H continues to be incredibly supportive and loving. He called me a few times during the day. He suggested that we go to the gym after work and then out for drinks. Said lots of loving things and was very affectionate. Listened earnestly about my desire for a new (specific) job and was supportive of my applying even though it's a long shot. Talked a bit about law school and expressed some nervousness. Was enthusiastic about being with me.
What didn't go well (but turned out ok, I think): I haven't been feeling well for a few days (cold or allergies) and yesterday was no exception. I'm just feeling really out of sorts physically (which has been made worse by not exercising much...but I feel too sick and tired to do it). After we went out, h. was giving me a hug from behind and he bit my ear. It hurt. I know he was just kidding around but it made me very angry -- in a way that I haven't felt in a while.
It obviously wasn't just about being bitten....the thought the flashed into my head was "how could you hurt me? how could you not take ME into account? how could you not know that that was going to hurt me?" yah. ok. you can see where this is going...
Anyway, h. apologized when I yelped and then later on apologized very sincerely saying "sometimes I forget how delicate you are". Very much appreciated. By then, though, I was pretty mad at myself for how ANGRY I had been at him....(it reminded me of what I think was a real contributor to our m. falling apart...my anger at him for perceived ills!). Trying to forgive myself for that. I don't WANT him to feel my wrath OTOH, I DO want him to consider my "feelings"! I don't want him to stop "playing around" with me -- I need to come up with a better way (that doesn't involve anger and blame) to let him know when it's too much.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
What went well: Took the day off from work. We did a whole bunch of stuff -- gym then breakfast. Tackled decluttering the attic and the "office" (which was a disaster!) -- ended up with bag upon bag of trash and stuff for goodwill. We were both extremely proud! Went to the store and bought a digital camera, went to the movies, took a little afternoon "nap" then out for pizza and beer. It was a great day....lots of great together time. I'm calling these kinds of days "marital health days" and they really, really make me feel good!
What didn't go well: 1. After more than a week of successfully keeping ow out of my mind...I dunked myself back into the murky waters. h and I were in the attic cleaning and the phone rang. H ran down the stairs like a bat out of hell, closed the attic door and answered the phone. He was back a few seconds later saying that there was no one there or he didn't get there in time. Well, my brain took over and my ASSumption was that it was ow (their daily phone calls/emails/meetings/IM'ing were a staple of the a.). I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was back in the same rathole that I've spent months and months and months in. Sad and angry and pissed off and all. I wasn't able to act "as if" -- just got really quiet. H's response to the whole thing was interesting (weird, whatever). He hugged me and said "you're the only one in the whole world I want to spend the day with" and some other stuff like that. HUH? Was that "I know you think that was the ow, it wasn't, and let me reassure you that you are the only one for me" ??? or was it "I know you think that was the ow, it was and it's nothing -- let me tell you that you're the only one for me"??? It's not even remotely possible that my h thinks that I would be OK with him and ow still in contact, is it????
Anyway, I pulled myself out of the muck, sank back in, repulled a bunch of times during the day....trying to have faith and trust and confidence....
2. While we were relaxing in front of the tv last night, I picked up "5 love languages" and started reading. h asked me what I was reading so I took a chance and gave a brief synopsis of the book. H said he didn't believe in stuff like that, there was no way to distill people into 5 ways of feeling love, etc. It was pretty clear he was not interested in engaging in a discussion about it...
I know I didn't do a particularly good job during the brief talk...perhaps he assumes that I was reading the book to convince him to speak a different language to ME -- NOT SO -- the recurring theme for me is that I just don't know if/how to communicate my love to HIM. HE was the one who stepped outside the m. to find something...love? sex? passion? relief from me? why WOULDN'T I feel inadequate in terms of meeting his needs?
I guess the status quo will continue -- I'll keep trying to "hear" what he's saying he needs knowing that he'd never say to me point blank "this is what makes me feel loved. this is my language."
I guess I know more than I give myself credit for .. I just get scared sometimes that he's gonna turn around in 3 months, 6 months, 3 years, 30 years and say "you never loved me the way that I needed".
Maybe it's enough to "hear" what he's said....the I was SO angry last year that he thought our m. was over (hence, sage's getting out of "angry mode" has been a real positive) -- that he loves being with me (quality time), that he holds my hand and touches me (physical touch), that calmness, trust, unconditional love all mean so much. Expecations and pressure are a huge turnoff. Overanalyzing stuff? Turnoff.
I've got what I want -- I'm happier with h now than I've been in eons. we spent the day working on our house. he's off buying paint today (hey, LL! right up your alley!). we talked about a vacation in december. he tells me what he thinks -- I just need to shut up and listen.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
could you possibly bottle some of that and send it my way...
you really are doing such a great job..
don't worry about the "thoughts" hell my h's beeper went off last night round 11pm...I said nothing...but did think..hmmm ow leaving a lovey dovey voice mail??? h went into thinking it could be one of his employees that's having "life" problems..but then realized it went off not as a page but because he had put a new battery in and the time must have gotten screwey so it was the alarm going off..h pointing out that it didn't continue to go off...eventually I just said...I'm not worried about it..it's your beeper.
some really great stuff going on for you and h...try to just sit back and accept it all..
I wouldn't worry to much about h's love language..it may very well be that if you're happy he's happy..so be happy.
Quoting lostlove: I wouldn't worry to much about h's love language..it may very well be that if you're happy he's happy..so be happy.
LL
LL -- You've definitely hit the nail on the head (at least in part!). I believe that my h thrives on feeling as though I am happy, satisfied, loving, loved. I think that a big part of the initial demise of our m. resulted from my anger and unhappiness...and somewhat his feeling that HE couldn't make me happy, never would be able to, etc. I realized at some point during DB'ing that I wasn't letting my h in...letting him love me...and I'm sure that that hurt him. Of course, now (post-a) it's so hard to make myself vulnerable to him...
There are times when I wonder if your h. doesn't partially hold the same fear... ???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I just came over from wallowing in my own thread to read about your situation. You've given me some great advice and support. I didn't read all of your threads (to say it's voluminous would be an understatement!), but I sampled enough to understand.
Concerning your present situation with your H, all I can say is, wow. Largely through your efforts, your H has been absolutely transformed. From the sound of it, his attitude toward you and your M is just the way I want my W to eventually be. I know things aren't perfect for you, but you have come such a long way. Truly incredible and inspirational. Wow!
Spent a bunch of time with h -- relaxed at home on Friday which was very nice. Saturday, I did errands early then we went out for drinks and dinner. It was romantic and fun! Good stuff.
Yesterday I was a pain The weather was miserable and I was feeling crabby and sad and unloveable. I was insecure and did a cruddy job of hiding it -- asked h a bunch of times if he was bored with me, etc. Yuck. I told him that it was hard for me to feel loveable -- then tried to tell him that I wasn't blaming him for that -- he got quiet -- I pressed him for a statement and he told me that he wished that after I told him how I felt that I would stop expecting a soliliquy from him.
OK. That's good info!
I did my "thing" for a while -- balanced my checkbook, etc. He called me into the room to watch a bit of the Red Sox (nice effort to end the argument!). I was sad. I cried a bit. (just sitting there). He asked what was wrong. I told him not to worry, it was about me, not him.
I told him how much I love all the things that have been going on of late -- his interest in the house and making it more beautiful, his romancing of me, etc.
I asked him for a hug. He said: "I love you so much" and "you are everything to me". Goodness...what more could a girl WANT!!!
So, what the hell is going on here?
Well..as you might imagine, I've been thinking a lot about it...I had ten solid days of feeling so good -- no obsession with ow or real thoughts of a..then the phone call on thursday (my ASSumptions screwing me up). Worries that things are still ongoing -- that it's all a lie. I had written on Jeannine's thread that sometimes I terrify myself...it's the only word that applies. I am terrified.
Why so scared? Before I found out about a, I wasn't particularly happy in my m. I was angry a lot and felt that I didn't have what I wanted. NOW? Well, now my m. has pretty much all the elements that I want. H is here, he's focused on me and our life together, he's interested in the house, in pulling at least half the weight. He initiates stuff -- for us to do together, for him to do to make our lives better. He's romantic. He's loving. He's thawed. If the fall (dday) was so devastating when I wasn't happy...what happens when I am? How can I possibly take both hands off the ground? take the training wheels off? (the cliches just keep coming...). what if I make a conscious decision (and it has to be one) to let go of my fear and it turns out that it's all BS? It was one thing when I was angry, mean, Sage and h had an a. What if I'm happy, loving, committed Sage and he does?
Yesterday? well, yesterday was 7 months after DDay. 7 months for 7 years of m. shouldn't I be better by now? isn't that the formula?
Ya know what? I AM better. 10 days of goodness in my own mind is nothing to sneeze at. string a few of those together and I am cruising!
Here's my horoscope for today:
There are more questions than answers. So goes the song. But of course, it doesnt quite work that way if you are a Gemini. For you, there are more answers than questions. Thats why life is so perplexing. You are forever trying to make sense of various clues You have to work out which solutions go with which problems. Then, most frustratingly, you have to decide what to do with the ones that are left over. You can give your current predicament many names but you can hardly call it a curse. It is merely a blessing, looking for a way in which to bestow itself.
I am lucky. I am loved. I AM blessed. I am also scared. And I think that's ok.
I have a c. appt tonight -- I get to skip it, right? after this reflective post
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: He said: "I love you so much" and "you are everything to me". Goodness...what more could a girl WANT!!!
Well, geez...that says a lot. What I wouldn't give for a comment like that.
Ahh...fear. That's a tough one. I think most of us realize that human nature isn't as pure as we once thought. Do I dare say that now I have a tainted spin on the human race? Yes, well, it's not all that negative. We're all human...we all make mistakes. I think we've learned two valuable things here than might get us past this fear: 1) That we know what to do to prevent future problems with our M. We know how to fill the "love tank," so to speak, and can recognize some of the danger signs, and head them off before they get out of control. 2) Remain comfortable with ourselves...and knowing that we will be fine no matter what. In other words, relinquish control over stuff we have no control over.
Quote: sometimes I terrify myself...it's the only word that applies. I am terrified.
I understand how you feel sage...I've been battling this feeling for a while..I've come right out and said it a few times and actually in c appointment the other night I used the word..petrified...but what are we so afraid of?? we know that we can and will be ok no matter what happens so why are we allowing our "fear" to rob us of the new found pleasure in our r's???
I'm ready to tackle this hurdle..let's come up with a plan of action.
and then later on apologized very sincerely saying "sometimes I forget how delicate you are". Very much appreciated. By then, though, I was pretty mad at myself for how ANGRY I had been at him....(it reminded me of what I think was a real contributor to our m. falling apart...my anger at him for perceived ills!). Trying to forgive myself for that. I don't WANT him to feel my wrath 
OTOH, I DO want him to consider my "feelings"! I don't want him to stop "playing around" with me -- I need to come up with a better way (that doesn't involve anger and blame) to let him know when it's too much.
I'm calling these kinds of days "marital health days" and they really, really make me feel good!
??? 
The weather was miserable and I was feeling crabby and sad and unloveable. I was insecure and did a cruddy job of hiding it -- asked h a bunch of times if he was bored with me, etc. Yuck. I told him that it was hard for me to feel loveable -- then tried to tell him that I wasn't blaming him for that -- he got quiet -- I pressed him for a statement and he told me that he wished that after I told him how I felt that I would stop expecting a soliliquy from him.