Make things better by looking ahead....

[sage]

You are the Queen of goals my friend!

Thanks for the compliment, but read on below for why I'm rethinking my post of yesterday!

Ever noticed that I've never written ONE?

Might just be time to do that, you think?

I think that you are doing AWESOME w/o writing a thing down, no??? Do what works!

*************
So, I realized this morning that my last post about my goals left me feeling marginally pathetic (the "marginally" is a nod to my psyche -- I was originally just going to write "pathetic" but thought I'd cushion the blow a bit! ). Why "marginally pathetic" you ask???

Well....couldn't the post have been titled
"how I torture my h and myself with mistrust"
"how I let the ow steal my life, thoughts, strength, energy"
"how I refused to grow out of my normal mode of operation"

Hmmm????

My last post had a valid point -- I need a strategy for when my mind spins out of control, I feel unloved, I start feeling suspicious and then I freak out (inside making myself feel like crap and/or outside making h feel like crap). BUT, I missed a KEY point!!!

I have to stop thinking about ow. I have to stop giving her the mental time of day. she is NOTHING. we're coming up on a year now of me thinking about her and her r with my h and on and on. I am sick of it. I am tired of picturing her. I am tired of rehashing her behavior with me, with my h. I am tired of re-reading the words over and over and over again that she wrote to my h. I am tired of feeling as though she has stolen things from me -- time, memories, special events, my h's heart. I am tired of feeling humiliated that she lied to my face over and over. I am tired of feeling victimized because she and my h carried on their a in full view of our friends. I am tired of thinking that she's winning or has won. I am tired of feeling as though I am somehow LESS of a person due to her presence -- past, present, future.

I am not less of anything because of her. I am not less of anything because h chose to be with her. She is nothing to me. And, his choices were his own.

I am tired of giving my h the message that he is untrustworthy. I am tired of trying to control what I cannot to make me feel better in some warped way (does it work?). I should be spending the mental energy I devote to her to curing cancer, fighting hunger, saving drowning puppies.

I think that my h wants to be married to someone who loves him, cherishes him, trusts him, values him, believes in him, supports him, leans on him, knows him but knows there's always something more to know. I want to be married to the same.

Every day that I think of her, I bring a third person into our m. Why would I ever expect HIM to stop thinking about her when I cannot? Choose not to?

She invaded my dreams the other night -- first time actually. She had the nerve to show up at my house, hair in some weird hairstyle, all dressed up with ugly brown lipgloss on. I had the chance to yell at her, I had the chance to push her and hurt her. It was only in my dreams and I could never, would never do it in real life. Maybe that's enough.

I realized two days ago the perfect revenge -- the perfect missing piece I've been looking for -- it's getting my life back, it's making my marriage as awesome as it can be. WHAT could be a better revenge than that? AND, it works for me too. I want my life and love back.

So...I'll keep the goal to manage the ow-extremes -- when insecurity gets me so far down that I can't imagine being the one. I'll work on being mindful, I'll work on managing ME, etc. BUT, that's not enough....

she's gone. no casual thoughts. no wonder. no rehashing. It won't be easy or automatic. It's going to take work. I can shut it down, slam down the lid.

She's not getting any more of my time.

Sage