Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

In a way, I've tried to not focus on "will this ever happen again" stuff. Thing is, I've come to realize that as much as I try to will the universe to do my bidding, I really have no control. Only God has control. That's not to say that I don't think about it...but I try more to balance those thoughts...

Yah -- the thing that C and I discussed was twofold -- that I struggle with things that I can't control (and HAVE tried to control them with very negative results -- much of my "bad" behavior early in m was to try to "control" h out of fear) but also that I hold myself to unrelenting standards in an effort to control stuff -- like, IF I'm the PERFECT wife then he will be less likely to cheat, leave, whatever. I can do a pretty good job of beating myself up when I get started -- why did I say that, why didn't I say this, on and on. I think the solution is also twofold -- recognize and accept the things that I cannot control (I think I've heard that somewhere!) and work on ME so that I finally realize that I'm "worthy" even if imperfect.

I don't think that my constant self-monitoring draws h any closer to me either...if anything, I've heard from him that my being on overdrive is a turnoff.

Although cliche', actions do speak louder than words, do they not?

ESPECIALLY with h. He is all about action! (Problem has been that I am all about words! No matter, I'm figuring that out and "listening" to HIM now).

Just some advance journalling for tomorrow -- h. called and left me an extremely funny voice mail -- it was him singing a song bemoaning the fact that I wasn't available to speak with him -- totally adlibbed. What a riot!

Then, a bit later he called with a "hockey anecdote". I love it when he calls to share stuff like that with me.

Sage