Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

journalling from yesterday...

What went well:
Took the day off from work. We did a whole bunch of stuff -- gym then breakfast. Tackled decluttering the attic and the "office" (which was a disaster!) -- ended up with bag upon bag of trash and stuff for goodwill. We were both extremely proud! Went to the store and bought a digital camera, went to the movies, took a little afternoon "nap" then out for pizza and beer. It was a great day....lots of great together time. I'm calling these kinds of days "marital health days" and they really, really make me feel good!

What didn't go well:
1. After more than a week of successfully keeping ow out of my mind...I dunked myself back into the murky waters. h and I were in the attic cleaning and the phone rang. H ran down the stairs like a bat out of hell, closed the attic door and answered the phone. He was back a few seconds later saying that there was no one there or he didn't get there in time. Well, my brain took over and my ASSumption was that it was ow (their daily phone calls/emails/meetings/IM'ing were a staple of the a.). I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was back in the same rathole that I've spent months and months and months in. Sad and angry and pissed off and all. I wasn't able to act "as if" -- just got really quiet. H's response to the whole thing was interesting (weird, whatever). He hugged me and said "you're the only one in the whole world I want to spend the day with" and some other stuff like that. HUH? Was that "I know you think that was the ow, it wasn't, and let me reassure you that you are the only one for me" ??? or was it "I know you think that was the ow, it was and it's nothing -- let me tell you that you're the only one for me"??? It's not even remotely possible that my h thinks that I would be OK with him and ow still in contact, is it????

Anyway, I pulled myself out of the muck, sank back in, repulled a bunch of times during the day....trying to have faith and trust and confidence....

2. While we were relaxing in front of the tv last night, I picked up "5 love languages" and started reading. h asked me what I was reading so I took a chance and gave a brief synopsis of the book. H said he didn't believe in stuff like that, there was no way to distill people into 5 ways of feeling love, etc. It was pretty clear he was not interested in engaging in a discussion about it...

I know I didn't do a particularly good job during the brief talk...perhaps he assumes that I was reading the book to convince him to speak a different language to ME -- NOT SO -- the recurring theme for me is that I just don't know if/how to communicate my love to HIM. HE was the one who stepped outside the m. to find something...love? sex? passion? relief from me? why WOULDN'T I feel inadequate in terms of meeting his needs?

I guess the status quo will continue -- I'll keep trying to "hear" what he's saying he needs knowing that he'd never say to me point blank "this is what makes me feel loved. this is my language."

I guess I know more than I give myself credit for .. I just get scared sometimes that he's gonna turn around in 3 months, 6 months, 3 years, 30 years and say "you never loved me the way that I needed".

Maybe it's enough to "hear" what he's said....the I was SO angry last year that he thought our m. was over (hence, sage's getting out of "angry mode" has been a real positive) -- that he loves being with me (quality time), that he holds my hand and touches me (physical touch), that calmness, trust, unconditional love all mean so much. Expecations and pressure are a huge turnoff. Overanalyzing stuff? Turnoff.

I've got what I want -- I'm happier with h now than I've been in eons. we spent the day working on our house. he's off buying paint today (hey, LL! right up your alley!). we talked about a vacation in december. he tells me what he thinks -- I just need to shut up and listen.

Sage