Hey Short, its me, changed my name. I have been thinking about you. Everytime I read something of yours, I think to myself, she is speaking about me, she is speaking to me. That was a wonderful letter and so true.
I too starting GAL that I thought h wanted me to have. I too, am content at home, reading, gardening, crafting. I think the whole point of GAL should be do more of what makes you happy. Let the things you love take a more important role in your life than they did.
We told my son that we are divorcing. It was the worst night of my life. He took it very badly. I realized the best thing I could do for him was to be happy, find me, get strong.
Short, surround yourself only with positive people, people who love and respect you. I no longer bother with people who bring my down, who are negative - life is too short.
Anyway, I hope we get to meet when you come to NY>
Love to meet in NY. I should be there in April/May to move my son out of his apartment.
I have been doing at lot of reading lately. Due to some things people and my Cs have said, I am pretty sure I am dealing with a very passive-aggressive husband. It is the first thing I have read where I go yeah, that was my life. I don't know if anyone else here has dealt with this. Funny, before I went NC with H, I kept finding myself saying to H, "Where is your anger?" or "Why don't you just yell?" or "Maybe we should just sit in a room and let it all out?" I feel his anger, but he won't express it openly.
Yeah, its me. Glad you like the new name. My h is the same. I could cut the anger with a knife but he doesnt want to talk about it. Anyway, I think it is best for you to not talk to your h right now. Your posts seems much calmer when you arent in contact.
Has he tried to contact you at all? I am just curious what you've read about passive-aggressive. The other day my C asked me to read something. I started reading it and the title was covered. I said OMG, this is my h. She showed me the title - it was obsessive-compulsive personality. Not to be confused with OCD. It brought some clarity to things I have thought about my h but thought it must be in my head. Interesting stuff all this, no?
I am pretty sure I am dealing with a very passive-aggressive husband. It is the first thing I have read where I go yeah, that was my life. I don't know if anyone else here has dealt with this. Funny, before I went NC with H, I kept finding myself saying to H, "Where is your anger?" or "Why don't you just yell?" or "Maybe we should just sit in a room and let it all out?" I feel his anger, but he won't express it openly.
Wow could I relate to this. My XH still hasn't let out the anger, not after his first M, (20+ years ago), and not after ours ended. He is on wife # 3, and I predict he will go to his grave never having let out the anger. The best relevant quote about his no anger denial-type that I have read is from Laura Day--something to the effect that the world as he knows it has fallen to pieces, and you would never know it to watch him going about business exactly as usual.
Beginersmind, (wasn't sure if I should use initials )
I have been a WHOLE lot calmer. I have had no contact at all from H in about 3 weeks. I think that is the longest ever. When we were together he couldn't go more than 3 hours without talking to me. He has called our son and left messages for him. He has, so far as I know, not done any paperwork on the divorce.
I am actually enjoying the lack of drama. I get a bit lonely every so often, but I feel like I'm on a retreat...so peaceful. The man is crazy making, at least for me.
I Googled passive-aggressive just to read up. My H often referred to himself as P/A so on some level he sees it. I wish I had read more about it. I always thought of it as a personality style, but in fact it is a personality disorder. It explains a lot.
It also means NC is probably a good thing. P/A people tend to duck responsibility by doing nothing. They tend to marry people who take responsibility (too much) and rush in and do for them. The classic P/A set up is "yes,but". They agree and then have a built in excuse for why they don't do whatever it is they agreed to. You are always to blame..or someone other then them. There is a bunch more, but you can read it. Suppressed anger is the main cause.
To deal with it takes a lot of validating his feeling..so he is safe to express them... and calling him on the broken agreements in a calm way. In other words you have to stay firm. It sounds a lot like MLC behavior in general.
Again, our part (the non P/A) is to be clear on what's real/true as they tend to lie, stay emotionally calm, and stay focused on behavior, not words, to know what the person is feeling as they have trouble expressing what they are feeling.
Well, I guess the divorce is on. I got a letter yesterday from the lawyers. My H is trying to get out of paying the fees and is trying to not pay support which I am due.
I had a bad back slide. I called (I know, I know) and let loose. I was so angry. I guess it had been building in me. Is it not bad enough that he cheats, then leaves, then blames me for everything, then wants a divorce, then wants to do everything to make it horrible and ugly. I was so angry.
Finally I calmed down on the phone and asked again, well as long as it is over why not tell me what happened. His answer, he just wanted to get laid and then he liked it. WOW. Then the usual its all my fault for everything, no part of the marriage is his. He told he had lost his individuality as he had to give up other women to me with me. Hello? Anyone home?
I was so upset I had a panic attack. It was so stupid of me, I keep forgetting this man is not my husband.
I had a nice talk with an old friend that has known my H since he was 16. It was so nice to have her tell me how happy my husband used to be. How he always told her great things about me and us. Some days it is so hard to remember that we were once happy together. I begin to loss my sense of reality. I just don't know if I can love this man.
Okay anyone out there...How do you communicate to a person who is unwilling or unable to take responsibility for themselves as an adult. Seems every time it comes down to the same thing. Even if I do take responsibility for myself (and yes there are times I slip) it doesn't seem to matter. Just doesn't register. Perhaps I am missing something? Or is it just impossible to do with someone who sees themselves as a victim and a child all the time? Any suggestions?
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