Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Been struggling for the last 24 hours about posting...why? well, I think I've mentioned before that I think h. sometimes reads my thread....that's put a constraint on me that I normally work around ok...but stuff that's on my mind now is hard to write and may be hard for him to hear. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that good stuff that's been going on -- the progress that we've made -- OTOH, I'm feeling irritated that I don't feel like I can vent here -- if not here, then where?

So, hon, if you are reading this...well, you can stop now or ....

I realized yesterday that I'm starting to feel angry. Up til now, most of my feelings have been centered around fear and sadness -- the bulk of the anger that I've felt has been towards the ow (nice, safe place to put it). I don't think that my anger NOW is appropriate or inappropriate -- not "classifiable" actually. I also don't think that I'll get mired in it for too long. In some ways it's refreshing to feel.

So, what am I pissed about? where to start? well, I've been realizing of late that pretty much every element of my life has suffered in deference to my m. and the sitch for the last year. Now, that was my OWN doing -- h never asked me to put aside all of those things -- in fact, he'd probably say that it was a big mistake TO ignore them and he'd be right -- but like it or not, I've put so much on the back burner and devoted all of my thoughts, energy, etc. to trying to figure out my m. So, now I look around and realize that I've left myself w/o ANY other support systems! I take no pride from my work anymore because I can barely concentrate, I spend hardly any time on my volunteer job, have distanced myself from my family and friends -- partly because I didn't feel as though I could be with them since I didn't want to share what was going on -- and partly because I thought that I needed to be HOME to, I don't know, keep ow from being around or something. stupid, stupid, stupid. Even school -- the thing that I was so proud of and interested in, I've let get tainted with thoughts that h and ow used that time to meet.

So...I'm angry at myself for letting my life get so out of hand.

The other thing that I'm grappling with is my reactions/interactions with h. I found myself apologizing to him twice yesterday for saying the wrong thing -- crap, I apologize all the time for stupid stuff! I've stopped believing that I know what to say and how to say it. I've stopped saying how I feel -- partly per "DB" rules and partly because I worry so much about setting everything back, driving him away. Crap -- I even started THIS post off with caveats -- the ONE place that I should be able to bare my soul (well, so to speak) and I'm fearful even now. When did I lose my confidence? my sense of self? when did I start questioning everything that I say or do in regards to my m?

Again, I'm mad at myself -- as much as I'd like to pass the buck -- it was MY responsibility to hold onto myself -- to hold onto my self-confidence. I've learned a lot about myself over the past 7 months -- much of it has guided me towards areas that should and have been improved -- good stuff -- but did I have to throw ALL of my worth into the garbage disposal in the process?

I've been struggling, too, lately with my reaction to the a, and my current confusion. Lately I find myself fantasizing about finding out that h and ow are still in contact and throwing him out -- no turning back -- stoic and strong and resolved. I feel like there's some part of me that's mad at myself for not doing that 7 months ago -- do I really think that that's the STRONGER way to react? Hasn't THIS been a show of strength? Staring everything I fear so much in the face and STILL getting out of bed in the morning? There's some (stupid, insane, naive, ridiculous) part of me that thinks that because I didn't throw h. out that he may somehow be confused about whether or not I'm strong enough -- whether or not I'd accept it again and again. I guess what I'm saying is that there's a part of me that wonders if I sent him the message that an a is "ok" in some shape or form by virtue of the way that I handled things. A few times over the last week, for the first time really, h has made some comments about being "a mean man" or obliquely referenced what happened -- both times I made some comment that brushed it aside. I'm not saying I should have taken him to task or lambasted him -- maybe he was even trying to start a conversation? Anyway, I just smiled and blew off his comments for fear of adding to his guilt or whatever. I didn't mean it to be controlling but how is NOT validating his bad feelings helpful? ugh.

Ditto the other day when the phone rang while I was home and he took off like a rocket. When he came back and said "there's no one I'd rather be with than you" -- WHY didn't I use that as an opportunity> Now, I'm still allowing myself to wonder -- did he mean "yes, that was ow on the phone"? Good Lord. I'm not saying I want to engage in r talks on any kind of regular basis but wasn't that at least a small opportunity to get some things out in the open?

during the bomb dropping, h told me that "this has never felt right" -- maybe he was right about that. I feel like I've stopped knowing how to be me with him...my own fault -- I'm really not applying blame! And, isn't he unable to be himself with ME? Why would he need to lie otherwise? why would he need to have an a? I want to have an honest, loving marriage that feels positive for both of us. I want my marriage to be built on the foundations of trust and fidelity. I see us sometimes locked in a cycle that seems to just not lead to those things...I'm not sure I know how to be the person that he feels as though he can open up to. I'm not sure I know how to inspire his honesty or intimacy. I'm not sure I know how to encourage him to face whatever fears he has.

OTOH, aren't I doing that myself right now? Hey, all is not lost! I'm facing my fears and insecurities and all that crap. Cool. (Brief break from my melodrama and emotions!)

I know, I know that I'm mired in the future and the past. I haven't spent one moment talking about the present -- the nice phone call I got this AM, the surprise date he's planning for tonight, etc. I have so much awesome stuff going on -- I've been talking a bit about what I'm afraid of -- I guess I'll add these things to the list -- I'm afraid that I can never have what I want in my m (honesty, fidelity); I'm afraid that my h will never find a way to be "himself" with me. Of course, I'm also afraid that one of us (or both of us) would toss this away for the wrong reasons.

Can you tell that I'm tired and spent? Can you tell that my bday is coming up in a few days? I think I need a break -- I'm getting one in a sense -- h has guard duty this weekend so I'm a bachelorette. Will be sure to do lots of good stuff for me and the house. maybe I'll leave my ever-working brain someplace else.

Sage