I was reading your post and it brought tears to my eyes. Your story is my story. I have had that very same conversation with H on more than one occasion and I get the same response and it hurts like hell. It is very difficult when all you want to do is understand and get answers. For me sometimes DB is very hard because it feels like our spouses get off of the hook. You will never be able to convince me that their behavior is normal, that it is acceptable, and that it needs no explanation. Reality is most spouses don’t do this. Most human beings don’t do this. Many on this board compare our spouses to substance abusers and really that is a great comparison. Right now they are sick. We can’t help them. Just like any other addict you have to let them go through the experience, hit rock bottom and hope they come out of it. Sometimes they do and sadly enough sometimes they don’t. I had a conversation very similar to the one you had. Although, my H has not taken any legal action, I know that he has researched it. His hesitation I believe probably has more to do with his own finances than anything. Anyway, one thing he said to me really stuck. He said “why are you fighting for me.” “If I have lied to you and cheated on you, why are you fighting for me? I got that he was really looking for answer. I felt like if I had just come up with the right answer he would come back. I did not have a meaningful answer to give him at the time and I am still working on one for myself. Anyway, that question really stopped me in my tracks. I thought I better stop pushing until I can figure out an answer for myself. I say all this to say JF is that you needed this one backslide. While the rest of us backslide all the time you remain strong. It was your turn. We all reach out for answers because we just can’t believe any rational person would not have a good reason for this. You now see that he does not have any answers. You have it out of your system, you know this does not work, so now is your chance to let go since you have nothing else up your sleeve. I had nothing else. I had nothing else to get mad about. I had no other arguments. I had tried unsuccessfully to get different results from H and finally I had to say I surrender. You win (the battle of course, but not the war). It has only been a week, but already I feel better. I have started to build a friendship with H. I am not sad or mean or evil when he comes over. It still hurts, but I have used all my big guns and got nothing. At this point all I can do is work with H on parenting our son successfully and happily. If you feel like you have nothing go with that. Your H is a new person. You really don’t know the man that stands before you. Build a friendship with him like anyone else you would that you just met- slowly. BTW I have gotten the same line about H not abandoning his kids. My H’s dad left his family. I will never understand their logic. Never!
