Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

This is KEY! Do you mean you still look at stuff they wrote (literally) or just ruminate over the memory of it?

Just ruminating...I don't actually have any of the emails. Some of it is just so silly...it's weird what sticks in my mind! like, her emailing him about Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer coming to town -- "have you ever been to anything like this?" -- well, the Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies so that screws that up (if I let it). Or the one where she wrote "you've always taken such good care of me when I've been sick" -- what does that mean? or the one where she stated that she wanted to go out to a "real" place for a date (ah, ow, such is your lot in life!). And, of course, all the ILYs over and over and over again -- the emails where she talks about sharing dreams with each other -- the pet names (arrgh) -- and the stupid last email that she sent (well, before the ones she sent AFTER I knew) about having "fuzzies on my face from" his shirt. FUFUFUFUFUFUFUFU.

She ain't worth one more of your neurons firing!

Ain't that the truth!

Sage

[sage]

Had a good day yesterday -- doing ok with my goal about keeping ow out of my head. when she creeps in, I just slam the lid back down on her!

What went well:

H and I went to a shelter last night to look at cats. we actually ended up walking out of there with 2 kittens! Brother and sister, now appropriately named "Jem" and "Scout". Jem is an orange tiger while Scout is a "diluted calico". They're both pretty scared right now -- we've got them holed up in the bathroom, pretty limited to the bathtub! Scout is quietly shy -- if you pick her up, though, she settles right in. Jem is nervously shy -- he's trying hard to battle his fears and eventually gets up the nerve to explore a bit. Pick him up and he'll purr in time!

H initiated a "champagne" evening. It gave us a chance to relax and enjoy each other's company. I love that he was the one that suggested it.

H talked with me last night about wanting a job. I offered my help in looking and he seemed receptive to that. He is very bummed that no one has even responded to his resume. He IS trying to make a big career transition during a very crappy job market so the lack of response isn't unreasonable or unexpected. Doesn't make it feel any better, I'm sure.

What didn't go well at first but later offered an opportunity:

When H brought up the job thing I offered my help. I realized this morning that what I didn't do was ask him what HE thought he should do! Arrgh. I am such a steamroller at times!!! I don't mean to be! I just get too excited that we're talking about "stuff". I felt pretty badly about it this morning so when h called (!!!) me at work, I casually mentioned that I had realized that I hadn't really asked him for his thoughts. He told me that he was kind of glad I hadn't asked because he was out of ideas! I apologized for steamrolling over him and he said "don't worry about it" (very earnestly) -- so, you know what??? I'm not gonna worry about it!!!!

Oh, another good thing...H asked me what we're doing tonight...then offered to go think about a plan....he definitely seems to be more open to initiating in the last week or so. This is GREAT!

Sage

[scotty]

wow

sounds like you had a great day yesterday....good for you. I'm really happy to hear about you getting the cats as well. Pets do a world of wonders for us.

ps thanks for yesterday...i needed it

[Jeannine]

Looking good!

Jeannine

[shinybear]

Purr, purr, meow meow,

Congratulations on your new family! Absolutely right to get two. We've never regretted that (nor adding the third 8 years later). Much more fun for them and for you, the parents who will be in stitches with their antics.


I've always wanted an orange tabby (two of my very few paintings are of such a cat), love calicos too. Alas our two oldest cats are both black and white, the youngest....gray and white.

Our carpets? A shade of deep gold, of course, so those swirls of grey just jump right out at ya!

You see, Sage...you felt you'd "steam-rolled" your H, HE was rather glad for the direction. Hmmmm, should Sage give herself a break with over-interpreting her behaviours in a negative light?

YES!

Have a great weekend, pal! Give the kitties a tickle from me.

Shiny

[waitandsee]

I realized two days ago the perfect revenge -- the perfect missing piece I've been looking for -- it's getting my life back, it's making my marriage as awesome as it can be. WHAT could be a better revenge than that? AND, it works for me too. I want my life and love back.

Hi, Sage. I'm relatively new to the BB but was lurking around earlier this year. I was following your thread when it was still in another forum (newcomers', I think) and I'm glad to see you have moved to this one.

You are so right about the perfect revenge! I am in a difficult situation right now and thoughts like these sure keep me going.

[sage]

Hey all,

Thanks for the positive posts and responses to my musings!

Can't complain about how things are going -- we had a good weekend with only a few mild gotchas. Yesterday was a perfect day with h -- spent the morning watching him play baseball in the gorgeous weather, did some errands while he relaxed in the afternoon, then dinner and tv. He seemed in a good mood, I was in a good mood, we were kind and caring and affectionate with each other. He let me know in both words and actions that he was interested and focused on ME and that just made me feel great!

So...any funkiness? Well, I've been listening to "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and can see from its contents how I've really not helped our m along with my way of relating to h (well, the FORMER way). God, it seems so simple now to just not be a controlling pain in the butt. Yah, I'm not perfect but NOW I'm trying to do it in the face of the betrayal of his a. What if I had just put my mind to it BEFORE then? I'm NOT saying I'm responsible for h's a...his choice...but if the book is even 50% correct, I can see now how my demeanor and style would seem so hurtful to him. arrgh. (of course, I could SO relate to what he says about women and the need for reassurance...could have been h stepping out of HIS shell and giving me what I need, too, to turn things around).

I have to admit that I AM feeling a bit stymied. I just don't feel confident conveying to h my support and need for him in a non-controlling, non-mothering way. It's kind of the same loop I've wrapped myself up in re. helping him look for a job...

I guess the only other thing that's really been weighing heavily on my mind is remembering some stuff from the time of the bomb -- specifically when H said that "this has never felt right". I KNOW a lot of things get said around that time that aren't 100% truth but for some reason, that phrase is bumming me out more than a bit lately. Yah, for the 6-9 months before finding out about the a, it didn't feel right for ME either but there were certainly many times, years, when it not only felt right but it felt wonderful. I guess this thought reverberates in my head when we have an uncomfortable evening -- when I'm too watchful or he feels distant or both. Days like yesterday make it all feel AOK. Key is, I guess, to tap into whatever it was that was going on yesterday!!!

Sage

[sage]

Here's an article on infidelity that I found on another thread. It's an interesting read (well, you know what I mean).

Interview with Shirley Glass

[sage]

Had an uneventful night Went to C (myself) -- talk a bit about the abandonment/choice thing of last week. Also talked about how I still don't really feel "safe" despite all the good stuff that's going on. Safe that a is over, safe that it won't happen again (same or different op). Talked also about how I feel so "bad" at being a w. and my (unrealistic) frustration about that.

Re-realized (this happens over and over and over again) on the way home how much good stuff IS going on.

Watched tv, played with the kittens. Didn't get too hung up on "how" h was being -- distant, affectionate, present, whatever. I don't think it helps either of us for me to be ever-watchful so I'm giving myself a rest.

Noticed (and again this morning) that h had been a cleaning DEMON yesterday. Cleaned out the closets in our spare room, kitchen overhaul, laundry, even the litter box! (That's a biggie). I would swear that he spent the whole day cleaning. Thanked him a few times 'cause he deserves it!

Taking him out on a surprise date tonight -- nothing too elaborate but I hope it'll be fun.

Sage

[scotty]

hi sage

good idea about looking at all the good things that have been happening. It's tough to put the past behind us, but eventually we will be able to do it. Have a great time on the date tonight.....