Sleeping Dogs

[SirPrizeMe]

Wow! Good for you Grace.
That's beautiful. The peace you have found is worth holding onto, with both hands.

I love the way you put that.

We think that our S's are too "proud" once they leave to come back. I've come to a place where I don't see it as pride so much (at least with my H) as their own fear. Fear of rejection and inadequacy. It's sad that any of those things would bar them from coming back. Mostly b/c I think of the regret and torment they'd live with.

That makes sense to me. I see lots of fear in my WAW these days. Unjustified Fear, almost to the point of paranoia. With that kind of fear burbling in her belly, there's no way she could come back.

If this continues, is she destined to live with regret and torment? Hmmm, not sure. I feel certain she is on a track to justify herself. She is inventing crimes for me, to justify her actions. Because I am the bad guy, no regret on her part.

See? See how handy vilification can be? Simple. Easy. Cleans up any mess.

cheers

[Grace_O]

She is inventing crimes for me, to justify her actions. Because I am the bad guy, no regret on her part.

See? See how handy vilification can be? Simple. Easy. Cleans up any mess.

I know she's inventing things to justify her actions. However, from reading your thread she does not sound unintelligent. If she's introspective at all, on some level she's aware what she's doing. She may not know why. It's like a form of self sabotage. for example, I say I want to lose weight and then go and stick a cupcake in my mouth. Then on top of that beat myself up mentally. At some point I need to look at what that cupcake is doing for me int that moment that allows me to sacrifice my larger goal. I really don't think I'm being overly optimistic to think that at some point most people look at this stuff. That's when the regret comes in. Maybe my age is showing here. I don't know.

[kikifree]

I think the "pride" factor is what scares alot of folks (esp newcomers). We think that our S's are too "proud" once they leave to come back. I've come to a place where I don't see it as pride so much (at least with my H) as their own fear. Fear of rejection and inadequacy. It's sad that any of those things would bar them from coming back. Mostly b/c I think of the regret and torment they'd live with.

I use to always think it was pride but you are right. How can you help them see that if they are not willing to speak ..well, I guess by sincere actions on the LBS part.


You have such a good hold on your situation.

[Grace_O]

I use to always think it was pride but you are right. How can you help them see that if they are not willing to speak ..well, I guess by sincere actions on the LBS part.

It's sad that we can't help them see anything.

One of the things I do though is with our D's. They are at an age where movies and books make for a great ice-breaker into convos about tough topics. This one has actually come up and I've heard them talking with H regarding some of it. I don't do it as a manipulation or a game that they'll take what I say back to him. They are just getting feedback from him about topics they find important (including sex, drug use, suicide etc). I continue to encourage them and H to talk b/c D's are teenagers and need to know how to deal with alot of different emotional situations.

I've got so say it doesn't feel like I'm holding onto anything here. Like all of us here, just doing the best I know how.

[bombardier50]

However, from reading your thread she does not sound unintelligent.

One of the things I've learned in my sitch is that the MLCer does not behave rationally. They might have the intellectual capability to invent cold fusion, but the fog of MLC has derailed their thinking process. The logical, rational, clear-headed adult brain has succumbed to the illogical, insecure, gratification-seeking adolescent brain.

Consequently, I think it's difficult to predict if fear, pride, guilt, or embarrassment will serve as insurmountable barriers to their return to this planet. We might not know until the adolescent brain loses its grip.

Sorry...more psychobabble.

Bomb

[Grace_O]

While I tend to agree, I also remember what it was like to be a very self absorbed teenager. What was seen on the outside did not adequately reflect what was happening inside. did it stop me from doing stupid stuff? Not on your life. It also didn't stop me from taking the 3 R's to heart later.

It's all psychobable and if preditions worked reliably, well, I think I'd become a psychic (maybe that should be psycho ).
We don't get to know until we do.

[Upside]

Hi Grace-

I think the "pride" factor is what scares alot of folks (esp newcomers). We think that our S's are too "proud" once they leave to come back. I've come to a place where I don't see it as pride so much (at least with my H) as their own fear. Fear of rejection and inadequacy. It's sad that any of those things would bar them from coming back. Mostly b/c I think of the regret and torment they'd live with.

Funny thing, you would think it would be pride that would keep our spouses from leaving in the first place...oh, I forgot, that is the way rational people think.

I have often wondered if one of the reason why my H left was that it would be better for him to reject me then for me to reject him. And I do know my H suffers from feelings of inadequacy on some levels. Will pride or fear keep him from returning?...I don't know...but I think my H also has fear to not return...fear that he will be making a huge mistake if he doesn't.

By our spouses are running away from their fears, it leaves us to confront ours. We become stronger...they stay where they are...hmmm.

<3
Upside

[Grace_O]

I have often wondered if one of the reason why my H left was that it would be better for him to reject me then for me to reject him.

I suppose on some level it feels safer to reject than be rejected. At least there is a feeling of control.

By our spouses are running away from their fears, it leaves us to confront ours. We become stronger...they stay where they are...hmmm.

I do find this interesting. Well, here's to becoming stronger. Cheers.

[ba065]

Grace:

You said..."I suppose on some level it feels safer to reject than be rejected. At least there is a feeling of control."

I agree with you on this 100%. One thing my H has complained about is not having any control over anything in his life....but this sitch is in his control...he knows it...I know it...and I think it gives him some sense of control over something! I also think he hasn't moved out because of it.... the fact that he would lose control of the sitch. He said if he ever moved out...it would be forever...no reconciling or moving back because he wouldn't want to look stupid (nevermind that he already does). So by him still being here and "in control" it's giving him the opportunity to figure out what it is that he wants. ??? I don't know...just a guess here...

BA

[enlightenbylife]

Grace

I too believe the timimg and wanting to or not return has to do with at least some control.

H has always been in control.

Since this has happened I have seen him spin sometimes very much out of control.So out of character for him on so many levels.

That may have been the reason for him to take so long to leave.

He HATES the thought of renting because it is throwing his money away. This was ,Im sure of it, a player in the leaving.

I know there may have been other reasons to stay around but this was a factor.

And too returning will be a control thing for him.

Giving up some control because you cannot control all that happens when it comes to each other.

I have learned this in the dettaching process and it was really an awakening for me also.

E