Do you know that you are one of my heroes, my inspirations? I love your introspective ramblings, and feel so many of the same things - albeit, I'm far behind you in this whole A-recovery process.
Quoting sage: So, what am I pissed about? where to start? well, I've been realizing of late that pretty much every element of my life has suffered in deference to my m. and the sitch for the last year. Now, that was my OWN doing -- h never asked me to put aside all of those things -- in fact, he'd probably say that it was a big mistake TO ignore them and he'd be right -- but like it or not, I've put so much on the back burner and devoted all of my thoughts, energy, etc. to trying to figure out my m. So, now I look around and realize that I've left myself w/o ANY other support systems! I take no pride from my work anymore because I can barely concentrate, I spend hardly any time on my volunteer job, have distanced myself from my family and friends -- partly because I didn't feel as though I could be with them since I didn't want to share what was going on -- and partly because I thought that I needed to be HOME to, I don't know, keep ow from being around or something. stupid, stupid, stupid
I'm going through the same things now: can't concentrate at work (hey, I'm supposed to be writing a business proposal right now), haven't spent nearly enough time with or energy on my kids, and have been making excuses to get out of playing tennis and golf (both of which I love) to spend more time at home (partly to work on the M, partly, truth be told, to make sure that she isn't contacting the OG). While in crisis mode, you made your 1st priority your only priority. Totally reasonable. In the realm of self-destructive behavior, there are far worse crimes than that. You've gotta cut yourself a break.
Quote: I feel like I've stopped knowing how to be me with him...my own fault -- I'm really not applying blame! And, isn't he unable to be himself with ME? Why would he need to lie otherwise? why would he need to have an a? I want to have an honest, loving marriage that feels positive for both of us. I want my marriage to be built on the foundations of trust and fidelity. I see us sometimes locked in a cycle that seems to just not lead to those things...I'm not sure I know how to be the person that he feels as though he can open up to. I'm not sure I know how to inspire his honesty or intimacy. I'm not sure I know how to encourage him to face whatever fears he has.
This, too, is me. My worries beyond the present (getting my W to totally give up the OG and recommit) have to do with really being able to meet my W's emotional needs. It's kind of funny. I've always thought of her as the expressive one. She's constantly on the phone, loves talking to people. And I'm the one who'd rather let the machine take a message most of the time. But, when the talk gets serious, I'm the one who is more willing to share, to express doubts and fears, to open myself up. And she has found it difficult to do that with me (one of the primary factors for the A, I now think), not that I've particularly encouraged that in the past.
For me, the A has certainly stilted that sort of discussion for the foreseeable future. It's hard to have any sort of serious discussion, even on topics totally unrelated to the A. We're both kind of walking on eggshells these days. But when we can move on past this, I still wonder about whether my W will be able to open up to me. Am I too critical? Unhelpful? A bad listener? Do I act uninterested or maybe as if I'm too intellectual?
Anyway, recognize how well you have done, largely because of all of your efforts. Do you see it? I often read your posts. Most of the time I end up thinking, "Man, she should just relax and cut herself a break".
That said, I know that's hard to do. I obsess about this stuff every day. Maybe one of these days I'll try to take my own advice!
