Journalling-- Well, I'm starting to swing my way around the neurotic jungle that I have created in my head, so I thought I would try to put it down here before it gets too far along.
I've been aware over the last week or two that even though there are a number of positive signs and there seems to be a greater sense of W being relaxed w/me, etc, that it actually makes me feel more discomfort. I think the reason for this is that as we start to connect more as ?friends, then I feel anxiety and fear come up re: maybe this is all there is--maybe this is exactly what she wants: to be friends without guilt. I also feel fear about her getting on with her life without me...that each day that passes in this separation becomes another day that she misses me less. Another day that I become less a part of her world and life, and therefore less and less of a loss for her.
W. emailed me today a msg. that shouldn't really upset me, but it did. She said she thought we might go ahead with booking a couple of MC sessions in advance to ensure that we have regular meetings over the next while. We already have one coming up next week, but she wanted to see what I think about booking a couple more now. She noted that she's going to be away on two business trips in March/April. I think it is this last part that gave me the shudders.
I'm thinking that she'll be away on these trips enjoying herself, meeting new people (men), noticing how much she loves her freedom and "new life" without me. I also feel kind of lame that I rarely have business trips and don't "measure up" in some way on this. Maybe it's that it feels like she's "leaving" again, however stupid that is.
This is classic Purr thinking, to take an email which appears to say that she is wanting to book more counselling and turn it into "it's all over". But my mind and heart are completely at odds, it seems. I feel like she is slipping away, even though there isn't anything from the messages to confirm this. There is a great deal of hopelessness I suddenly feel about any possibility of reconciling.
I've been feeling this great sense of unease and restlessness over the last few days...on the one hand thinking I should be feeling / allowing myself to feel a little more optimistic/hopeful. On the other hand, I feel great unease and restlessness about the situation. It's ridiculous to me that we still mainly connect only via email, and never use the phone. And when I think about her reasons for leaving, they (still) seem to just not be that severe as to merit moving out. I was just feeling so frustrated today...that this doesn't seem to make sense!! Why the heck are we apart, when we get along so well??????
I feel so frustrated with not knowing what is going on for her inside, the sustained ambiguity about the relationship. I was thinking about the basics like having tea or a visit at her place or mine(ours)--this seems so far away at this time. It also freaked me out to imagine seeing her place (which ironically I think is nicer than where our place is). I don't want to see how great her apartment, view, life is without me!!
This all feels like crazy talk...I don't even know if it makes sense, but I'm really feeling anxious/restless/frustrated/SCARED. I don't know if things are better or worse; my compass is shot and emotionally I feel really triggered. Can anyone help make sense of this emotional spaghetti that I am experiencing? I feel lost and shaky.
