling anger? As I’ve told you in the past, you are going to have to let that emotion have it’s day in the sun or face the dragon’s tail when it comes back on you.
Quote: Again, I'm mad at myself –
Tut, tut, tut. I’m going to chime in with the rest of the folks here – “Cut yourself some slack!”
Quote: I guess what I'm saying is that there's a part of me that wonders if I sent him the message that an a is "ok" in some shape or form by virtue of the way that I handled things
In my opinion, for what it’s worth, I think as our situations morph, so must our method of operation. Initially, putting our needs and feelings to the side and focusing totally on the direction in which we allow our energies to flow, is a necessary part of the process. It is a daunting, exhausting task that we go through everyday in order to create the vacuum effect needed to draw our wandering spouse back. So naturally, it's difficult and scary to let go of the rigid particulars of that practice. However, I really believe that when you finally walk out of the house of horrors, you must begin to bring your needs and feelings back into the room. What good is it to have your marriage in tact if you’re not there to enjoy it?
Quote: A few times over the last week, for the first time really, h has made some comments about being "a mean man" or obliquely referenced what happened -- both times I made some comment that brushed it aside. I'm not saying I should have taken him to task or lambasted him -- maybe he was even trying to start a conversation? Anyway, I just smiled and blew off his comments for fear of adding to his guilt or whatever. I didn't mean it to be controlling but how is NOT validating his bad feelings helpful? ugh.
Gads, sweetie pie! Maybe he needs to get that crappy stuff out into the open and needs to know that you hear him and that his words have weight. In denying your feelings about this stuff, you are denying his too.
Quote: I guess what I'm saying is that there's a part of me that wonders if I sent him the message that an a is "ok" in some shape or form by virtue of the way that I handled things.
Going back to what I said before, it’s a matter of morphing. You did the thing that worked after the bomb blew up. You did what you had to do. You’re in new terrain now. Again, this is just my opinion, I think that you { this includes 'we'} need to make small, reasonable lines in the sand as the relationship strengthens. Otherwise, perhaps the message of “I’ll tolerate anything, indefinitely” will be perceived by your H. I’m not saying to make ultimatums or toss away the DB principles, just let your H take some responsibility for his past and present behavior in regard to OW. Show him some respect and tenderness toward your own needs and feelings.
Quote: Can you tell that I'm tired and spent?
As you already know from my thread, I’m right there with you.
