Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

I've come right out and said it a few times and actually in c appointment the other night I used the word..petrified...but what are we so afraid of?? we know that we can and will be ok no matter what happens so why are we allowing our "fear" to rob us of the new found pleasure in our r's???

I think I'm afraid of a bunch of things -- of messing up, of being happy -- really and truly happy, ecstatic, delirious -- in the m. only to find out that it's a joke, a ruse, built on lies. I'm afraid of having my heart broken (even tho' I DO know that I would be ok), of hurting my h. without knowing it. I'm afraid of believing something that isn't true, of being laughed at, lied to. I'm afraid of losing what I love, who I love. I'm afraid of letting myself love for fear of losing!

I'm ready to tackle this hurdle..let's come up with a plan of action.

COOL! Where do we start????

Right now, I'm just trying to "sit" with it -- when I feel sad or scared I try to breathe deeply and actually REALLY feel it.

Acting "as if" I'm not scared helps, too.

Journalling the good things to counteract the mental images...

Sage

[sage]

Good stuff from yesterday:

1. H. continues to be a dynamo around the house -- painting, yard work, new projects, finishing up old ones too.

2. When I expressed appreciation for everything that he's doing at home, he told me "that makes me feel good" -- letting me know that really helps!

3. H. asked me if I had any "work stories" -- cool that he's interested!

I had C. and left feeling really good -- not because it was all sweetness and light but because we kind of got somewhere in terms of figuring out some stuff. I hate c. I hate going. Despite that, I think I may actually make some progress so I'm gonna trudge through a bit.

What didn't go well:
H and I had our first real fight (non-R related) in a LONG time. Like, a REALLY long time....in some ways, it felt like progress (to actually be arguing about something fairly mundane instead of the R.) -- but -- it mainly felt crappy. We went to bed mad.

H. called this morning though which I really appreciated. He let me know that he thought I hadn't been really listening to what he was saying last night -- that I had expounded his words to reach a different conclusion. Being honest with myself, I'd have to say that was true. It was HARD for me to really hear what he was saying because of the WAY that he was saying it and how I mentally reacted to it -- his words "well, that'll be your responsibility" brought me back to the place where I felt like I was responsible for EVERYTHING. When I called him on that, he softened his words a bit and then got mad at me when I didn't completely let the thought go (go figure).

I guess what bummed me out the most was the feeling after. I worried that the fight would remind him of how things felt for him pre-a "you were so angry" he said once. I wasn't particularly pissed off this time but I was concerned that he wouldn't get it....arrgh. Welcome to Piecing.

I have to listen, listen, listen when the going gets tough. I'm doing ok on a day to day basis but I really struggle when a hot button gets hit.

Sage

[lostlove]

I think I'm afraid of a bunch of things -- of messing up, of being happy -- really and truly happy, ecstatic, delirious -- in the m. only to find out that it's a joke, a ruse, built on lies. I'm afraid of having my heart broken (even tho' I DO know that I would be ok), of hurting my h. without knowing it. I'm afraid of believing something that isn't true, of being laughed at, lied to. I'm afraid of losing what I love, who I love. I'm afraid of letting myself love for fear of losing!

maybe we can just tell ourselves over and over again that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...sure right now we love but it is a gaurded love...so then are we really loving?

COOL! Where do we start????

letting go of false expectations is a start...I think we're doing that in pointing out the positives.

Right now, I'm just trying to "sit" with it -- when I feel sad or scared I try to breathe deeply and actually REALLY feel it.

in "sit" with it, what exactly does that mean? are you sitting and preparing yourself for the neg scenario to unfold?? perhaps that may just end us up with a self fulfiling profecy all over again. if "sit" with it means to accept the fear then perhaps that is good...but we must move beyond it. right?

I did post this story on one of my threads it did help me..though it occured before my h came home..

on sunday after comming home from a mini vaca with in-laws..I arrived home to find h had not been by to mow the lawn..and as a matter of fact wasn't even there yet!! grrrr!...anyway I didn't want to be home when he arrived (was not in a good db mood and acting as if would be out of the question) mil being the good sport that she was let me take off for a bit used the excuse to get milk, she stayed with the kids...anyway back to the point...

I was at the little store in the center of town...sat outside at the picknick tables and an older couple joined me...their motorcycles parked nearby...the woman was wearing a t-shirt.."student rider" it read on the back...she had been a rider many years before but had a bad accident..bruised every part of her body..nothing broken just bruised (kinda like us..not broken by what's happen but the pain of bruises is intense) she had stoped riding after the accident...but as her grandchildren (she really wasn't that old) were learning to ride their bicycles and she'd tell them to get back up and try again when they'd fall...she realized that she wasn't listening to herself...she fell...but didn't bother to get back up and ride again...so she made herself a t-shirt..."student rider" (on the back so you could read it while she rode) and back on the bike she got and faced her fear.

I told this story to h one night when I was feeling a bit afraid to get back on that bike...bruises are not as bad as broken bones but damn they sure hurt.

I think it's time we got back on that bike and let the wind blow through our hair...enjoy what we've been given and remind ourselves everyday...nothing ventured nothing gained. we have little to loose by allowing ourselves to love and love fully...and a lot to loose if we give in and let our fears keep us from enjoying our lives.

LL (now if I could stick to thinking that way life would be grand!)

[sage]

Forgot one other thing about the argument yesterday that is good info for me moving forward...

I think h. was particularly pissed because my "inference" of his words actually implied a much "meaner" stance on his part then he intended. In other words, I ASSumed that he meant something that painted him in a bad light -- kind of not giving him credit for wanting to solve the problem in a kinder, gentler way.

So....stop inferring, stop assuming the worst, LISTEN to what he's saying, keep emotional hotbuttons in check and don't REACT (ACT instead).

So much to learn....

Sage

[sage]

maybe we can just tell ourselves over and over again that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...sure right now we love but it is a gaurded love...so then are we really loving?

EXACTLY! It's the guardedness that's holding things back! But the fear of throwing off the training wheels...ohlala!

I realized in C. last night that I have NEVER loved without fear or reservation. I know my h. has felt that and I'm so sorry for it....

in "sit" with it, what exactly does that mean? are you sitting and preparing yourself for the neg scenario to unfold?? perhaps that may just end us up with a self fulfiling profecy all over again. if "sit" with it means to accept the fear then perhaps that is good...but we must move beyond it. right?

I mean "sit" with it in a meditative sense -- NOT in what I used to do which was get involved in some elaborate mental fantasy about all the crappy things that could be going wrong. That's just BAD stuff for me!

When I'm "sitting" with the feeling I just close my eyes (unless I'm driving! ) and just FEEL it -- I don't expound on it -- I just feel it through my body...what I've found is a couple of things...if I let it happen, it washes over me and goes away AND sometimes what I THINK I'm feeling isn't REALLY what's going on at all...sometimes fear is really masking sadness, whatever.

Mind you , I'm not sitting around letting feelings wash over me all the time... I only make a conscious effort when the feeling is particularly intense.

] I told this story to h one night when I was feeling a bit afraid to get back on that bike...bruises are not as bad as broken bones but damn they sure hurt.

I think it's time we got back on that bike and let the wind blow through our hair...enjoy what we've been given and remind ourselves everyday...nothing ventured nothing gained. we have little to loose by allowing ourselves to love and love fully...and a lot to loose if we give in and let our fears keep us from enjoying our lives.

I love it!!!

I wonder if my h. is as scared as I am????

Sage

[sage]

Good stuff from yesterday --

1. h and I went to a new place for drinks and dinner. Was ok -- probably not worth the $ -- but it was fun to get out, awesome to go on a date and h was enthusiastic about trying something new (as was I!)

2. I'm just gonna cut and paste this from now on h continues his home depot-esque progress thru the house...painting, cleaning, etc. something new every day!

3. I brought up the disagreement that we had had the night before and we had a really good, calm, discussion where we each explained a bit more about what we were trying to articulate. This is GOOD stuff for a few reasons....I brought it up because it was important to me, we were both calm and responsive, etc. This is an important step I think.

I told h. that the thing that bugged me about the argument was how he had put the onus on ME to solve the problem....he told me that that was a conscious decision -- that in his mind, I cared LESS about solving the problem and that therefore it made SENSE to him that the person who cared less, if made responsible, would HAVE to care and participate in the solution...what an interesting window into h's thought process!

I asked him what if I wasn't "good" at solving the particular problem -- didn't it make sense to give the burden to the person who was BETTER at it? He said that people tend to focus on their strengths and shy away from improving their weaknesses.

he also said (earlier in the conversation) that sometimes the thing to do to solve a problem is the EXACT opposite of what you think you SHOULD do -- a 180!!!

So...it was a very interesting conversation ... I wonder what h would recommend that I do to get what I want...

A loving, committed, faithful, happy m. for both of us.

What would he say my 180 should be? what would he advise ME????

Sage

[sage]

A good thread for inspiration in letting go...and appreciating what we have today:

tbone's thread

[sage]

Been struggling for the last 24 hours about posting...why? well, I think I've mentioned before that I think h. sometimes reads my thread....that's put a constraint on me that I normally work around ok...but stuff that's on my mind now is hard to write and may be hard for him to hear. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that good stuff that's been going on -- the progress that we've made -- OTOH, I'm feeling irritated that I don't feel like I can vent here -- if not here, then where?

So, hon, if you are reading this...well, you can stop now or ....

I realized yesterday that I'm starting to feel angry. Up til now, most of my feelings have been centered around fear and sadness -- the bulk of the anger that I've felt has been towards the ow (nice, safe place to put it). I don't think that my anger NOW is appropriate or inappropriate -- not "classifiable" actually. I also don't think that I'll get mired in it for too long. In some ways it's refreshing to feel.

So, what am I pissed about? where to start? well, I've been realizing of late that pretty much every element of my life has suffered in deference to my m. and the sitch for the last year. Now, that was my OWN doing -- h never asked me to put aside all of those things -- in fact, he'd probably say that it was a big mistake TO ignore them and he'd be right -- but like it or not, I've put so much on the back burner and devoted all of my thoughts, energy, etc. to trying to figure out my m. So, now I look around and realize that I've left myself w/o ANY other support systems! I take no pride from my work anymore because I can barely concentrate, I spend hardly any time on my volunteer job, have distanced myself from my family and friends -- partly because I didn't feel as though I could be with them since I didn't want to share what was going on -- and partly because I thought that I needed to be HOME to, I don't know, keep ow from being around or something. stupid, stupid, stupid. Even school -- the thing that I was so proud of and interested in, I've let get tainted with thoughts that h and ow used that time to meet.

So...I'm angry at myself for letting my life get so out of hand.

The other thing that I'm grappling with is my reactions/interactions with h. I found myself apologizing to him twice yesterday for saying the wrong thing -- crap, I apologize all the time for stupid stuff! I've stopped believing that I know what to say and how to say it. I've stopped saying how I feel -- partly per "DB" rules and partly because I worry so much about setting everything back, driving him away. Crap -- I even started THIS post off with caveats -- the ONE place that I should be able to bare my soul (well, so to speak) and I'm fearful even now. When did I lose my confidence? my sense of self? when did I start questioning everything that I say or do in regards to my m?

Again, I'm mad at myself -- as much as I'd like to pass the buck -- it was MY responsibility to hold onto myself -- to hold onto my self-confidence. I've learned a lot about myself over the past 7 months -- much of it has guided me towards areas that should and have been improved -- good stuff -- but did I have to throw ALL of my worth into the garbage disposal in the process?

I've been struggling, too, lately with my reaction to the a, and my current confusion. Lately I find myself fantasizing about finding out that h and ow are still in contact and throwing him out -- no turning back -- stoic and strong and resolved. I feel like there's some part of me that's mad at myself for not doing that 7 months ago -- do I really think that that's the STRONGER way to react? Hasn't THIS been a show of strength? Staring everything I fear so much in the face and STILL getting out of bed in the morning? There's some (stupid, insane, naive, ridiculous) part of me that thinks that because I didn't throw h. out that he may somehow be confused about whether or not I'm strong enough -- whether or not I'd accept it again and again. I guess what I'm saying is that there's a part of me that wonders if I sent him the message that an a is "ok" in some shape or form by virtue of the way that I handled things. A few times over the last week, for the first time really, h has made some comments about being "a mean man" or obliquely referenced what happened -- both times I made some comment that brushed it aside. I'm not saying I should have taken him to task or lambasted him -- maybe he was even trying to start a conversation? Anyway, I just smiled and blew off his comments for fear of adding to his guilt or whatever. I didn't mean it to be controlling but how is NOT validating his bad feelings helpful? ugh.

Ditto the other day when the phone rang while I was home and he took off like a rocket. When he came back and said "there's no one I'd rather be with than you" -- WHY didn't I use that as an opportunity> Now, I'm still allowing myself to wonder -- did he mean "yes, that was ow on the phone"? Good Lord. I'm not saying I want to engage in r talks on any kind of regular basis but wasn't that at least a small opportunity to get some things out in the open?

during the bomb dropping, h told me that "this has never felt right" -- maybe he was right about that. I feel like I've stopped knowing how to be me with him...my own fault -- I'm really not applying blame! And, isn't he unable to be himself with ME? Why would he need to lie otherwise? why would he need to have an a? I want to have an honest, loving marriage that feels positive for both of us. I want my marriage to be built on the foundations of trust and fidelity. I see us sometimes locked in a cycle that seems to just not lead to those things...I'm not sure I know how to be the person that he feels as though he can open up to. I'm not sure I know how to inspire his honesty or intimacy. I'm not sure I know how to encourage him to face whatever fears he has.

OTOH, aren't I doing that myself right now? Hey, all is not lost! I'm facing my fears and insecurities and all that crap. Cool. (Brief break from my melodrama and emotions!)

I know, I know that I'm mired in the future and the past. I haven't spent one moment talking about the present -- the nice phone call I got this AM, the surprise date he's planning for tonight, etc. I have so much awesome stuff going on -- I've been talking a bit about what I'm afraid of -- I guess I'll add these things to the list -- I'm afraid that I can never have what I want in my m (honesty, fidelity); I'm afraid that my h will never find a way to be "himself" with me. Of course, I'm also afraid that one of us (or both of us) would toss this away for the wrong reasons.

Can you tell that I'm tired and spent? Can you tell that my bday is coming up in a few days? I think I need a break -- I'm getting one in a sense -- h has guard duty this weekend so I'm a bachelorette. Will be sure to do lots of good stuff for me and the house. maybe I'll leave my ever-working brain someplace else.

Sage

[sage]

Wow. Why was it so terrifying for me to write down that I sometimes have doubts too? Did I think that the world was going to fall apart? That h would see it and be on the phone to a lawyer, as though my certainty was the only thing holding us together? Or was I afraid that I would hurt him if he read it?

Are my doubts about failing? or about succeeding? I talked in C. this week about not knowing what if feels like to be really loved -- well, not in my family at least. I see that h is truly loved by his family -- and I can FEEL him loving me sometimes in a way that feels unfamiliar to me -- it scares me.

So, I don't know if that's where my doubts are...or if they rest in wondering if I can have a faithful m. based on honesty with this person.

Sage

[lostlove]

wow sage,

so so so much stuff there...but the one thing that struck me most was this one

I talked in C. this week about not knowing what if feels like to be really loved -- well, not in my family at least. I see that h is truly loved by his family -- and I can FEEL him loving me sometimes in a way that feels unfamiliar to me -- it scares me.

it is scary to be loved unconditionally isn't it.

more pondering in my head about the other things you've said..but then those are just the stirring up of things in my mind...I can relate to how you are feeling...

regarding a display of strength....well I can tell you that my h's ow once said to me that it's easier to keep the family together...that's a load of crap..much much easier to throw it all away and start a new. you are showing huge strength.

LL