H watched the kids here at the house tonight while I went out (coffee with a friend). When I got home, he was being really nice to me...so I knew something was coming. He asked if he should give me the letter from his lawyer now...because he wanted to be here when I read it. He had is sad eyes on tonight...not his mad eyes. But still still somehow emotionless nonetheless.
He clarified right away that this isn't a separation agreement. The letter says that he basically will run out of money if he continues to support me, so we need to sell the house or I need to buy him out. It gives a deadline of spring 2008. Yes...this spring. Isn't it February? It had some other stuff regarding the kids and child support. Says I need to respond within 10 days...and it's dated Feb 12th. But H was adamant...and this is why he said he needed to be here when I read i...he was adamant that those dates weren't firm and that I didn't have to respond right away. He said for me just to proceed with my financial statements with lawyer and we'll deal with it. He said that he is just glad things are moving period.
I started crying as soon as I read the first line. "Re: Lastname and Lastname Please be advised that I have been retained by Mr. H with respect to the dissolution of your relationship." He kept trying to say not to worry about the letter, it shouldn't be anything that will upset me, it's all stuff we've discussed. I said yeah...and then I read him that line. I truly saw him having (or trying to have) empathy for me.
I was rocking S and fighting the tears. But they just kept coming. He leaned against the counter and said he wasn't sure what to say. I just shoot my head. I said, "there is so much I want to say...but I just I know it doesn't matter" This went back and forth a bit and he was almost prompting me to talk. I said there is just so much I feel like we never got to say to eachother. And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that I couldn't make you happy. I'm sorry about all of the things I took for granted and what I'd give to change it. I told him that I look at our kids and I can't imagine how bad it must of been with me, to give up the time you are giving up with them. He said it hurt him to be away from them, I said yeah, but that's still not the better option. I said, do your remember when your Dad left and you wondered what was so good about his OW that made her the better option than his family? I said, I wonder that about you. What is so good about her that it's worth giving that up. He said that his Dad left his kids altogether, and he's not doing that. I said, but you're giving up so much more that it could be. The whole time he had the sad eyes on, but was still so decisive. We weren't speaking loud or angry at all. It was the closest conversation we've had in a LONG time. But he still didn't show any emotion or connection to me. We talked about that. I told him that I missed our life. That I missed him. He was my best friend and now I don't have that person to talk to or anything. I said I know we were having problems, but I still thought we had that connection. He just nicely reconfirmed that it has been gone in him for a long long time. I told him that I just wanted a chance to start over as friends. He said that's what he wants, he said from the beginning of this he wanted to be friends. I said the difference is that you want to end as friends and I want to start as friends. He didn't respond. He said he feels guilty and he knows he's not perfect. But this is what he feels is best. I told him that I wanted him to be happy. That I wish it could be with me, but that I just want him to be happy. I also told him that I'll always be here for him if he needs me. He said that he wanted to commend me for how well I've handled everything over the last 5 months. And he said that I'm an amazing mom. For some reason that made the tears flow harder. I told him that I know he thought that wasn't the same strong and independant person that I used to be...but I am. He said he doesn't mind having these conversations, but he still doesn't feel that he'll be able to give me the answers I seem to need. What does that mean? I feel like that means because maybe he doesn't really have any answers for himself. He asked if I was going to counselling still and that it should help. I said, it's not giving me answers just helping me cope with not having them. He nodded.
He was quite soft spoken and almost sweet the whole time. But still so firm. I can honestly that I didn't see one sign of hope in it that he was giving me....at least not conciously. I'm sure I could analyze the crap out of his body language and even what he said and dig out something. But I'm not sure if that is noticing the small things or finding things that aren't there.
It was quite a conversation and of course there was a whole lot more to it...but I've dragged this on enough. I don't think H could possibly be going home and not thinking about it. I mentioned in my previous post that I have been feeling the need to reach out to him. I've been looking for signs all day to know if I should or not. Then the time seemed right. Although it probably wasn't the best DB'ing...I don't think it was a backslide, at least not a far one. I also feel like I got some things off of my chest which will help me to continue to GAL and move on.
All I can hope is that he's still be firm on the outside, but inside he's in turmoil. Am I kidding myself?? My heart doesn't say so, but what does it know.
Well that's my story! If this D is going to be busted...it's probably going to be one of those 11th hour ones!!
Any advice would be really helpful. I feel kind of lost. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
