Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

Hi all,

Just a bit of journalling from the weekend...

Spent a bunch of time with h -- relaxed at home on Friday which was very nice. Saturday, I did errands early then we went out for drinks and dinner. It was romantic and fun! Good stuff.

Yesterday I was a pain The weather was miserable and I was feeling crabby and sad and unloveable. I was insecure and did a cruddy job of hiding it -- asked h a bunch of times if he was bored with me, etc. Yuck. I told him that it was hard for me to feel loveable -- then tried to tell him that I wasn't blaming him for that -- he got quiet -- I pressed him for a statement and he told me that he wished that after I told him how I felt that I would stop expecting a soliliquy from him.

OK. That's good info!

I did my "thing" for a while -- balanced my checkbook, etc. He called me into the room to watch a bit of the Red Sox (nice effort to end the argument!). I was sad. I cried a bit. (just sitting there). He asked what was wrong. I told him not to worry, it was about me, not him.

I told him how much I love all the things that have been going on of late -- his interest in the house and making it more beautiful, his romancing of me, etc.

I asked him for a hug. He said: "I love you so much" and "you are everything to me". Goodness...what more could a girl WANT!!!

So, what the hell is going on here?

Well..as you might imagine, I've been thinking a lot about it...I had ten solid days of feeling so good -- no obsession with ow or real thoughts of a..then the phone call on thursday (my ASSumptions screwing me up). Worries that things are still ongoing -- that it's all a lie. I had written on Jeannine's thread that sometimes I terrify myself...it's the only word that applies. I am terrified.

Why so scared? Before I found out about a, I wasn't particularly happy in my m. I was angry a lot and felt that I didn't have what I wanted. NOW? Well, now my m. has pretty much all the elements that I want. H is here, he's focused on me and our life together, he's interested in the house, in pulling at least half the weight. He initiates stuff -- for us to do together, for him to do to make our lives better. He's romantic. He's loving. He's thawed. If the fall (dday) was so devastating when I wasn't happy...what happens when I am? How can I possibly take both hands off the ground? take the training wheels off? (the cliches just keep coming...). what if I make a conscious decision (and it has to be one) to let go of my fear and it turns out that it's all BS? It was one thing when I was angry, mean, Sage and h had an a. What if I'm happy, loving, committed Sage and he does?

Yesterday? well, yesterday was 7 months after DDay. 7 months for 7 years of m. shouldn't I be better by now? isn't that the formula?

Ya know what? I AM better. 10 days of goodness in my own mind is nothing to sneeze at. string a few of those together and I am cruising!

Here's my horoscope for today:


There are more questions than answers. So goes the song. But of course, it doesnt quite work that way if you are a Gemini. For you, there are more answers than questions. Thats why life is so perplexing. You are forever trying to make sense of various clues You have to work out which solutions go with which problems. Then, most frustratingly, you have to decide what to do with the ones that are left over. You can give your current predicament many names but you can hardly call it a curse. It is merely a blessing, looking for a way in which to bestow itself.


I am lucky. I am loved. I AM blessed. I am also scared. And I think that's ok.

I have a c. appt tonight -- I get to skip it, right? after this reflective post