Being dark does NOT mean you cannot be friendly and it does NOT mean that you literally have to disappear into a black hole. You have children, you're going to have interact with this guy whether anyone likes it or not. Being dark comes in by only initiating contact when it is necessary. If keeping him knowledgable of the children's activities is something that is necessary, do so - quickly, efficiently and without any personal reference.
Going dark is such a confusing things. And like you said we have this issue of our kids..so totally going away isn't totally possible (even though it seems that they can fall off the face of the earth awfully easily.) I guess what I am beginning to get is several things (ok so I know i have been on this board since August- I am a slow learner. Dark= MY HEART protection (not teaching him a lesson) Dark= Not letting him have parts of ME Dark does NOT mean being a B*
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Guilt and demands will only drive him further away.
Probably one of the hardest things in this. Our kids hurt, we hurt and I think ...he needs to know. And I do think there are times when it is appropriate. (when my daughter really does need me to be her voice...) BUT there are MANY times when the reminders of what he has done etc just need to be HIS to find out. NOT mine to tell.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Yep, right there with ya. Been there, done that. I've tried the thought stopping a few times and haven't been that successful. I'm glad to hear it's helping you. I need to try it again and keep at it.
Here is the deal -- it isn't a quick fix. AND it doesn't always help--- often I have to say it over and over- even get up move around find something else to read, look at etc. And AS SOON as I have ONE tiny little thought that ISNT about what I am thinking about i go with THAT thought. Your MIND is the battlefield -seriously.
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I guess for me that's one of the scariest things about this whole mess. I keep thinking, what if I'm not enough? Their dad is messing with their heads, and what if I'm so damaged myself that I can't keep myself together, much less help them keep it together? What if I mess them up even worse?
YOU HAVE ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION. IS IT EVEN an OPTION??!! I hope not!! What YOU do about YOU is up to YOU. That is something I am coming to. YOU need to take care of YOU!! PERIOD. DO WHAT it takes to get healthy.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
It is true that everyone here is a from a different cookie cutter. I often envy those who are so strong, so together.. Yet the kindness and understanding of hte depths of the pain of this is unreal. Just this am my d11 was watching/reading what I was posting. She asked me if I trusted what people said on here. I told her that I read everything and think about what they are writing. I told her the thing i like most is that everyone on here TRULY UNDERSTANDS everything that I have felt and been through.
she thought it was cool and so do i
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Another important suggestion in overcoming depression is to catch your negative thoughts as they occur.
"Much of depression is fed, fueled, and maintained by excessive negative thinking: I don't think I can do this. I don't think this is going to work," says Dr. Archibald Hart. "You need to challenge those negative thoughts because they keep the depression going. In fact they don't just keep it going, they make it worse."
Second Corinthians 10:5 says: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
With every negative thought that comes into your head, practice that exercise. Picture yourself capturing the negative thought in your hands and demolishing it before you even have a chance to think about it. After you demolish it, picture yourself handing it quickly over to God. Then replace the negative thought with a positive one. Repeat this exercise as often as necessary. Make it a habit to catch those bad thoughts.
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse" (Philippians 4:8 Msg).
Lord Jesus, I give You my negative thoughts right now. Please replace those thoughts with good ones. Help me to focus on the blessings You have given me. Amen.
Still working on my paper. Ok, it isn't so much a paper as it is a title page with almost a paragraph. Yeah, I suck. My H picks NOW to want to spill 20 years of stuff to me? I can't get myself to write with all the stuff swimming around in my head.
So, carry on all of you. I am not allowing myself to open this site until at least Saturday night or Sunday.
Czm, Have a great weekend. Start listing things now that will get you through those days you hate so much.
Well - this concept of doing things or making plans for me is strange..and challenging. Sooo the latest list??
Friday night (H's weekend HOWEVER) there is a fashion show by a lady here from a great ministry called Proverbs 31. Anyway it is called "Modest is Hotest" and D11 wanted to go..so Friday night will entail "girlz night out" and I will then take her to crap heads place afterwards.
Saturday - D11 has softball assesments so I will be going there (and this is good - what do I do in regards to H being there too..cause he will be) More Saturday - 3:00 counesling session (THANK GOD!) Excercise at the YMCA afterwards (time filler) Sunday - Church then excercise (time filler yet again)
So this weekend is looking pretty good.
I made a descion in regards to "doing things" . Right now I have to do babysteps. On Wednesday Nights D11 goes to Awana with a friend - so last night rather than go home and drink to much wine, stalk H via the internet or do something else unhealthy i ent to the Y and had a GREAT RUN!! IT WAS awesome!! Did some abs and legs afterwards. I forgot that it can be so good.
The plan is to go Wednesday nights, Friday nights (yes very exciting I knwo) or EARLIER friday nights as my life gets busier (socially) and Saturday and Sunday. I used to work out early in teh AM (5:30) but here I have to get up and going by 4:50 (schools start early for kids here) so to get a good hour in and meeting knowone makes it close to yucky...so I cahnged (for now.) HOWEVER I LOVE LOVE LOVE early workouts....when it is time I believe God will give me an excercise partner. He always has. It isn't time right now. (Probably cause all I would do is talk about H ---which I jsut realized!!) BA BAM!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Meredith - you had brought up something a little while back and I have been pondering it. It was in regards to me filing for D or him or whatever. You said..."what will it change.." or something to that affect -it was a good question.
I have thought about it and FOR ME...the ONLY thing it would change is that I would allow myself to be "Available" to the opposite sex. Truthfully that is it. As it stands now I am not - I made BOTH of my kids a promise that I would NOT date until we were D. Regardless of what the world says...seperated is not divorced. Why? Well -- if you go to get married (not to say any of these MLC'rs or WAS would - but if they wanted to) THEY CANT...why?? Because they are already married.
So simply put...the only reason to get a D is to cut my connection to him and free myself. That is it. I dont know that it is time - but I dont know that it isnt. So here I sit back to where we were so long ago. I have 3 options. 1)DO 2)Dont 3)Sit still until I know what to do..
(I think I will choose option 3) =)
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Meredith - you had brought up something a little while back and I have been pondering it. It was in regards to me filing for D or him or whatever. You said..."what will it change.." or something to that affect -it was a good question.
<snip>
So simply put...the only reason to get a D is to cut my connection to him and free myself. That is it. I dont know that it is time - but I dont know that it isnt. So here I sit back to where we were so long ago. I have 3 options. 1)DO 2)Dont 3)Sit still until I know what to do..
(I think I will choose option 3) =)
Option 3 sounds good. Very wise decision.
I wish I had that choice to make for myself. Yes, I'm feeling a little pity-party-ish. Just got back from the lawyer, and I'm feeling down, down, down. Actually, I think I'm sad, sad, sad, and scared, scared, scared. I will go back and read the post above about stopping negative thoughts.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Well - this concept of doing things or making plans for me is strange..and challenging. Sooo the latest list??
It is strange, isn't it? And most of my plans still tend to revolve around what the kids' plans are. I am the designated chauffeur, after all! Your plans sound fun---hope you and your daughter have a great time at the "modest" fashion show. :-)
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when it is time I believe God will give me an excercise partner. He always has. It isn't time right now. (Probably cause all I would do is talk about H ---which I jsut realized!!) BA BAM!!
Oy! I'm finding this happening to me right now. My walking buddies are very concerned about me and about what is going on with my H and with the D, because it is an ongoing "saga." So I got them caught up on what's happening. But I hope that after we get into a regular schedule (we just started this week) I can give them 60 second updates and then we can move on to something else!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
OK, Czm, I lied. I am taking a break from that awful paper for a sec...
I just wanted to share that I know exactly where you are coming from. Filing for a D wouldn't have changed anything for me. I had no desire to even look at another man, so why did I need to get a D? I didn't. And I wasn't ready. So, I too chose option 3.
I will warn you, when my H did go ahead and file, I was very angry at myself for letting him have control yet again. BUT, that was fleeting and I don't feel that way now. I am proud of myself for not reacting for the wrong reasons. In the end, divorce is a shame and I can look back and know that I did what I could to prevent it.
Despite what everyone told me to do, I sat. And, I don't reget it a bit.
So, put it out of your head for now. No sense thinking about it-you're simply not there.
