I'll join the chorus in telling you that I'm having some of the same issues myself.
I don't kow how often CJ is reading the bb, but I too have to get over the self censorship. After all this is our forum, our support. If we cannot be honest about our feelings here.....The way I'm starting to look at it is if he IS checking out my thread, perhaps what I feel reluctant to bring up face to face will at least reach him somehow.
I too have thoughts of OW still being in the picture, of me being "stronger" this time and ending it, putting my foot down etc.
I think that part of it is the let-down (for me) of things going "back to usual". Now, for me, this is not enough. I too wonder if it was "too easy" for CJ to "get away" with what he did.
I suppose the moral here is that this is a seemingly normal part of this whole process. The "what ifs? do arise. Would I actually be happier now if I had kicked him out? Not sure, not likely, but who knows?
I guess we just have to let go of the what ifs and take it from here, as you seem to be doing very well.
