Make things better by looking ahead....

[shinybear]

Okay, first, I cannot believe that my simple observation inspired such an amazing sharing of thought and emotion!

Sage... of course we read it all...your thoughts are never boring!

I now have a MUCH better idea of where some of your deep rooted fears, and beliefs about others and yourself come from. It is totally understandable how you've developed the deep desires, expectations, needs and fears that you have.

(Just an aside...was your mom bipolar? My aunt did the very same thing with my cousin in the house, knife an d all...later she "succeeded" in burning down the house with herself in it...so sad... )

I am just so in awe of your self awareness. It must be frustrating, however, to have this self awareness, to keep fitting in the pieces, and still have current feelings/behaviours that are affected by them!

That rather sums up the difference between Psychoanalysis, Freud's thing of looking into our childhood and past for such patterns and how they ripple into our future.
He thought just that "aha!" moment of emotional insight would be enough to "cure" us....sadly, this is rarely the case.

The Cognitive and Humanistic views (espoused by most of our self-help tomes) focus more on the NOW, and how to consciously loosen the hold of the past.

Wait a second..... ...can you tell I've been teaching 3 hours of "Abnormal Psychology" a day for over a week?

You should write a book, hun.
Ever consider a career in Psychology?

Shiny

[sage]

Okay, first, I cannot believe that my simple observation inspired such an amazing sharing of thought and emotion!

Well, you did! That's one of the things that I love about the board in general and my support system here in particular -- you guys help me to see stuff from another vantage point, encourage me to think or take action...

(Just an aside...was your mom bipolar? My aunt did the very same thing with my cousin in the house, knife an d all...later she "succeeded" in burning down the house with herself in it...so sad... )

I don't know...she was never diagnosed with anything other than a "nervous breakdown" after the D. She never showed any "highs" but sure did show a lot of "lows" -- she'd withdraw to her room for days on end when we were kids, interspersed with "rages", interspersed with what I guess were normal even keel times. She's still unpleasant for me to deal with though I'm never exposed to any "rages" now -- mostly the silent treatment or some passive agressive BS. I found out about 8 months ago that SHE is the ow now to some guy she's known for like 50 years...we had a big fight about it and I've distanced myself from her as a result.

I am just so in awe of your self awareness. It must be frustrating, however, to have this self awareness, to keep fitting in the pieces, and still have current feelings/behaviours that are affected by them!

Thanks for the kind words. It's STRANGE to be able to see what's going on so clearly (eventually) but when I'm immersed in it, well, it has seemed impossible for me to distill what's reality and what's not.

I've been listening to "Emotional Alchemy" in my car and that seems to be helping a lot. Over the last 3-4 days I've noticed 2 times when something ELSE has led me to question h and his love for me. I haven't QUITE been able to do it quickly enough to stop the train...but I'm getting better.

One of the things that I'm struggling with as a result is how much of the wringer I've put H through -- I learned so many crappy behaviors re. M from M & D and I think I've really hurt him. I'll repeat a thousand times that I don't think that excuses AT ALL his a but I can understand how lost and hurt he must have felt. (I'll also comment that I realize I'm 100% responsible for MY behavior and that he's 100% responsible for his!)

The Cognitive and Humanistic views (espoused by most of our self-help tomes) focus more on the NOW, and how to consciously loosen the hold of the past.

Yah, this is where I'm focused, too. The leading questions I read here and the occasional prod from my C are helpful in getting me started thinking; I do an ok job getting to the next level of what's going "ON"....what I need help on is how to break the patterns. Working on it....

Wait a second..... ...can you tell I've been teaching 3 hours of "Abnormal Psychology" a day for over a week?

You should write a book, hun.
Ever consider a career in Psychology?

Maybe I WILL write a book I'll make it fiction, though. And, I did consider a career in Psychology at one time...my then-C told me she thought I'd stink at it (maybe she was just jealous!)

Thanks again, SB. For the initial question (and support) and your insightful followup.

Sage

[sage]

Just journalling from yesterday..

What went well:
1. H spent ALOT of time chopping up a tree in the backyard. He did an awesome job getting rid of the darned thing

2. We're talking about getting a new cat (well, actually 2 of them). It's weird because I had gone to a website yesterday ( www.petfinder.org ) but felt strange bringing it up to H -- was worried that he might feel it was too soon, disrespectful to Owen BUT it turns out that he actually DROVE to a shelter yesterday (well, tried to but got "lost" in a weird way) so we were both on the same page.

3. H called to thank me for some job links I had sent him.

What didn't go well...
1. well, I wouldn't actually say that this was BAD -- actually, it was probably info that I can USE but ...well...during the conversation about whether or not it was too soon to get another cat, I said something like "I just have this love to give...it needs to be given" and H said "and of course you can't give it to me". Hmmm. He didn't say it seriously really and I asked him if he didn't feel loved by me and he said he was just joking but...well...it seemed like an odd comment to make if there didn't feel like SOME element of truth to it, no?

For the past few months (6-8 weeks) I think I have backed off of loving H overtly -- maybe it's a cyclic thing but I thought I was doing it in response to him backing away from me!!!! He's been more distant (I think), has pretty much stopped initiating , got irked a few weeks ago when I initiated (got defensive), hasn't made a surprise plan or suggested champagne, or whatever. I thought he was backing off because something had happened...and I backed off to not pressure him (and probably to not completely humiliate myself). Anyway, I got the feedback that maybe he's not feeling completely loved...

Sage

[sage]

Some more musings ... of a more DB-centric variety than my recent posts!

I've started re-reading DR. Felt like it was the right time, wanted to get more action oriented, etc. Struggling more than a little to refine my goals into small, action steps. When I first think, what are my goals for the M they are of the duh-no-kidding variety:

1. I want our M. to be committed and faithful

2. I want our M to be a partnership with a future

3. I want our M to feel satisfying (not constraining or hurtful) to both of us.

So...when I try to distill them down a bit..well, let's start with #1...

1. I would like M to be committed and faithful (long term touchy feely goal)

1a. I would like H to stop all contact with ow (if he hasnt') AND I would like to stop wondering/worrying if he is in contact. In other words, I would like to put ow and the a behind us. (still squishy)

1b. I would like to feel comfortable when h is on the computer.

1c. I would like to feel comfortable when I am not at home/with H

THESE STILL don't seem right!

OK

>> I would like to break the habit of feeling badly about myself -> feeling ow insecurity -> freaking out on myself or h

or more positively

>> I would like to get through the next BIG phase (the little ones come and go) of what I will now call "ow-funk" without freaking out on myself or h.

Things that work:
* not asking questions
* not ASSuming anything (call waiting clicks in, must be ow, etc)
* Keep busy/distracted when h is on computer
* don't set myself up -- don't call during "peak worry hours"
* recognize when I'm just feeling badly about myself for other reasons (work, family, etc) and know that that makes me vulnerable to ow-funk
* no mindreading
* remember that h is my friend, is on my side
* it helps when h tells me what he's doing on the computer (like comments on an article he's read, etc)
* it helps when h tells me details about his day

How can I encourage those behaviors?
* be interested and focused when h is talking with me
* listen
* be patient -- with him, with me, with babysteps
* don't ask questions (cannot be stated often enough)
* remember that things aren't always on my timetable
* be calm
* be forgiving
* be forthright
* take myself away from the sitch if I'm feeling really unsure -- go for a walk, movie, shopping, etc.

I will make a conscious effort to calm myself the next time I feel the major wave of insecurity w/o creating a crisis at home.

now...need to work on squishy goals 2 and 3

Sage

[shinybear]

You are the Queen of goals my friend!

Ever noticed that I've never written ONE?

Might just be time to do that, you think?

Shiny

P.S. I think your C WAS jealous

[sage]

You are the Queen of goals my friend!

Thanks for the compliment, but read on below for why I'm rethinking my post of yesterday!

Ever noticed that I've never written ONE?

Might just be time to do that, you think?

I think that you are doing AWESOME w/o writing a thing down, no??? Do what works!

*************
So, I realized this morning that my last post about my goals left me feeling marginally pathetic (the "marginally" is a nod to my psyche -- I was originally just going to write "pathetic" but thought I'd cushion the blow a bit! ). Why "marginally pathetic" you ask???

Well....couldn't the post have been titled
"how I torture my h and myself with mistrust"
"how I let the ow steal my life, thoughts, strength, energy"
"how I refused to grow out of my normal mode of operation"

Hmmm????

My last post had a valid point -- I need a strategy for when my mind spins out of control, I feel unloved, I start feeling suspicious and then I freak out (inside making myself feel like crap and/or outside making h feel like crap). BUT, I missed a KEY point!!!

I have to stop thinking about ow. I have to stop giving her the mental time of day. she is NOTHING. we're coming up on a year now of me thinking about her and her r with my h and on and on. I am sick of it. I am tired of picturing her. I am tired of rehashing her behavior with me, with my h. I am tired of re-reading the words over and over and over again that she wrote to my h. I am tired of feeling as though she has stolen things from me -- time, memories, special events, my h's heart. I am tired of feeling humiliated that she lied to my face over and over. I am tired of feeling victimized because she and my h carried on their a in full view of our friends. I am tired of thinking that she's winning or has won. I am tired of feeling as though I am somehow LESS of a person due to her presence -- past, present, future.

I am not less of anything because of her. I am not less of anything because h chose to be with her. She is nothing to me. And, his choices were his own.

I am tired of giving my h the message that he is untrustworthy. I am tired of trying to control what I cannot to make me feel better in some warped way (does it work?). I should be spending the mental energy I devote to her to curing cancer, fighting hunger, saving drowning puppies.

I think that my h wants to be married to someone who loves him, cherishes him, trusts him, values him, believes in him, supports him, leans on him, knows him but knows there's always something more to know. I want to be married to the same.

Every day that I think of her, I bring a third person into our m. Why would I ever expect HIM to stop thinking about her when I cannot? Choose not to?

She invaded my dreams the other night -- first time actually. She had the nerve to show up at my house, hair in some weird hairstyle, all dressed up with ugly brown lipgloss on. I had the chance to yell at her, I had the chance to push her and hurt her. It was only in my dreams and I could never, would never do it in real life. Maybe that's enough.

I realized two days ago the perfect revenge -- the perfect missing piece I've been looking for -- it's getting my life back, it's making my marriage as awesome as it can be. WHAT could be a better revenge than that? AND, it works for me too. I want my life and love back.

So...I'll keep the goal to manage the ow-extremes -- when insecurity gets me so far down that I can't imagine being the one. I'll work on being mindful, I'll work on managing ME, etc. BUT, that's not enough....

she's gone. no casual thoughts. no wonder. no rehashing. It won't be easy or automatic. It's going to take work. I can shut it down, slam down the lid.

She's not getting any more of my time.

Sage

[lostlove]

She's not getting any more of my time.

bravo!!!!!!

LL

[scotty]

the perfect missing piece I've been looking for -- it's getting my life back, it's making my marriage as awesome as it can be. WHAT could be a better revenge than that? AND, it works for me too. I want my life and love back.

____________________________________________________________

Great Realization sage!!!!!

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I actually copied some of your goals down as for the past week I have been making H and I both miserable. Crying, talking and no sleep!

I do love reading your thread because you deal with a lot of emotions that I do and I like your writting goals to deal with them! I am not too good at that yet! And of course OW (friend according to H) is still very much in my picture.

But I think it is great that you are going to slam the lid on her and build that terrific marriage with your husband!! And from what I have read on your post it seems he is trying to do the same with you!!!! THAT IS COOL! I love reading that.

[shinybear]

Oh, yes SAGE!!!!

This is KEY! Do you mean you still look at stuff they wrote (literally) or just ruminate over the memory of it?

Because although I still have my "file of evidence" I have not glanced at it ONCE since putting it aside (probably read the stuff 2X at most).

You CANNOT let this skank's memory foul up your marriage! And BRAVO for making this your main goal. It does bleed into all of the others, doesn't it?

I can't help but admire your strength and depth of spirit. DO IT! She ain't worth one more of your neurons firing!

Shiny